The only thing I can say for sure is that Jack and I needed something a great deal different than each other at that time. Like I say, I don’t remember whether it was Jack who gave the idea to Neal, or Neal who proposed it to Jack—or maybe I talked to Neal, because we were calling Neal a lot at that point—but Neal came over and picked up Jack. Of course, I still saw both of them after that. I saw them quite often, as a matter of fact.
A little bit later came the famous incident of Neal’s broken thumb.21 We got back together after I left the Blackstone Hotel. Neal came back to see me, and I decided, “Okay, we’ll try it again.” I admit, it was an insane thing to do. I don’t know what was happening with Neal and Carolyn. Carolyn always seems to think that I came looking for her Neal; “as always” is the way she puts it. Whether Neal told her this or not I have no idea. But the truth is, Neal wouldn’t let go. And unfortunately, I didn’t let go either—like there was this umbilical cord between us, so to speak. Jack had gone back to New York—this was early 1949. He was so hurt and so disgusted, I think, that he just wanted to get out. He wanted something familiar, the same as I did. We were both in exactly the same position. We were just lost. Somebody just took us and dumped us, and there we were. We were trying to lean on each other, and neither one was giving any support, really. We just weren’t able to give anything to each other.
Jack wrote in On the Road: “I lost faith in Neal that year.” Oh, it was a terrible, terrible period! Because, you know, half of it, like anything else, was just the disappointment when something great ends. You take a trip, and when you get home, there’s always a little letdown. And that, really, could have been accepted. What was so terrible was the way that it was done—the way that Neal just sort of deserted us. And I know Neal well enough to know that he didn’t intend to hurt us. I know he didn’t even realize that he was hurting us, or what he was doing to us. Unfortunately, that was one of Neal’s worst traits. He could hurt so damn bad and not even be aware of it. It was unbelievable, sometimes, how he could be so totally unaware that any big emotional thing was even going on. And, of course, a lot of big things were going on inside us at that moment.
There were more than just the feelings between Jack and I, because Neal was mixed up in all of it—for both of us—and we didn’t have anywhere to turn except to each other, and we were of no help to each other at all. I’ve thought a lot about why I even made that trip back to New York with Neal. I certainly didn’t go with the expectation of getting married to him again. I went on that trip solely as an adventure. I remember talking to him half the night about it. Because he got to Denver about two o’clock in the morning; and when he came into the room and told me, “Pack your bags, we’re goin’ to New York!” I immediately said, “Of course.” I loved to go anyway; I was always ready. I was like Neal in that respect—it didn’t take very much to move me. And I wanted to go immediately, but I wanted him to know I wanted to go on my terms. I wanted to go as my own person, and I was not going to go back into the same trap again. He was not going to be the boss, going here and there, and treating me as his property. I wasn’t going to have it that way. Of course, that’s the way it turned out.
But the point is, I was insistent. I mean, I was trying very hard to be independent of him. That’s why I say a great many things might have been entirely different if we had stayed in New York a little longer. I think it would have made a big difference because it would have given Jack and I a chance to allow our feelings—the feelings that we had for each other—to go ahead and grow, or die a slow death of whatever. We needed time together without all the excitement that was being emanated by Neal, concerning the trip and how everything was gonna be in San Francisco—and this and that. Neal was giving us expectations and feelings and all sorts of things that really weren’t there—he was talking about things that weren’t real, or they hadn’t had a chance to become real yet. And then to get the feeling at the end of it all, which Jack did, from Neal, that Neal just didn’t give a damn about him—I really hadn’t expected Neal to do that. But at the same time, I knew Neal well enough that I wasn’t surprised by it like Jack was. Because for Jack it really was a shattering blow.