‘He’s not coming in then?’ Jessica asked.
‘No, Jessica. Are you surprised?’ Letting herself out, Alicia steeled herself for the questions Justin was bound to have. She hoped this time she would be able to answer coherently, and that he would be able to listen. If there was one good thing that had come from her confrontation with Jessica, she supposed it was that she was determined now to tell Justin everything.
Breathing deeply as she approached his car, she pulled open the passenger door and slipped inside.
‘Thanks,’ Justin said, glancing in her direction. ‘For coming out.’
‘You shouldn’t have left the hospital, Justin,’ Alicia ventured, after an awkward second. ‘Your wounds won’t be healed yet.’
Justin grimaced. ‘No, they won’t, not for a good while, I imagine.’
His tone wasn’t caustic or reproachful. If anything, it was subdued. ‘There are some things I need to ask you.’ He turned towards her, his eyes cautiously scanning hers. ‘I was hoping you could answer me honestly. If you can’t… well, then I suppose I’ll have my answer.’
Nodding, Alicia closed her eyes. She would give him honest answers, however ludicrous they sounded. She would have her answer, too, then, to the question she’d asked herself over and over: Would he have believed her?
‘You said you’d been drinking.’ He tugged in a breath, closing his own eyes briefly, Alicia noticed, possibly because of the pain in his chest. ‘Were you drunk?’ he asked, looking back at her.
‘Very,’ Alicia said, as she remembered it.
Justin waited a beat, then, ‘Not drugged?’ he asked tightly.
The question hit Alicia like a thunderclap, instantly propelling her back there, to the hotel room where she’d woken up to the unfamiliar smell of Paul Radley – a cloying mixture of body odour, bitter lemons and alcohol – with only jagged memories of how she’d got there. She felt again the peculiar bruises on her body that she’d had to hide. The reason she’d lied and then compounded her lies.
‘I… don’t know. I…’ she faltered. ‘I honestly don’t remember. I’ve tried. I’ve gone over it a million times trying to remember, but I don’t. I recall being at the bar. People drifting off. After that, nothing apart from hazy images, until the next morning.’
‘Jesus Christ!’ Justin said, pushing the heels of his hands hard against the steering wheel and dropping his head back against the headrest.
A heavy minute ticked by. Alicia was sure she could hear her heart beating, the rustle of the leaves on the wind outside.
‘Why didn’t you report him, Alicia?’ he asked throatily. He turned towards her when she didn’t answer.
Her mouth dry, her throat parched, Alicia met his gaze. Here was the crucial question, the absurdity of the choice she’d felt she had to make. ‘You asked if I was drugged?’ she said, as calmly as she could.
Justin looked confused.
‘Would it have made any difference if I wasn’t? she asked him. ‘If I was only drunk, would that have meant it shouldn’t have happened? That I could have stopped it in some way?’
‘No,’ Justin said categorically. ‘I’m just trying to establish the facts, Alicia. I’m not judging you.’
‘Aren’t you?’ Alicia studied him. ‘What would you have done, Justin? Knowing you might not be believed, what would you have done?’
Justin raked his hands through his hair. ‘You went back, Alicia. You saw him again. That’s the part I’m struggling with. Make me understand. For Christ’s sake, I need to. Tell me.’
Alicia swallowed, seeing the look in Paul Radley’s eyes as clear as day: dark, intent, calculating. He’d told her she’d been insatiable. Justin would never have to find out, he’d said, gliding his hand down her back as she’d groped desperately for her clothes, sending a shudder of utter repulsion right through her. Though she’d had no idea what had happened between the bar and the hotel room – in the hotel room – she’d known with absolute certainty that he’d meant Justin would find out. She’d questioned herself over and over since, guilt overriding her anger, doubt clouding her recollection. But she had known. Justin’s world had been falling apart, and, if she didn’t agree to his terms, Paul Radley would make sure it did. How in God’s name was she ever going to explain that, she’d thought then. She’d been young, naive, stupid, ashamed. Terrified. Finally, she’d been pregnant. No way to tell, no way to make anyone believe she hadn’t known how to say no.
Alicia glanced down and then back, making sure to hold Justin’s eyes this time. ‘He threatened to tell you,’ she said. ‘Obviously, it would have been his version of events. When he went abroad, I thought everything might be all right.’ She felt a tear wet her cheek and didn’t bother this time to wipe it away. ‘I prayed it would be, every day and every night. I was wrong. I lied. And now I’m being punished. I only have the word sorry, Justin. There’s no other way to tell you how I feel.’
Justin stared at her, a myriad of emotions in his eyes: incomprehension, shock and pure, unadulterated rage.
He didn’t respond initially, dropping his gaze and pressing his thumb hard against his forehead instead. And then, ‘You should go back in,’ he said gutturally, twisting to start the engine. ‘I have to go.’
‘Go? Go where?’ Fear gripped Alicia’s stomach. ‘Justin! Where do you have to go?’ she asked frantically.
Justin breathed hard. ‘To finish the job.’
‘Justin, no.’ Cold foreboding sweeping through her, Alicia clutched his arm, immediately reliving the sickening impact on that dark day, when their little boy had been taken from them. ‘Please…’ she begged him. ‘Don’t, Justin. You’re not well. Please, just let him go. I want him out of my life. Out of our lives. If you do this, he won’t ever be, don’t you see?’
Searching his face, she waited, her heart palpitating manically as she watched him suck in a long breath. ‘You should have reported him,’ he said hoarsely. ‘You should have told me, Alicia. You should have been able to. Fuck!’ He slammed his hand against the steering wheel.
Alicia caught hold of his hand as he moved it again to his forehead. ‘I should have,’ she said hesitantly. ‘I know, now, that I could have.’
He looked at her, his eyes awash with tears. ‘Jesus, Alicia.’ He gulped hard, ‘I am so sorry.’ Moving his hand tentatively to her face, he grazed his thumb gently across her cheek. ‘So sorry.’
‘Don’t be,’ Alicia said, pressing her forehead to his. ‘We don’t have time for any more regrets. We have to find Sophie.’
Blowing out a ragged breath, Justin nodded. ‘Can we talk more?’ he asked her hesitantly. ‘Just generally, I mean,’ he added quickly, clearly noticing her uncertainty.
She wanted to talk to him, so badly wanted to reach out to him, for him to reach out to her and talk about all they were going through. Even to lie silently next to him, rest her head on his chest and listen to the reassuring thrum of his heart – that’s when she’d always felt safest, able to shut out the world and all the bad things in it – would salve the raw pain inside her. To delve into this, though, to relive the memories she’d tried so hard to forget… She wasn’t sure she would be able to do that.
‘I don’t need the detail, Ali,’ he said. ‘I’d like to think you could talk to me, but only if you wanted to.’
Smiling tremulously, Alicia nodded. She hadn’t been wrong about this man. She hadn’t been wrong to love him completely.
Justin reached to wipe another errant tear from her cheek. ‘We’ll find her,’ he said softly. ‘If you don’t want to be at the house, I get that, but…’ He paused. ‘I miss you, Alicia. Come back to me.’
Alicia’s heartbeat picked up in a different way as she saw the hopeful look in his eyes. Nodding again, she hesitated for the briefest second and then pressed her lips softly to his, possibly giving him a very snotty kiss.