“You dildo, juggling, thunder cunt! What the hell Tash? Did you NOT learn to stay away from a brother who is spoken for?” Freak’s woman, Nikki demands. That isn’t what destroys me though. No, what does that is Carrie’s quiet gasp.
Fuck! I stand up, not caring one fucking bit that Tash falls to the ground. In the background Nikki and Tash start yelling, but it is Carrie standing in front of me that I concentrate on. I have to fix this. I need to fix this. I can’t lose Carrie.
“Carrie sweetheart, I can…it’s not what you think, Care Bear.”
She flinches like I hit her.
“Don’t. Oh, God Jacob, please don’t. Don’t you dare use that name on me, not now.”
She turns around and pushes through the front door before I can tell my fucking feet to move. I catch up with her seconds later outside.
“Carrie, I swear, nothing was happening. It wouldn’t. I have you, I don’t…”
“That’s just it, Jacob,” she says turning around, facing me and the sight of her tears is so hard to take, I almost wish she had kept her back to me. How many tears have I caused her? Why do I always hurt her? “You don’t have me. You’ve been pretending with me. I’m not what you want, not at all.”
“Bullshit. I’ve been showing you for months that you’re what I want.”
“Really, Jacob?”
“Damn it, you’ve been there in our house. You know! You get more of me than I’ve ever willingly given anyone.”
“Why do you refuse to sleep with me?”
“We fuck like bu….”
“I’m not talking sex Jacob, I mean sleep. Why can’t you sleep with me?”
“Now you’re talking crazy, Carrie. We sleep beside each other every night. C’mon baby, let’s go home,” I counter, her face looking even more shaken with my answer. I know I’m lying, but there’s no way she can. I need to get her home, calm her down. I can’t lose her. I start walking her towards her car.
Chapter 32
Carrie
Sometimes I think if you lie to someone enough you can break them. It’s like you’re delicate hand-blown glass and all the lies you’ve swallowed bends you until you shatter, completely shatter. When Jacob stands in front of me and says he sleeps beside me every night, I shatter. At that moment I am a walking corpse. The hurt is too big to measure, the pain is too substantial and the fear, the fear of life without Jacob, without having a half of me, is too consuming.
Oddly enough, I believe him about Tash. I don’t know that probably makes me a fool. What we’ve been sharing is too beautiful. I can’t see him giving that to anyone else. Is that what every woman says though who gets cheated on? I have no idea, but I feel in my heart he’s telling the truth. He looks me in the eye when he talks about her. He couldn’t when he vowed he slept by me every night. Even in my current state, I can see that.
So I’m weak. I let him take me back to the vehicle. I let him usher me into the passenger seat. I let him drive me home. I let all this happen and don’t say one word. I watch as he grabs the basket of food and carries it inside with us when we get home. I watch all of it, like it’s not really happening to me. It happens in slow motion in my brain, and I can’t bring myself to say one word.
Jacob leads me into the bathroom and sits me on the toilet. I watch as he runs water, adding my favorite bubble bath. I’ve still not spoken. He keeps talking and it sounds like it’s coming at me from far off in the distance.
I’m like a marionette and he’s controlling the strings. I say nothing when he begins to undress me, just lifting my hands and doing as he says. I don’t even understand it. I should be mad, I should be screaming at him. I can’t. Something is broken inside of me. With his final lie to me, something severed. I don’t know how he hasn’t noticed.
He helps me get into the tub and the hot water does feel good. I close my eyes and let the heat invade my body and ignore the one lone tear that falls down my face. I feel Jacob get in behind me. His legs come around each side of mine and he wraps his arm around my waist and brings me back into him so my back is against his front. He urges my head to fall back against his chest and despite the heat of the water bringing me somewhat back to life, I go. I lay my head there and wait for his heat and that of the water to work magic and heal me. I’m so deadly cold. Yet, it is so deep inside I know nothing will penetrate it.
I lie against him, listening to his heartbeat and notice that he has stopped talking. He has turned the water off. Now there is just silence. How long has there been silence?
“Carrie, you have to believe me, baby. I wasn’t going to let her touch me. I wouldn’t do that to you. I just… my head is fucked up, Care Bea…”