“What happened?”
“The next day I was expected to move on as if it never happened. Unsympathetic boss, the show must go on, that type of thing. Anyway, I blew it. As soon as I entered the building with the buyers, I had the mother of all attacks. I was fired because I’d potentially blown one of the biggest deals in real estate history, though we all knew the real reason why. I had my first public meltdown on what should have been one of the best days of my career, a huge milestone for me. With that deal put to bed, the possibilities were endless, my commission would have made me wealthy, I would have made a name for myself, yadda, yadda. But in the blink of an eye, it was gone.” Tears blurred my vision as he looked up to me and I smiled. “In a way, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t see it then when I was racing down snow-filled streets with a box full of my shit, having the worst day of my life. I didn’t see it hours later when I abandoned my apartment in New York, my friends, my boyfriend, my family and took a cab to the airport. And I didn’t see it in the weeks after as I stared at this ocean, or a month after that when Jasmine discovered me cowering in a bathroom of a Mexican restaurant after another attack. It’s now, now where I truly understand what a blessing it was to give up the charade. Instead of continuing to live a life I couldn’t live, I chose me.”
“You chose wisely.”
“I did. But you don’t understand, Ian. I wanted that life. I did, so badly, for myself, for my parents, but I couldn’t be that Koti and I never will be. There’s a difference between can’t and won’t. Can’t sucks. And I was good at it. I was really good at it. I loved my job, that part of it was never a lie. I loved my apartment. I loved New York most of the time. This, living here, wasn’t supposed to be my life.”
“Koti,” he said softly, “no part of you reeks of a mogul. Not that I don’t think you were capable, but I just don’t see you as that type. And your parents must not know you at all.”
“My dad, he knew. He just let my mother do most of the parenting and I know it breaks his heart and my leaving New York broke the rest of it. He feels like he failed me, he thinks I’m punishing him, but I came here to save myself. I don’t ever want to go back. I don’t resent him. I’m not even that angry with my mother. All of it, everything that happened, even my brush with death was a means to an end. It was my one and only warning to rid myself of a life that was slowly killing me anyway. I obeyed. I yielded to that warning. And so, I’m here living someone else’s life, in someone else’s house staring at someone else’s ocean.” I sighed. “Anyway, it’s over, I’m here. I’ve made peace with it and I’m not wasting any more time pretending to be someone I can’t be.”
Ian’s body shook with an ironic laugh. “You really are a good muse.”
“Glad you seem to think so.” I sighed. “So, there’s my five-minute sob story. Surprised?”
“A little,” he said as he stared up at me from where he sat. We were close, very close to the point I was hovering above him. Even with that awareness, I didn’t move.
“So welcome to the island of misfit-humans. It’s pretty cool here. And, by the way, Ian, you aren’t broken.”
“No,” he agreed quickly. “I’m not. I’m just really, really fucking mad.”
“Whatever’s wrong now, will make sense later. I hope you believe that.”
“I don’t.” He stood then, forcing me to take a step back. Water sprayed our feet as we stood there getting lost in the other. Ian was the first to break the connection.
“Goodnight.”
“Wait, Ian—”
“Don’t invite me into your life, Koti, or your heart, or your bed because I’m a selfish man right now and I’ll take you up on it without a second thought. If you move a single inch closer to me, I’m going to fuck you. And as much as we both want that, we both don’t need it. I will use you and it’s not because I don’t think you’re beautiful, or intelligent or worth more. It’s because right now, I’m incapable of being anything other than the man that uses you. And because I do think you are worthy of better, I’m not going to let it happen. So, goodnight.”
I stood stunned as he walked away. I expected him to head back to the house, instead, he walked down the beach.
I WAS SO CLOSE TO tasting her, but I knew I’d be forced to spit that taste out. And that was the part that made me walk away. I had restraint. I could give myself credit for that, but not much. I’d been so close to taking her into my bed and losing myself, that I practically had to run from her.
An entanglement couldn’t happen. As beautiful as she was, as much as I loved the sound of her voice and the sight of her smile, my heart was completely out of the equation. I didn’t think it had even made an appearance in the time I’d been on the island. Friendship… I was fine with that. And the wine hadn’t helped the fact that I was dangerously attracted to her. My cock grew rock hard at the sight of her frolicking in the water. She was pure temptation, an itch I was growing desperate to scratch and unknowingly receptive to me. Tonight, I made her aware of it and I could see the same need in her eyes. We were in hazardous territory and in no way was there any outcome other than hurting her.
Beautiful, smart, intoxicating, and exhausting. Koti came with a string of issues I had no intention of helping with.
Selfish.
That was the point of my new crusade. I’d played my part for two other women and had no intention of auditioning for the role of lead in anyone else’s life.
It was finally time for me to check off a few things on my own list.
Koti was right in the sense that the time was now. I had no obligation to anyone other than Ella. I needed to get back to my daughter, but I still felt the irrational burn every time I thought of her mother. I wasn’t ready. And I wasn’t sure when I would be but touching Koti would be a mistake.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I cursed when I saw Tara’s name. Thankfully, the wine hadn’t worn off yet.
“Yeah.”
“Ian?”
“Is my daughter okay?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Again, is Ella all right?”
“She’s fine.”
“Then we have no reason to be speaking.”
“I feel terrible.”
“Fuck you.”
“Please don’t say that to me.” She was crying, and I couldn’t muster a single ounce of pity.
“What do you want, Tara? Forgiveness would be laughable.”
She sniffed, and I had the urge to snap my phone in half. “A chance to explain.”
“Explain? Here’s an explanation. When I was deployed, you fucked your ex-boyfriend and you had a fight or better yet, let me guess, he dumped you. So instead of telling him he’s a father knowing he would be a dead-beat dad, you decided to tell your devoted soldier you were pregnant two days before he was set to re-enlist because he would do the honorable thing. Did I miss anything?”
“It was a mistake, one I regret every day.”
“A mistake that you decided to let me pay for. And now that we’re clearing the air, maybe it’s time I told you something.”