“Andrew’s taken care of,” he said. “I’m with Laramie now.”
The words caught in my throat. Over the phone and with Colin sitting in his brother’s house most likely, was not the time or place to tell him, but I had to say something. I pushed past the panic lodged in my throat. “Oh,” I said, my voice hoarse. “That’s good.”
A short pause. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah,” I said, my voice breaking on my agreement.
“I’ll be home soon. We’ll celebrate.” He hung up.
Oh God, he was so horribly perfect. All concerned for my state of mind and trying to reassure me. Dealing with my shit, and for what? I couldn’t even have sex right. I would’ve thought two years was enough time to heal, but it was abundantly clear that I wasn’t okay. I was as messed up as ever, and worse, it was infecting Colin.
If he were just a little less wonderful, then my brokenness wouldn’t seem so bad. As it was, we fit together like a diamond in the gutter. On the outside we were well matched, but on the inside he was slumming with me. What would happen when he realized it? I’d be alone again, and Bailey would be back in that shit-poor apartment. At least the problem with Andrew had been resolved, I was thankful for that, but I didn’t want to go back to the way things were.
I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t.
I’d glimpsed happiness here. I might not deserve it, but Bailey did.
No, I wouldn’t even put this on her. I wanted this for myself. Living all ghetto had one major benefit—it had molded me this way. Ruthless.
From somewhere deep inside I dredged up the will to fight. A low-down, dirty street fight between me and, well, the other me. The stupid one who lied and fucked and hurt but had no business in Colin’s life. Her death was a worthy sacrifice so that Bailey and Colin and I could be a family.
And when Colin came home, offering a bouquet of daisies, I accepted them as my right. I thanked him as was appropriate. And I kissed him as I really wanted to—hard and deep.
It almost felt real. Maybe it was.
I felt fidgety, bursty, like I might explode but laugh right on through it. Was this happiness?
I wanted to jump Colin, though that feeling wasn’t new. But I didn’t want him to hurt me. I didn’t want him to hold me down or berate me. I wanted him to touch me, hold me, love me. I wanted to hear his voice again telling me everything would be okay. And, because happiness made me horny, I wanted his tongue on my clit. Pretty, pretty please.
But life intruded. I had Bailey, and that meant no midday sex romps.
“Let’s go out,” Colin murmured.
“Okay.” Think, think. Where did people go? None of our usual haunts—the library, the city park, the local playground—seemed adequate for this day when Colin would spend the day with us. A day of celebration.
And then it came to me—the zoo! We’d gone there once, but it had been so crowded and Bailey so young. A family thing, a real outing.
“What do you think of the zoo?” I asked Colin, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice in case he hated it.
“The zoo.” He nodded.
Bailey had been crawling figure eights around our feet, but now she stopped to look up. “Baba?” she asked.
Colin knelt down where he stood. Bailey pulled herself up by his knee to a stand.
“Want to go to the zoo?” he asked her.
She tapped his knee.
“She probably doesn’t know what that means,” I said.
“Giraffes,” he said. “Elephants.”
“Elphhhhhh,” Bailey said, spraying baby drool into his face.
“Oh!” I grabbed a nearby cloth and wiped him dry. “I’m sorry. I think she’s getting a tooth.”
He looked alarmed.
“Makes her drooly,” I said. “Plus the ‘phhh’ sound.”
“Ah,” he said. He didn’t sound too upset about the baby bath, for which I was thankful.
“Would it be at all possible for you to hang out with her while I get ready?”
At Colin’s nod, I hurried into the kitchen. Packing her bag for a long outing like this would take a while. I needed food and drinks and diapers and wipes and a change of clothes. Oh, and the camera. Crap, was it charged? Had I even unpacked it?
On a whim, I raced up the stairs to get Bailey’s animal flash cards. I handed them to Colin and said, out of breath, “You could show her these if you want.”
Then I was gone, loading the stroller and diaper bag into the car. And I was done. Bravo to me. Already feeling worn-out, I found Colin and Bailey on the living room floor where I’d left them.
“Phant,” Colin said. “El-e-phant.”
“Phhhhhhhhh,” Bailey said. Prepared this time, Colin blocked her easily with a cloth to catch the spray. She giggled.
“Phhhant,” he said.
“Phhhhhooey,” she said, then broke into peals of laughter when he wiped his hand.
“She’s playing you,” I said from the doorway.
He glanced back at me and winked. “I’m a sucker for that laugh.”