Coming back to San Francisco had turned Jack’s whole world upside down. He wondered why he had made the trip, even—what had gotten into him, what had made him so excited to make this mad trip out to the Coast. Here he was, penniless and friendless—or so he felt—and for what? He was questioning every single thing in his life. It was like I wasn’t even there, like I wasn’t the same girl that I was before, the girl he’d been so attracted to, the “beautiful little sharp chick” with all the “golden ringlets” that drove all those Columbia guys crazy. I had lost some of my appeal for Jack, just like San Francisco had, when the supercharger was no longer behind us.
Neal had been pushing me into Jack’s arms. For a couple of weeks, while we were getting ready to leave New York, Neal was becoming aware that Jack and I were spending more time together, that we had feelings for one another. And Neal never allowed something like that unless he dictated it or sort of arranged it, you might say. His ego wouldn’t let something like that happen. It was especially troubling for him because he had brought me to New York, and now he was seeing that—if he left the situation alone—things might go their natural way and I might decide to stay in New York with Jack. Neal would never have gotten over that. He started, not literally telling Jack what to do with me, but letting Jack know what he was thinking. He’d encourage Jack by telling him, “Why don’t you and Lu Anne talk together?” Or he’d just set up situations where Jack and I would be by ourselves.
There was no way Jack would have ever made a pass at me as long as he thought Neal was in the picture. I mean, he wouldn’t have. He wouldn’t have come near me. Even though we were both well aware how we were feeling, if he thought for one second that I was still Neal’s girl, that Neal was there as my lover, Jack would never have shown the least interest in me. He would have kept away from me—out of fear of Neal. Not fear physically—I don’t mean that. I mean, Jack would have been afraid to overstep, to compete with Neal. I’m absolutely sure of that—Jack wouldn’t have allowed a competition thing to arise. Jack would never have gotten romantically involved with me unless Neal was either giving his blessings, or else completely out of the picture.
What happened, finally, was that Jack and I, on our own, sat down and had a talk in New York. We made our own agreement that when we got to San Francisco it would be us, and we would go our own way and find out what was happening between us. That was where I told him that there was the possibility we might end up together. But as long as we were in New York and Neal was there, Jack and I agreed to keep our feelings quiet. Neal knew nothing about this till later.
Jack and I never had any kind of sexual relationship in New York. Oh, he had kissed me, you know! But he never even tried to do anything more. Never! Of course, we held hands constantly; we were constantly touching each other. And dancing! And really, really enjoying one another—I mean really enjoying each other’s company. That’s what I said, how I explained it to Neal, when Neal suddenly woke up and became aware of this budding romance. It was because he was so busy doing his own thing, having his own fun, that it slipped by him—and he was furious when he realized that here was this thing flowering under his nose and he’d missed it! It killed him that he hadn’t realized what was going on. Just like that, Neal could become something else—I mean, he became very, very possessive, at least with me. Anytime he walked into my house, it was like the years hadn’t gone by. I still belonged to him—that was the end of it. There were no questions or anything I could say that would change that. After Jack had gone over to stay at Neal’s, they still came over regularly to see me; and when Jack and I talked after that, we both just accepted that Neal and I were still together.
Neal Cassady, no date. (Photo courtesy of Anne Marie Santos.)
PART FIVE
1949 was a year when great changes were beginning in America—the Cold War was deepening; the Korean War was just a year off; racial unrest was escalating rapidly toward the explosive, if nonviolent, birth of the civil rights movement only a few years later—and great changes were about to overtake the lives of Neal, Jack, and Lu Anne as well. Jack would become a published author, first with a book, The Town and the City, that sold only a few hundred copies, and then with a second book that became a controversial national best seller, On the Road. Neal too would become a national celebrity, but as the criminal hero of Jack’s best seller, and the notoriety would help land him in San Quentin for two years. And Lu Anne would marry, have a baby, divorce, and go on to marry two more times—while never finding any other man she could love as fully and deeply as she did Neal Cassady.