I swallowed as he took a step toward me.
“You were holding out to have this surgery because you thought there might be a chance for a family someday. You endured the pain because you were hoping for a child. Tell me that’s not the truth.” I stayed mute as his furious eyes bore into mine, his jaw clenched. “If I thought for one second this is what you really wanted, I would walk away, but it isn’t. You don’t want this surgery. You want to have babies, in St. Thomas, my babies. Now finish dressing, damnit, I’m here to take you home.”
“There is no home.” I pulled on my blouse and started tugging on the buttons, fighting my tears I turned away from him. “It’s gone, both of our houses.”
“What?”
I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Jasmine just called to let me know Banion’s okay. He can’t even get to our street. It’s all gone. St. Thomas is in shambles.”
His face paled. “Thank Christ you weren’t there when it hit. But it’s still our home.”
I smiled ironically. “No, that was never my home.”
The doctor poked her head in the door. “Koti, I have another appointment and we didn’t really need an exam today. This visit was more for Q & A, so if you have any question feel free to call me on my cell. You can grab it at the receptionist’s desk. Good to meet you…”
“Ian,” he offered, his tone ice.
“Good to meet you, Ian.”
“She’s not having the surgery,” he said matter-of-fact, “but we appreciate your time. Nice to meet you as well.”
Dr. Zander smiled at me, her eyes alight with mischief. She was enjoying the volley between us far too much.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I told her. “I’m sorry about this.”
“She won’t be here,” Ian said, fuming as he glared at me across the bed.
The Dr. spoke up with a smile on her face. “I’ll wait for your call, Koti.”
Once the door was shut, I turned on him, my anger spilling over.
“You have no right to speak on my behalf and you need to leave.”
“And you need to wake the hell up. You aren’t making this decision because it’s what’s best. It’s an emotional call, you’re still angry with me for leaving and you want to give up. I won’t let you.”
“It’s my decision.”
“The hell it is! Get your things we’re leaving!”
“I’m not going anywhere with you!”
“You don’t belong here.”
“I don’t belong on an island in the middle of the damned ocean, either. I’m not sure it’s here, but I’m figuring it out.”
“Jesus,” he said taking a step closer, his eyes accusing. “What happened to you?”
“I woke up, and I needed to grow up. I can’t live in my parents’ vacation rental for the rest of my life, it’s not practical. I’m staying in New York for now. I’m going back to work for a small firm after I recover. It’s major progress, you should be happy for me.”
He crossed his arms. “Are you kidding me?”
I fastened my belt while he fumed on the other side of the bed.
“Look, I’ve been battling this my whole life. I’ll manage. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got new plans. The house is gone, there’s nothing to go home to. Jasmine’s considering moving back to the States as well. It’s just not home to either of us anymore. Things change. I took a cue from you, it’s time to be responsible. You of all people should be proud of me.”
“Proud of you? Aikona! No facking way.” Ian’s face turned crimson as I slid into my heels.
“Thank you for your concern, but I assure you I’m fine.”
He narrowed his eyes and strode toward me until the back of my knees touched the bed. I tried not to react to a whiff of his scent. He towered over me as I stood to my full height, thankful for the few inches of advantage my stilettos gave me.
“You want to have this surgery? Fine, tell me how this decision came to pass? You just woke up and decided to change the course of the rest of your life, to give away your chance of having a family, why?”
“I’m in pain!” I defended.
“Bullshit, Koti.”
“No, what’s bullshit is me having to explain myself to you. You don’t have a say in my life. Not anymore.”
“The hell I don’t. I’m the father of your future children so I damn sure do have a say.”
Instant tears filled my eyes and I turned to look out of the window watching the bustling traffic and a woman with a stroller move toward Central Park.
“That’s rich. I haven’t seen or heard from you in months.”
“Doesn’t matter how much time has passed, we’re still in love. I felt it the minute I walked through the door, I’m not playing the denial game with you, or any game ever, for that matter. That isn’t who we are. We’re closer than two people could ever be. I still love you, probably now more than I ever have. And I have loved you. Maybe in different ways and in different degrees over the years but I have loved you. You want to know what I’m doing here? I came to tell you that you’re worth it. And I’ve been stupid and selfish, and I want to spend my life with you.”
I turned back to glare at him. “News flash, egomaniac, I can live without you.”
“I know.”
“You left me with nothing.”
“I know.”
“I don’t need you anymore.”
“Maybe you don’t, but I still need you.”
He hung his head as I stood shaking with fury.
“That’s funny, I remember begging for any sign that you might. I remember telling you I would wait for you and getting nothing.”
“So, what’s this then? The final fuck you to our relationship? Tell me something, Koti. That day you dreamed of having a baby, the day of the accident, what color eyes did that baby have?”
“Ian, stop it. Okay, stop it!”
“They were my eyes, weren’t they? You never wanted a family, you never dreamed that far ahead until we fell in love.”
I stayed quiet.
“They were my eyes. I’m the man you pictured having a child with. I’m here to tell you I want the same.”
“Please,” I pleaded. “Please stop. That’s not the life I was supposed to live, remember? It’s not realistic. It was a childish move to run and throw it all away. As much as I hate to admit it, my mother was right.”
“Bullshit, that’s your mother talking. I won’t believe that of you. You were happy, and I destroyed it with my selfish shit and now you’ve used it as an excuse to move on the wrong way and in the wrong direction.”
“Who are you to judge me? You don’t know what it was like being in that house without—”
He took a step forward closing all the distance between us. “Without what? Me?”
“Just leave. I don’t want you here. How can I make that any more clear?”
“You could stop lying, not have tears in your eyes, not be searching for my lips to kiss you and itching for me to reach out and touch you. I see it all because I know you that well. I watched you and worshipped you for the best months of my life. I know what you need because I loved giving it to you and I will touch you the way you need me to and kiss you the way you want me to, but I need you to stop lying to me… right now.”
“So what, because you finally showed up I’m just supposed to get on my knees and be grateful you came back. Go to hell. It’s too late.”
His eyes closed painfully and when they opened, I could see them swimming with emotion.
“Maybe it is too late for us, if that’s what you say, I have no choice but to believe you, but this life you’re living now isn’t you.”