He sighed and took my hand, playing with my fingers. “About Kai.” He paused for a second to study my face. I nodded for him to continue, even though I was getting bored of Kai-talk from everyone that had an opinion on my friendship with him. “I know you’re friends but it bothers me how close you are.” He winced. “Look, I know I have no right and I would never ask you to change your relationship with him but I just wanted to be honest and say that I don’t like it.”
His not liking it wasn’t a surprise but I’d made myself clear that I was friends – nothing more – with Kai and no one was going to tell me what I could or couldn’t do.
“Luke.” I stopped talking when I realised I actually had no idea how to handle it. “Okay. Me and Kai are friends, he means a lot to me and he’s been there for me so many times. He understands because he lost his brother and handled Isaac’s death as well as I’m handling my dad’s. I want to be with you, but I won’t change my relationship with him. Maybe that’s really selfish, I don’t know, but other people have a boyfriend as well as friends of the same sex, so I don’t see why it should be different for me. What happened with him is in the past and I would never cheat on you.”
He nodded slowly, frowning as he thought about what I’d said. “Okay. I can accept that. I do trust you, Tegan, I guess I just needed a little reassurance.”
“I don’t mind reassuring you if it’s what you need to hear and help you to keep on trusting me. Kai’s really been there for me.”
“I know and I’m glad he has.”
“Are you cool now? Can we get back to our date?” He didn’t reply, instead he laid me down and kissed me until I felt dizzy.
Just after midnight Luke took me back to mine because the temperature had dropped and we were both getting tired. He gave me a long, deep kiss before leaving me to go back home.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Tegan
After Friday night I spent most of Saturday with Lucas, too, and it was the perfect weekend. He was so sweet, like going to give me a cavity sweet, but it was nice to just be able to relax without drama. I could feel things getting scary serious fast but he made me feel something close to happy so I didn’t want to put the breaks on.
Lucas squeezed my hand as we stopped in front of Dad’s grave. All I felt was a cold emptiness that reflected my life right now.
“Hey, you okay?” he said, running his thumb over my lip. It was only then that I felt the sting as I’d been biting it.
I released my lip and smiled up at him. “It’s okay.”
“Do you want to say anything?” he asked.
No. I definitely didn’t. Well, I wanted to be able to. That was the normal thing to do, right? But the thought of talking to a lump of rock above his cold body made my stomach turn and I didn’t want to open the emotion gate and let it all flood through.
“No, I can’t.”
Kai said I would know what he’d say back to me but I still wasn’t ready for silence after I finished speaking.
“Do you want me to?”
Frowning, I said, “Okay.”
He didn’t know my dad, what could he have to say to him?
“Hi, Simon. You’ve probably been watching pretty closely so I just want to start by assuring you I won’t hurt her. I know the situation isn’t exactly the norm but that doesn’t mean we can’t make it work.”
He was answering questions he thought other people would have for us or be saying about us.
“I bet you’ve been worried about her, but I promise you we’re all here for her, Alison and Ava. Nothing will happen to any of them while we’re around. I can’t thank you enough for what you did for my dad.”
Fuck. My blood ran cold.
“Things were bad, really bad. He was only just healthy enough to have surgery, any more time and he would’ve been too weak to even take the anaesthetic.”
I knew it was bad but I didn’t know Carl was that ill.
“The day we got the call we were overwhelmed with relief and worry. It wasn’t until I met Tegan at the hospital that I realised what my dad’s second chance at life cost another family.”
I wanted him to stop but I couldn’t move.
“I wish it could’ve been another way. I wish I could have met you and had you interrogate me face to face. I wish the girl I love wasn’t so lost. But she’s getting better, going to school.” I wanted to correct him; it was sixth form. What a fucking stupid thing to want with everything else he’d just said.
“I’m so proud of her and I know you are, too. I won’t let her down, Simon, I swear. You gave my dad, my whole family, a chance to be happy and a reason to carry on. I’ll do the same for your daughter.”
Was that what this was? Was Lucas with me out of guilt?
I took a step back and pulled my hand from his.
“What?” he said, turning around. “Hey, no, that came out wrong. I’m not here because I feel I owe it to Simon. There is nothing I could ever do that would set us straight. I’ll do whatever I have to make you happy again because I love you, Tegan. That’s all there is to it.”