He woke again a few hours later, calmly stood, went to his clothes chest, and began dressing. The day had just begun to dawn, so there was no need to rush. He paused after donning his underclothes, then walked into the kitchen.
It seemed Sodar was still asleep, so Annev silently gathered a small bowl, a bar of soap and a damp rag. He returned to his room for a cold sponge bath then finished dressing, pulling on Myjun’s phoenix glove last of all. It wouldn’t hide his prosthetic from any magic scrying devices, but it felt odd not having something to cover his left hand and forearm. Seeing the stitches Myjun had so carefully made reminded him what he was fighting for today.
When Annev re-entered the kitchen, he saw a fire had been lit in the hearth. A bowl of soup and a cup of tea also sat on the table. Sodar stood beside them. He nodded at Annev, gesturing him to sit.
‘I saw you’d risen early to do your chores and so I thought you’d want an early breakfast.’
Annev glanced at the steaming bowl and mug. ‘Magic?’
Sodar shrugged. ‘Can’t conjure something from nothing, but I may have had a little help warming the food and starting the fire.’
Annev snorted. ‘So long as it’s not some mouldy bacon from that sack of yours.’
Sodar smiled, and some of the tension seemed to go out of him. ‘I can always pull some out if you’d like. I’m sure it’s still warm – and fresh.’
Annev shook his head. ‘You said I couldn’t have it unless I pulled it from the sack myself.’
‘I suspect you now could, if you wanted to. You’ve already mastered Mercy’s magic. The bag should be no challenge.’
Annev had no answer for that – not after his magical display yesterday afternoon – so he simply nodded and sat at the table. As Sodar turned to get his own bowl, Annev bowed his head and said a silent prayer, invoking Odar’s will and a blessing on both the food and his performance at the Test of Judgement. He ate quickly, not knowing what to say, and had already finished when Sodar set his own bowl and cup on the table.
Annev stood, gathering his dishes and glancing at Sodar. When he made eye contact, he noticed the tension had returned to the old man’s shoulders. Annev swallowed, the guilt in his gut rising to his throat.
‘Thank you for breakfast.’
‘You’re welcome,’ Sodar said, his tone conveying more than mere words.
On another day, in a previous time, Annev would have embraced the man, Sodar would have wished him luck, and some good-natured ribbing would have followed his well wishes.
But it was different now. They both sensed it, and Annev wasn’t sure there was any way to fix it. Neither of them had the heart to joke about the forthcoming test. Not now, with this wedge between them and so much still unspoken. Not with this being Annev’s last chance to earn his title.
‘Good luck.’
Annev nodded. He set his dishes by the sink, thinking to leave them for the priest, then changed his mind. He washed the cup, spoon and bowl with Sodar’s eyes on his back. When he was finished, Sodar was still watching him. Annev turned to go.
‘Oh!’ Sodar called. ‘One more thing.’
Annev turned and the priest threw a black glove to him. He caught it, and found it looked much like his old Glove of Illusion, save that this one was a patchwork of worn scraps and rough stitches.
‘Pieced it together from your old gloves,’ Sodar said. ‘I’d kept the pieces for the memories more than anything else, and now they’re serving their original purpose again.’
Annev stared at the glove, his eyes growing misty at the priest’s gift. He tried to voice his thanks, but the words caught in his throat.
And then Sodar was embracing him. Annev wasn’t sure who had closed the distance, but he hugged the man tightly, whispering his gratitude.
Sodar’s voice was tight with emotion, too. ‘Don’t go losing this one. There won’t be any more, and you can’t live at the Academy with that hand uncovered.’ The man smiled, his face shining with tears, and Annev realised he’d been a fool.
Tosan’s logic had been so persuasive – Annev couldn’t deny that Sodar’s ideology had cost him his title in previous competitions – but there was something more, that Tosan did not want Annev to see: Sodar believed in Annev, and he did not want him to fail. Rather, Sodar was the one person who believed Annev could pass the Test of Judgement without compromising his morals. Annev wasn’t sure he believed that himself, but the priest’s faith in Annev let him rekindle that ember of hope.
‘Sodar …’ Annev began, knowing he had to ask.
‘Yes?’
‘Do you want me to become an avatar?’
There. He’d said it, and there was no way of taking it back. He watched for Sodar’s reaction, trying to divine the man’s thoughts, but his mentor betrayed none of them.
‘I want you to be happy,’ he said slowly, ‘which means defining yourself by more than a title or a uniform. Words like “avatar” and “priest” are too small for you – and your heart is too big for them. I don’t believe you’ll be happy in either role because you’re greater than the sum of their parts.’
‘So … you don’t want me to pass the test?’
Sodar’s eyes softened, his expression tinged with sadness as he saw Annev did not understand. ‘You’ve already passed the test – you’ve passed it a thousand times, and I expect you’ll pass it again today. Earning a title from the Academy?’ Sodar shrugged. ‘It’s immaterial. I know you can do it – and it would be satisfying if you achieved what you’ve sought for so long – but it’s not going to bring you joy. That comes from in here.’ He tapped Annev’s breast. ‘Do you understand?’
Annev was not sure he did, but he had the answer he needed. Sodar’s faith in him had sparked a different kind of flame. After his tormented night, he felt the hope of something fresh – a certainty that he didn’t have to choose between Sodar’s chapel and Tosan’s Academy but could combine them. He didn’t quite understand it, but he fanned the flame nonetheless, and he felt the fire growing in his chest.
Annev would pass today’s test – and he would do it on his own terms. He doubted that was what Sodar intended, but Annev knew he had to try. He wouldn’t let the ideologies of either man dictate his choices in the arena: whatever happened, he would follow his heart and accept the consequences.
Sodar squeezed Annev again, then released him, wiping his eyes as he pushed Annev towards the door.
‘Go. Tomorrow robs us of our present joys, so savour today – and give them hell.’
Chapter Twenty-Six
Annev climbed the last step leading to the second floor of the Academy just as Master Edra turned the corner and entered the same hall. He gave Annev a bleary-eyed nod as they approached one another, stopping in front of the dormitories belonging to Annev’s classmates.
‘Did you do your weapons training like I asked?’
‘Yes, Master Edra. Sodar and I sparred last night, just before Regaleus services.’