This book was many years and several iterations in the making. I couldn’t shake the idea of a young mother sacrificing herself so her family could have the best chance at a happy life, of a young father trying to raise their dynamic, driven, elite athlete daughter alone. In early drafts, Violet was an ice-skater—but she only existed in her father’s dreams, as he’d never met her. I knew Vivian had taken her own life, but why would a young mother in a happy marriage do such a thing? The very thought tore at my soul, but wouldn’t leave me alone.
As stories tend to do, this one morphed into what you’ve just read. It’s taken me years to be brave enough to tackle a main character’s suicide. It is a sad, disturbing topic, one that has deeply affected my family. I wanted to do it justice, to show the proper respect and compassion for what is a heartbreaking decision for all involved.
I also want to use this book to raise awareness for Project Semicolon. When I learned of its existence, I was very touched by the movement, by the message of inclusion and strength, and the idea that most suicides can be prevented. Many followers tattoo themselves with a semicolon to signify their support of a friend, family member or themselves. While each bit of flesh marked with a semicolon breaks my heart, it also makes me shout for joy that light is being shed on the issue of self-harm.
Sadly, when I began this note, I learned Amy Bleuel, the founder of Project Semicolon, had herself succumbed to suicide. Her loss is tragic and a harsh reminder how very brutal depression can be. Oddly, moments after I saw the news, a Twitter friend began a series of posts honoring the death anniversary of a luminary writer, Sylvia Plath. In this note from Letters Home: Correspondence 1950–1963, Plath’s mother, Aurelia, talking about her daughter’s demise was especially poignant:
Her physical energies had been depleted by illness, anxiety and overwork, and although she had for so long managed to be gallant and equal to the life-experience, some darker day than usual had temporarily made it seem impossible to pursue.
Some darker day than usual. It is this I want you to remember, should you ever find yourself in the darkness. This feeling is temporary, no matter how cruel and pervasive it feels. It will get better. There is hope.
I hope this book will allow us to have more open dialogues about mental illness. There is no shame in a diagnosis of depression, or bipolar disorder, or severe anxiety, or any other mental illness. On the contrary, a diagnosis should be celebrated, because you, or your friend, or your family member has been brave enough to seek help. A wonderful doctor once told us there is no difference in these diagnoses than discovering you have diabetes—your body simply doesn’t process the same way another’s does. It’s something to remember, and with that mentality, perhaps we can erase the stigma altogether.
But if the darkness becomes too great, if you need to talk, or think someone close to you might be in trouble, please, please reach out. Silence and solitude are not helpful when you’re feeling low. Tell your friends and family how you’re feeling. Call the suicide hotline. Reach out to a mental health professional. Email me.
Remember, you are glorious. And you are not alone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
www.projectsemicolon.com
J.T. Ellison
March 2018
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A book that’s been in the making for so many years will obviously have a lot of people to thank, so here we go.
First, I need to send major props to skiing phenom Lindsey Vonn, who inspired me to create Mindy Wright. So much courage, grace, dedication and sheer, raw talent in a single being should be outlawed; I’m so glad it’s not. Thanks, Lindsey. You rule.
Three wonderful individuals bid on character names for various charity fund-raisers. Sandra McMahon won a name and asked me to surprise her niece, Brianna Starr, better known as Breezy. Andrea Austin, unfailing supporter and friend, finally got her due, and Cameron Longer from the UK lent his name to the mix. It was a joy to think of their selfless contributions every time I typed their names.
When I was having my “all is lost” moment, friend and fellow author Victoria Schwab swooped in and suggested I change the tense. It fixed the book, and I am most grateful for both the advice and her excellent taste in tea and bacon.
The divine Laura Benedict, first reader, best friend and unflagging cheerleader, promised me the opening worked. I would also be lost without her guidance and great friendship.
Ariel Lawhon and Paige Crutcher, without whom I would be lost, provided regular comfort, suppers, wine, enthusiasm and relentless faith to this effort, which is most appreciated.
Helen Ellis, who never ceases to amuse and amuse, and is the most gracious hostess I know.
Catherine Coulter, my cowriter extraordinaire, keeps me in stitches on email daily. Thank you for teaching me so much.
Jeff Abbott was always there when I needed to vent, to be challenged or simply wanted a good movie recommendation.
Sherrie Saint has been a steady hand on pretty much every book I’ve written in the past several years, and having her love and strength, and wicked brain, sustains me. Thanks for the research!
Amy Kerr, who helped get this book into shape and managed me well, too.
My wonderful agent, Scott Miller, friend and confidant, who knew the story wasn’t ready way back in 2011 but never let me forget to revisit it, for plotting and planning and guiding me through the mayhem that is publishing.
Many thanks to my awesome film agent, Holly Frederick, whose wise counsel and steady hand are so appreciated.
My editor, Nicole Brebner, needs three cheers and then some. She coached and cheered and coddled, helped develop the story in so many ways, read this book three (four, five?) times and found ways to improve it with every pass. This, my friends, is the hallmark of an excellent editor. I really couldn’t have done this without her. Authors say that all the time, but I mean it. Also, Kat is no longer eating people food thanks to her.
Margaret Marbury sat across many tables, lunches, dinners, meetings, glasses of wine and pushed me to go deeper, helped me find the darkness that this book needed. Never fear, she is the brightest, sunniest person I know.
My entire publishing family at MIRA Books needs pages upon pages of acknowledgments for their untiring work and support getting my work into your hands. Craig Swinwood, Loriana Sacilotto, Brent Lewis, Amy Jones, Randy Chan, Heather Foy, Stefanie Buszynski, Emer Flounders, Shara Alexander, Margot Mallinson, Catherine Makk, Miranda Indrigo, Malle Vallik, Susan Swinwood, Monika Rola, Olivia Gissing, Larissa Walker, Sean Kapitain, Kristen Salciccia, and everyone else—you are the most amazing group to work with, and I adore and appreciate you all.
All the amazing librarians and booksellers and book clubs and bookstagrammers and social media folks who recommend my books to patrons, friends and followers—thank you so, so much!
My lovely parents, Jerome and Joan, who are the best first readers a girl could hope for and pretty amazing parents, to boot. Also have to send some love to my awesome brothers, who keep me grounded.
And to the love of my life, my darling husband, Randy. Without you, these books would be mere shadows of themselves, dreams unfulfilled, as would I.