“Great. Good. That’s what I was hoping for. That’s how it should be.”
“I know. I think I was too, but,” she says, frowning, “I can’t do this with you.”
“You’ve already done this with me,” I glare.
Her lips press together and I can tell she’s warring with herself. I have to bite my tongue, sit on my hands, because I’m two seconds from losing my temper . . . just like I’m two seconds from losing my girl.
“I disagree with all of this,” I say. “You are my girl, my girlfriend, my lady. I don’t care what you call it, but that’s where we stand.”
She backs away towards the door, her eyes wide. She’s scared. But I can’t let her leave here without knowing exactly how I feel.
“When I saw you so hurt today, it changed the game for me. I knew as soon as I walked in your office that it was a watershed moment. I couldn’t go back.” I stalk through the room until I’m standing in front of her. “I want to see where this goes. I’ve never felt this way about a girl before. Well, no guys either, for that matter.”
Her face slips and she starts to smile. I take it as a good sign.
“I want to lock you down. Be there to make you smile. Make you mad. Make sure you’re protected and know how awesome you are.”
“I’ll still come over and fuck you, Landry.”
She says it to get a rise out of me, to deflect from the topic she doesn’t want to discuss. It’s how she rolls. Instead, I flip it back on her.
“You bet your sweet, round ass you will. And you’ll come over and let me make love to you too.”
She moves down the hall to the front door, thanking me again for being there for her today. I can barely hear her over the roar in my ears. I put my hand on the door, closing it.
“I can’t get wrapped up in you,” she says, looking straight ahead. “I’m going down a rabbit hole and I have to pull myself out.”
“You can’t get wrapped up in me?” I ask, my voice a little louder than I care to admit. “You’ll wrap up in my sheets. In my arms. Around my cock. But you can’t get wrapped up in my heart because I play fucking baseball? Really, Danielle?”
“It’s not like that.”
“It looks just like that standing here.”
She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me gently against the lips. “You are so amazing. Too amazing for your own good,” she smiles. “I just need a little time to work this out in my mind, okay? I’m sorry.”
I don’t respond as she walks out the door.
Danielle
“YOU’RE KIND OF FREAKING ME out right now.” Pepper stands at the edge of the table and watches me like I might start screaming at any minute. “I’m not sure soup will fix this.”
“I don’t think so,” I sniffle. The napkin has a giant hole in the center from my tears. I toss it to the side and grab another one. “I don’t know what will fix this. Maybe a time machine so I’m not working the day he ventured off that damn elevator.”
Pepper sinks into the booth across from me. “What happened?”
“I broke it off.”
She gasps, her hand hitting her thigh with a slap. “You better have a damn good reason.” When I laugh, she narrows her eyes. “You broke it off with Lincoln Landry. Listen to that out loud: you broke up with Lincoln Landry. Hear that? Hear how stupid that sounds?”
I drop my hands to the table. “I never intended for it to get this serious with him. I have to get a handle on this while I can. Get what I’m saying?”
“I get you’re dumb.”
“Thanks, friend.” I shred the napkin, making a pile of equal strips in front of me. “It would be easier if he was a jerk or had a little dick or was self-centered. But he’s not.” I look at her. “He’s perfect.”
“I so don’t understand you.”
“When my parents got married, they were so in love. My dad adored her. I found this trunk in the attic when I was a teenager and it was filled with letters he wrote her while they were dating and right after they got married. He doted on her, Pepper. Whatever she wanted, he got her. Whatever he could do to make her happy, he did. He even had a plane fly over a picnic with a banner telling her he loved her. I mean, how sweet is that?”
Pepper gives me a thumbs-up. “I’m waiting on the point.”
“They had what seems like the perfect relationship. And then my dad got signed to play pro. I could hear the change in the letters, which went to post cards from different cities. Eventually, there were no more.” I grab another napkin. “I don’t remember him being home much in my early childhood and, when he was, I was a distraction. My mom was a distraction. I was a pain in her side because I took away from her energy to entertain him.”
“That was their choice, Danielle.”
“It happened to every one of their friends. Their wives sit at home, bored, while the men do what they really love. It’s like the sport replaces the love for their wives. I just . . . I promised myself I wouldn’t end up like that, Pepper. Since I was a little girl, at home with a nanny that I didn’t even know or like, I said I’d never end up like them, no matter what. I would have a huge family and hug and kiss them all the time and not make my children feel like they had to cower in the corner when I walked in the room.”
“But Lincoln has been nothing but fantastic.” She narrows her eyes. “What spooked you?”
I look away from her.
“What happened that you aren’t telling me, Dani?”
Sighing, I feel my heart tug in my chest. “My mom emailed me. I felt that loneliness and my first instinct was to go to Lincoln. I woke up in his bed and realized how bad it’s going to hurt when either a) he leaves me or b) I end up like my mom. There’s no other end to this love story. Trust me when I say I wish there was, but there’s not.”
Pepper’s shoulders fall forward. “This entire thing makes me so sad. You were so happy lately. I was hoping this was a good thing for you.”
“It was good. But I need to end it on my terms while it is good, Pepper. I needed him today. I can’t need him.”
“You’re just scared.”
“No, I’m terrified. But it’s over now, more or less.” I look up at the confection display and smile as realistically as I can and do what I do best: deflect. “Can you make me those pumpkin cupcakes for Thanksgiving? I draw the line at baking for one.”
“You can come with us.”
“Pepper,” I laugh, sitting back in my seat, “you couldn’t pay me enough money to have dinner with your mother-in-law.”
She laughs too. “I feel you there. Yes, two pumpkin cupcakes for Thanksgiving. Consider it done.”
One broken heart? That’s done too.
Lincoln
BRINGING THE BOTTLE OF BEER to my lips, I take a long, steady draw. I hold the neck between two fingers, twirling it a bit as I try to figure out my fucking life.