“You needed to get out, get away from the club and all the shit that had gone down. You needed to deal with your drinking and I thought you could do that better somewhere else.”
“No! You don’t get to say that. That’s a load of shit, J. Tell me the real fucking reason,” I demanded. Deep down, I knew there had to be more to this, I always had but it was easier just to let it sit there in my subconscious rather than trying to work it out.
He was exasperated by my outburst and I momentarily wondered if I had pushed him too far. “I had to. The club... “ he was pacing wildly now, “The club needed you gone.”
“What?” I held my breath, waiting for his explanation. None of this was making a lot of sense to me.
He stopped pacing and fixed pained eyes on me; he was calmer now too, like he had settled something in his mind. “Baby, you need to know that I never wanted you to leave. But after what happened with Nix, the club swore blood and we needed you gone to be able to do that. There was no way Nix would give you up if you were still here so we arranged for that job with Gina and sent you away,” he came closer to me again and reached for my hand, holding it, “The only reason I told you that I didn’t love you anymore was to make sure you would leave. I did it for your safety, you’ve gotta know that. I did love you; I still fucking do.”
“No! You said you didn’t want me. I moved on!” I shouted, getting in his face. I was really angry now. How dare the club control my life like that, and how dare he give me up for the fucking club.
“Are you listening to me, Madison? Did you hear me say...”
I cut him off and shoved at him, “It’s too fucking late, J. You gave up on us, you took the club’s side like you always did. I didn’t need revenge on Nix, I just needed out from him and I was out.”
J glowered at me and took a step back. “Let’s get one thing straight, right now. I did not give up on us. And I did not fucking take the club’s side every time,” he thundered, “But babe, you’ve gotta understand that when the club rules like they did, I got no choice.”
I stabbed a finger at him, “And that right there, is the fucking problem! We never had a chance with the club controlling us.”
“Madison, the club ruled and I followed through. Jesus babe, you grew up in the club, you know how it works. Our problems weren’t to do with the club.”
“Well the club had a lot to do with them. The club, and its way of dealing with shit.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied me for a moment, “What exactly are we talking about now?” he asked, and I wished I had kept my mouth shut; I didn’t want to have this conversation today.
“J, this conversation is pointless...”
He came closer to me again, his breathing ragged and his face a picture of anger. Bending down to meet my eyes he spat, “I fucking tell you that I still love you, and you tell me this conversation is pointless?”
And just like that, the anger seeped out of me and all I felt now was desire. J had invaded my space and my senses again, and telling me he still loved me only heightened my craving for him. I knew I needed to get out of here; I couldn’t think straight when he was this close, and right now I really needed to sort through my conflicting thoughts and feelings.
“I’m waiting for an answer, Madison. Is this conversation pointless?”
“I don’t know, J, okay. I need some time to think,” I finally answered him.
He stood up straight, his eyes intense and focused on mine. He took a moment and then said, “I’ll give you some time. But then we talk. And babe, we will talk about every fucking thing we should have talked about two years ago.”
With that, he turned and left me alone; alone to contemplate the conversation that we would finally be having. He was absolutely right. There were things that should have been said all those years ago; things that I still found hard to even think about, let alone talk about.
Shit.
But first, I needed to sort out the mess of feelings I was having about J. Why the fuck couldn’t life ever be easy?
Chapter 12
Madison
The day had passed fairly uneventfully after my run in with J. He had left with Scott and some of the other guys to take care of something. I wasn’t sure what it was they were doing but then again, I was never privy to that sort of information. And, yeah, it pissed me off. That was something that J never understood. He never shared club business with me, unlike some of the other club members who talked stuff through with their old ladies. I had wanted to be involved in J’s life fully and that meant club life as well. I didn’t expect to be told everything, but to be told nothing kind of hurt. It made me feel like I was only a part of some of J’s life.