“No, this is me, the side you don’t know and the part you’ve never met, just like there’s an entire life you lived before me, that I don’t have a clue about. These are our real lives. St. Thomas was a dream. What happened on that island was beautiful and magical and a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but it wasn’t real or sustainable, and it was always going to end. We both knew eventually we would have to get back to reality. After you left to face yours, I decided to do the same for myself. This is who I am, that time on the island was a much-needed break. I was never supposed to be there.”
“I know you don’t believe that. That place, that beach, that ocean is ours, Koti, and maybe it’s not the life either of us planned, but it’s what I want now more than anything. We were happy there.”
Anger won over ache. “You’re still selfish. Words mean nothing to you because you don’t listen. My life is here now, St. Thomas is over. Fucking me for a few months doesn’t make you an authority on me. We are over. You made sure of it.”
He continually swallowed, tears brimming in his eyes as he lifted his hands.
I love you.
I need you.
I want that beautiful dream back.
I can’t live without you.
I tried, and I hated it.
I’ll be there when you make mistakes, when you hurt, when you’re scared.
I’ll be there.
I’ll marry you.
I’ll want children with you.
We can live anywhere you want.
I’m lost without my love.
I need you back.
Tell me what to do.
If you don’t want words, tell me what you want. Please. Please. Please.
Raw, I bit my lips to stifle the sob. “Stop. You broke my heart and you meant to. You can’t take that back.”
He gripped the sides of my face. “I’m late, but I’m here. And I’m sorry. I can’t stop, I won’t stop. I can’t stay away from you any longer. I can’t lose you again. And you can’t lose the part of you that I know will be one of the best parts. You’ll be the most beautiful and amazing mother. You’ll give our children pure love and acceptance. Please don’t do this. Tell me I’m not too late. Tell me your heart hasn’t closed to me. Tell me our children are safe.”
His tears fell rapidly down his beautiful face as my heart tried to claw its way out of my body toward the refuge of him.
“I have no place being a mother.”
“You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, despite your fears. I’d be so incredibly proud to have you mother my children. And as long as it’s in my power, you won’t be alone to ice those hundred cupcakes for the class. I’ll be by your side through all of it. Every minute, good or hard. I want to be that man for you. I want to be there. I want our love story more than my selfish freedom. I want our life. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that. I’ll never leave you again.”
My walls began to crumble one by one.
“Please,” he said, his eyes overflowing with love. “Baby, please be honest with me. I’m begging you. Be honest with me now before I do as you ask and walk out that door.”
He searched my eyes as I swallowed hard.
“I know you still love me because I can feel it. I can feel it no matter how hard you’re trying to fight it. I can feel your need for me, just like you feel mine. We’re still in love, and I know we always will be. You are worthy of love and a life fuller than you can ever imagine. You’re my best friend and I miss you. I miss laughing with you, I miss talking to you, I miss filling you with my cock and hearing your beautiful moans, I miss eating late at night in front of the fridge door, swimming naked and waking up together covered in sand. I miss fighting with you because making up feels so fucking good. I miss the Koti who can’t stop laughing when she’s had too much wine, I miss the way you hug my daughter with your eyes closed because you mean it. I miss the turned-on sounds you make when you’re reading your romance novels.”
“I make sounds?”
“Yes, that’s why I never let you finish but a few chapters at a time, it drove me mad.”
We both laughed despite our sagging hearts.
“I miss Disco and the way you loved her without trying to show me you’d grown too attached. There are so many things I miss, but your smile is the first. I’ll do everything in my power to keep it there, to light you up the way you do me. I’m not just here because I miss you, because I need you, I’m begging for the beautiful dream of that life we started together. You think it’s not realistic, but it can be a reality for both of us. We can go back and own that fucking life. No rules but our own. Our happiness won’t ride on fulfilling anyone else’s expectations, it will be a life catered to us.”
A tear ran down my cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb.
“I just… couldn’t think of a good enough reason to be in any more pain.” I sniffed and tried to pull my face from his grip, but he kept me close.
“I’ll be your reason, let our son or daughter be your reason and they will be worth it, I promise you. I promise you.” He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks and then stole my breath when he placed a slow kiss to my lips. I sank against the weight of it, my walls obliterated as my heart sprang free.
“It hurt so much when you left. I couldn’t handle it without you. It was like everything I loved about being there evaporated without you to share it with. I didn’t know it, but I think I was waiting for you before you came, and when you left, I could never love that place the same. I missed you so much, I felt like I was dying every day you stayed gone.” He exhaled, closing his eyes before he kissed my tears away.
“I was a shitty boyfriend, but I’ll be a better husband.”
“I would have waited forever if you had asked me to.”
He bit his lip and nodded. “I know.”
“Why didn’t you ask me, Ian? I hate you for it. You know muses don’t just fall from the sky every day.” It was my shitty attempt at humor, but I couldn’t even manage a smile. “Domkop.” I deadpanned.
He chuckled. “I’m swimming in regret. Please, Koti, please take me back.”
“What about Ella?”
“She’s fine. She’s good, she sent me to you. The one thing that held me down set me free to love you because she loves you too. We both want you back.”
“I’m so pissed at you.”
“I’ll fix this so you never have a reason to doubt me again. Say yes.”
“To what?”
“To all of it, to everything. Be my life. Marry me and if you say yes, I promise the only thing I’ll ever be selfish about again is you. Say yes and let’s go back to our beach.”
Three points to make a good argument, Koti.
Number one, you love him. Number two, you love him. Number three, you love him.
I didn’t want to fight anymore.
“Yes.”
“Again,” he whispered hoarsely, his gray eyes pleading with mine.
“Yes, to all of it. I love you, Ian.”
He let out a sigh as he gently took my lips, his slow kiss melting the space between us. “Let’s go home.”
“We don’t have a home.”
“Then we’ll do what we do best, and this time together.”
“What’s that?”
“Start over.”
Eight months later…
JASMINE CLASPED A GOLD BRACELET on my arm and stood back, tossing a piece of wavy hair off of my shoulder.
“You look so beautiful.”
“Don’t make me cry.”
“I’m not trying to. Today looks good on you. I’d be jealous if I didn’t have a hot ass man waiting on me.”
“I wish he could have been here,” I said, turning to look at my reflection. Most of my residual nerves of the day had faded as I took a sip of champagne. The last week had been kind and I was thankful. It had been weeks since I’d had an attack and for the most part, my body had been cooperating despite the stress of the past month.
But on the other side of my fear was a freedom I could never have imagined. In trusting Ian with my worries, in having him to lean on with my daily stresses, I found it much more bearable to deal instead of internalizing everything. It was incredible to me, the feeling of someone knowing me so intimately, he often knew just what to do, what to say so I didn’t feel alone with my fears. I had a partner for the first time in my life. He never dismissed my anxiety or placated it either when I needed to work it out. Simply put, he was just there in any capacity I needed him.
“Maybe I’ll get here someday,” Jasmine said, fidgeting with one of Banion’s beautiful bouquets.
“Oh,” I said with a knowing grin. “I have zero doubts you will.”
“I’d look ridiculous as a bride.”
“Please,” I said giving her an eye roll. “You’re still fresh, I think Banion started to cry a little when I told him you weren’t single.”