I WATCHED HER SLEEP, TRACING her skin with my fingers. She stirred slightly, her hair askew and then turned to face away from me. The pain that tiny move caused was unbearable. No part of me wanted to leave her. No part of me wanted the life that waited. I’d taken a job and sold my house to move into a rental. My future idle and dependent on Ella’s. Decisions had been made, life was in order, my daughter was waiting. I had to leave. Koti stirred, and again I was graced with the sight of her face. She slept restlessly most of the time, her beautiful form flailing at all hours of the night. I’d been on the receiving end of some seriously rough hours but had grown used to it over the months on my side of her bed. The only time she fully stilled was when she lay on my chest. I pulled her into my arms to give her more peaceful minutes of sleep and she went instantly lax. I whispered my apology while she slept.
“What have I done to us? I’m so sorry.”
I let it happen. She played a part too, but in the end, I’d given her every part of me. She knew my every side, the small details, and I knew hers. We shared the things that made us significant and I’d allowed it, knowing how much it would hurt to lose it.
Aside from my little girl, life had never gifted me anything so beautiful. I knew every inch of her golden skin, had drowned in the icy-blue pools of her eyes and basked in her warmth. I’d pulled every sweet sip from her lips. We’d become magnetic and inseparable and I let it happen in my selfish haze knowing it would rip us to shreds to lose it.
She was my golden shore after the shipwreck that was my life and she’d loved me with her whole heart, only to let me break it.
“Ian! Where are you, Ian!” she cried as she raced around the house.
“Over here, Koti,” I said, gathering wood in the alley for the fire I was building us.
“I’m leaving. Mom says we have to leave early. I can’t do the bonfire with you.”
“Okay, it’s okay, don’t cry.”
“She’s making me go to the school camp, so I can make friends. I don’t like those girls. I told you about them.”
“I know. But you’re easy to like so just let them come to you, okay? Remember what I said?”
“Have fun anyway?”
“Right.”
She hiccupped as her chest heaved with her upset. “You’re my best friend. Don’t forget me just ‘cause you get bigger, okay?”
“I won’t. Besides, we’re neighbors. I will probably see you around sometime next summer. Right?”
She nodded and nodded. “Maybe you’ll come back, and we can be best friends again.”
I rubbed the top of her head and she pushed it away with a smile.
“Of course.”
“Okay, and you’ll make me s’mores again?” She was still crying but trying her best to be brave for me.
“Banana pops too.”
“Promise?”
“I swear it.”
She hugged me tight with her whole little body and let go just as fast. “Bye, crocky”
“Bye, puffer fish.”
“Forgive me,” I whispered as I sank into sleep with her one last time.
Ian’s duffle bag fell heavy on the porch as I swayed in the hammock with Disco in my arms. Seconds later, Ian knelt at my feet and rubbed his fingers through her fur. His voice alone was enough to threaten the strength I’d mustered up.
“I was just thinking earlier this morning about the first time we said goodbye. Do you remember that?”
I cleared my throat. “Nope, must be the one that got away. So, here’s the way I see it.” I stood and let Disco down at his feet. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I’m taking the easy route.”
Pushing up on my toes I pressed my lips to his briefly and smoothed his cheek with my palm. “Go be happy, Ian. And do me a favor, take one small piece of advice from your muse?”
He bit his lip and nodded.
“Do whatever the hell it is you have to do to make yourself happy.”
I was fighting hard and losing as my throat burned with each passing second. “Okay?”
“I will.”
“Okay. And by the way,” I said, rambling on as I took the steps off the porch, “you’re a good friend. The best. And if you ever get back to St. Tho—”
I was pulled from the sand and crushed in his arms. Tumultuous gray eyes burned through me as he leaned in. “I choose the hard way.” His mouth crushed mine in a soul-stealing kiss and I felt the rest of me break beneath him. He pulled away, his eyes shredding me as they filled with regret. He didn’t want to hurt me, and I drew comfort that it hurt him just as much.
“I’m fucking miserable about leaving, but I would never ask you to give up your life for me. But if you ever find yourself in need of a change from the routine. Come to Texas.”
I nodded as tears collected in my eyes, unable to speak for fear of begging.
“Kissing you feels like a free fall, touching you makes me ache, and being inside you is so damn addicting. I’ll miss that, and our talks, our friendship. I’ll miss your bubble, Koti because that’s where I want to be, where I want to stay. And if it weren’t for Ella—”
“I understand,” I said around the ball in my throat. “I do. I swear. But watching you fall apart and put yourself back together was a gift. I’m so amazed by you.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. It’s ridiculous. We’re like a bad movie line, aren’t we? We’ll always have St. Thomas,” I rasped out.
“Jesus, I feel like hell.”
“Me too.”
“I already miss you.”
“Me too.”
“And because I’m a complete masochist, I can’t help but mention I’ve fallen madly in love with you.”
The world started crumbling beneath my feet as my stars were stripped away one by one. Swallowing a sob, I briefly showed him my pain. “Please go. I don’t think I can do this with you much longer.”
He nodded and picked up his bag. “Okay.”
He made it halfway down our sand alley when I stopped him.
“Bye, crocky.”
He turned to me with a sad smile. “Bye, puffer fish.
Tears streamed down my face as he walked toward his truck before once more glancing back at me.
I whispered my plea to the wind. “Maybe you’ll come back, and we can be best friends again.”
He nodded as if he’d heard me and I fell apart where I stood. He took a step toward me and I shook my head.
“Go,” I begged.
Shoulders slumped he got into his truck as I croaked out his name, but it was silenced by the wind.
And then he was gone.
Three months later…
“MORNING BABE,” JASMINE CHIMED AS she put her desk phone on speaker and some melodic hold music filled the office.”
“Hey,” I said, trying to clear my head to start my workday. I’d had an attack last night and Disco had peed on the bed next to me. It had been a shit morning and I didn’t at all feel like sharing. The pattern I’d started years ago had begun to recycle. I’d been having more attacks than usual, and I knew the reason. No one was to blame, but I’d never been so emotionally strung out. Horrible thoughts of Ian with someone else kept racing around my head as I attempted to fall asleep each night. I couldn’t really blame myself, it had been months. There was a chance he was dating, or worse might be developing feelings for someone else. But if he felt a tenth of what I was feeling, maybe he wasn’t living at all.
“You’re a wreck. Call him.”
“Why? Why do I have to be the one? I don’t even know if he’s feeling it on his end at all. Maybe I was imagining it.”
“He told you he was madly in love with you. He didn’t leave because he wanted to. He left because he had to. There’s a difference. You didn’t get left.”
Brown eyes stared down at me as I swallowed. “I’m forwarding the phones to my cell. You look like shit and I don’t want you greeting the renters this morning.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. I was up late last night.”
She slapped the top of my computer screen. “Look at me.”
Gazing up at her, I did my best to keep my chin from wobbling.
“Do I look upset?”