“I thought that was you.” She doesn’t look at me, as she looks up to the sunny sky. She’s in a black lace dress, with a matching black hat that is two sizes too big.
“Mom, I…” I stop. I don’t know what to say. I want to tell her Dad was dirty, that he wasn’t the man we thought he was, but I don’t want to break her heart more than it already is. Maybe her remembering him the way I thought he was wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
“Sit.” Her voice is sharp, her face serious. Pulling the glasses off her face, her makeup is perfect. It doesn’t even look like she’s been crying.
Turning to me her stone face breaks, turning into sympathy. “Don’t you waste your tears on him, baby.”
My heart stops. “What?” I mutter.
“I loved your daddy, and he loved you, but he was crooked as they come. Him being in that grave is probably the best for us both. To be honest, I expected this to happen a lot sooner than it did.”
I shake my head, a tear spilling from my eyes and slipping onto my lips.
“You knew?”
“Of course I knew. How could I not know?” she laughs.
“Well, I just found this out,” I state, feeling stupid for not knowing.
“Good, that means I did something right in raising you. I did everything I could to protect you from his side deals. One time he took money from a gang here in town, and I guess he didn’t go through with his side of the deal.” She narrows her brows at me. “They set our house on fire and we lost everything. If it weren’t for the department and Red Cross we’d have slept on the streets, Jillian.”
Oh, my God, I remember that fire. “You said it was an electrical fire.” I blink rapidly, remembering the flames licking up the side of the house as we set outside in our pajamas.
“Yeah, well, you were a kid.”
I rub at my forehead, I’m so stressed out. “Everything he taught me about being a cop.”
“Was out of the goodness of his heart, he didn’t want you like him. I do commend him for that.” She nods quickly, pointing at nothing in particular.
“I could have been killed as many times as I rode around with him.”
She bites at her cheek, looking away. “We fought about that regularly. I wanted him to retire, give you the reins so you could turn the department around. Your dad giving up control, that was the tricky part.”
“Doesn’t matter anymore, I’m not going to be able to do anything after they think I killed him.”
“I know you didn’t kill him, as soon as that came on the TV I knew his dealings finally caught up to him. I was worried sick trying to find you. Alessandra and I even printed out fliers,” she smiles, grabbing my hand. “I’ve hardly slept, nervous something had happened to you. The department wouldn’t return my phone calls, or tell me anything about your case. I prayed, and hoped in my soul that you would return unharmed.”
I smile, looking down. Not sure how and if now is the right time to reveal I’m with child.
“You alright, dear?” She brushes a hair behind my ear.
I shake my head, the urge to cry strong. Fuck these hormones. “I’m pregnant, Mom. It’s what kept me strong the whole time I was away.”
“What?” her voice is high, her body leaning in like maybe she didn’t hear me right.
“I’m pregnant.” I get straight to the point this time. Looking up at her, a big smile spreading across her face. She heard me that time.
“Oh, my!” She clasps her hands, and looks up at the sky. “I never thought I’d see the day!”
“Mom!” I chastise.
“Was it with that fella, the one with the big—”
“MOM!” My face reddens. We’re so going to Hell.
“Well, is it?”
“Yes, his name is Zevin, but everyone calls him Zeek.”
“Oh, you have to have him over for dinner. I want to meet him, with clothes on this time.”
She starts jumping in her spot, excited.
“He’s not what you think, Mom.” Here comes the news that is going to break her happiness, but I feel she needs to know who he is to fully accept him. I’m not going to tell her everything, of course, she doesn’t need to know Zeek killed her husband, but letting her know that Zeek is no choir boy might be a start.
She stills. “Is he good to you?”
I flinch, not sure where she’s going with this.
“Yes.”
“Do you think he’ll be a good dad?”
I nod. I’m sure of it.
“Then that’s all that matters. Bring him over, we’ll have my casserole you like so much.”
***
“DEPUTY MCADAMS, I’VE GONE over your statement and just wanted to confirm a few things?” Sergeant Chang pulls a chair out, and takes a seat. He’s got a potbelly, his head bald with little dark freckles all over it.
“Yes, of course.” My palms are sweaty, afraid they won’t believe me. Why would he, I’m a terrible liar.
“You said here that the Italian gangster who goes by the street name Cross, was the one who shot Lieutenant Oaks, correct?”