“That’s why he can’t sleep.”
Shade stared directly at her. “Yes. It was better here at the clubhouse, but it’s becoming worse.”
“Because of me,” she stated, staring back at him. “Why?”
“I don’t know. You’d have to ask Lucky that question.”
“Why do you believe the PTSD is becoming worse?”
“The brothers and I kept Lucky physically active. We aggravated him so he’d come down to the gym to work out his aggression. We kept him busy with paperwork and errands. We also have initiations for the recruits, and we made sure he was always one picked to fight.”
“The women, also.” Willa bit her lip. “He used knives on them.”
“Not like you’re thinking, Willa. It’s not about cutting; it’s about trust. Lucky is a master with those things. He never makes a mistake with them.”
“You’d have to trust someone a lot to let them put a knife to your throat,” Willa said ruefully.
Shade pointed at the medals still sitting on her lap. “Do you really believe that the man who earned those medals could hurt a woman, especially one he loves enough to risk his sanity?”
“Do you think he knew it was going to be hard leaving The Last Riders?”
“Yes, it was hard for him when he was undercover, but building the cases kept him busy, and the parishioners.”
“He doesn’t have that now, and he walked away from the club.”
“Exactly.”
“I didn’t ask him to leave.”
Shade stood, taking the medals away from her and stacking them back into the cabinet before locking the drawer closed then locking the cabinet.
“I would like those, please.”
“They aren’t mine to give.” Shade put his hands in his pockets, going to stand by the door. “You may not have asked him to leave, but you knew he was leaving because of you. He already feels guilty because Bridge wants to hurt you. Do you know he always said he was going to marry a slut?”
“What?” Willa gasped. She didn’t know if she should be happy or upset that she didn’t fit Lucky’s image of a perfect wife.
She thought Shade’s mouth twitched, but she couldn’t be sure.
“He’ll tell you it was because of Bridge, that he didn’t want to leave a wife behind who couldn’t move on, but I believe he knew it would be difficult to leave The Last Riders. A slut would fit into the club.”
“That’s true,” Willa snapped then frowned. “There’s something I don’t understand. I thought Bridge threatened to kill the woman Lucky loves, not Lucky.”
“He did, but if Lucky finds out Bridge got anywhere next to you, he’ll kill Bridge. Lucky is a Christian, but he won’t mind going to prison if he thinks anyone he cares about is in danger.”
Willa stood, walking to the large bed before turning to face Shade. “Lucky needs The Last Riders to heal.”
“Yes and no. He needs you, too.”
Willa dropped her head. “I can’t share him, and I really don’t want to let someone else touch me.” She looked up to see his reaction.
Shade’s arms crossed over his chest. “Do Lily and Beth seem happy to you?”
“You mean … I thought because they lived…”
“Rachel and Cash have their own home, too. Lucky laid the foundation for his home a few feet from Razer’s.”
“He didn’t tell me…” Willa didn’t know what to do. To help Lucky, she was going to have to let go of the ideal of the kind of marriage she and Lucky should have. It was going to be up to her to make most of the changes and accept a group of people as family.
“Can I ask you one more thing?” she asked hesitantly.
“Go ahead.” This time, there was no mistaking his amusement.
She pointed to the upstairs. “Is it always like that, or was it just a wild night?”
“It gets worse.”
Willa paled.
“I know you, Willa. You’re strong enough to make a place for yourself in the club. Lucky will help you find the parts you like and keep you from the rest. It can work if you want it to.”
Willa nodded, walking toward him, and Shade opened the door for her.
“Something you said about when Lucky was behind enemy lines … You said he had crawled between two rocks. How did he get from there to the helicopter?”
“That’s another question.” He moved aside so she could pass. Instead, she stopped in front of him with tears coursing down her cheeks, barely able to see him as she tried to blink them back.
“You broke cover, didn’t you? You saved his life, and it wasn’t the last time, was it?” She went to her toes, reaching up to kiss Shade on his cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Chapter 26