I sat in the grass and propped my arms on my knees, closing my eyes as a cool breeze swept past me.
“I miss you every day. Some days, I don’t know how I’ve gotten by without you to guide me all these years.” I paused and picked at the grass. “I met someone. She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. I don’t even know what it is.” I laugh. “But I know you’d love her.” I shake my head at myself as I think of everything going on in my life. “There’s so much she doesn’t know about me, Ma. Things that would make her run. Things I’m sure have you rolling in your grave. I don’t know how to stop it or get the thoughts out of my head.”
I stared at her headstone as I continued to talk, letting my heart speak for once. “Deep down, I want to change. I want to live, to love, but I don’t know how. Everything I’ve ever loved was taken from me, and I know I deserve it.” I let out a sigh. “If you knew what I’ve done, you’d probably disown me and I wouldn’t blame you for that, either. How do I let someone else in when I have so much damning baggage? I just don’t know how to let it go.”
I diverted my eyes as I thought about Emma. She made me feel so much, more than I’d felt in a long time. How did I let her past the walls I’d built? She’d already seen me without my mask, the clothes I used to shield my scars, but it was the darkness that lived under those scars I was worried about.
Taking in a deep breath, I let it out slowly.
“I love you, Ma. If by some miracle you can hear me, lead me down the right path. Show me what I need to do.” I stood up and brushed off the back of my pants, then placed a hand on the stone. “I’ll try not to stay away for so long.” And with those final words, I walked away to get ready for my meeting with Donicko.
*
Sitting at my desk, I twirled a pen between my fingers, attempting to go over things I’d planned on discussing in class on Monday, but my mind wasn’t into it.
After visiting my mother’s grave, Donicko was all I could think about.
A few hours earlier, it was different. Emma had taken over every thought. I’d laughed to myself because I thought I possessed her body, but she was the one possessing my mind.
When she’d finally walked out the door, that’s when reality hit me. It was like I’d been lost in a dreamland in her presence. Everything outside of the house walls hadn’t existed until that fantasy had to leave.
Once that reality set in, my demeanor completely changed. I knew she could sense it, but there was nothing I could do about it. The meeting I had with Donicko rushed in and took over any sense of normalcy I’d obtained for those few hours. I had to have my head in the game whether I wanted it there or not.
After I’d arrived home earlier, I headed into my office to make a phone call. I really wanted to go up the stairs to work out my anxiety, but first I had business to attend to.
I picked up my phone and dialed Luke.
“Hey, man.”
“Hey, I need a favor.” I grabbed a pen off my desk. “I need you to give me Steve’s number.”
“Steve? Steve Morison, the guy you can’t stand? That Steve?” He laughed.
“Yes.” I knew he’d give me shit for this.
“What’d he do? I can’t let you go kick his ass for something he probably doesn’t remember. I’ll vouch for him. He was probably drunk.”
“Has nothing to do with that. Just…I’ll explain later.”
Luke read off his number, and I jotted it down.
“Is everything all right?”
I stared at the number and asked myself that question. Am I all right?
No.
“Yes. Everything’s fine. I’ll call you soon.”
“You better, asshole,” were his parting words.
I placed the phone on the desk and tried to figure out why exactly Donicko wanted to see me. I had no idea what to expect. I tried not to let my imagination run wild, but that was hard to do.
Especially after the last encounter I’d had with him at the manor.
*
Nineteen years old
I’d received an invitation in the mail a week before. Donicko was holding a soiree and instead of inviting John only, he included me as well, with my own personal invite.
My lips skewed in disgust at the stiff paper as soon as I saw the name printed on it, but the idea of not attending was short-lived.
Although I was considered an adult and was attending college, I was not able to do what I wanted freely. I was still stuck under John’s thumb. He’d stay out of my life for the most part, knowing I despised him, but at times like these, he liked to pull the father card. People knew him for his name, and he liked to use me as a business tool.