I straighten up on the stool. She knows something that she believes Jake shouldn’t. Has she spoken to Tyler?
“I’ve interviewed some fertility experts,” she says. “They will swear that the hormone withdrawals that you experienced after giving birth likely played a role in destabilizing your brain and made you unable to control your actions.”
I breathe. “That’s good, I guess.”
“We also have an expert on circadian rhythms who will testify that the sleep deprivation you were experiencing from nursing an infant all night might have also contributed to you becoming divorced from reality, kind of putting you in a dream state while you were talking to the deceased.”
I think back to Colleen’s hand, how it had resembled a spider crawling toward the gun. Was I half asleep when I murdered her? Was I incapable of stopping myself?
“The pipe makes what you did look premeditated, but I think the sleep expert will go a long way toward convincing a jury or judge that you picked it up without being fully aware of your intentions.”
She smiles at me. There’s something behind the expression. I nod for her to continue, still bracing myself.
“I also spoke with that shrink you were seeing.”
My stomach drops to my knees. She’ll either tell Jake that I revenge-cheated or it will come out in court. He won’t support me then. Right now, he feels as though he’s to blame for pushing his vulnerable wife over the edge. But if he feels that I was not weak and helpless, that I, in fact, was ready to leave him . . .
“Dr. Tyler Williams will swear under oath that you were suffering from a very severe type of postpartum depression that made it difficult for you to control your actions and emotions.”
“He said that?”
My lawyer smiles, a closed-mouth, knowing expression. There’s a glint in her eye. “He did. He also said that your postpartum depression was so severe that you may have also suffered from transference—thinking that you had romantic feelings for your doctor and that they were reciprocated. Given everything you were going through and your discovery of Jake’s cheating, it makes sense. He said you might believe that things happened between you that never did. You could have suffered delusions.”
I understand the subtext. Tyler is willing to testify that I was crazy when I killed Colleen as long as I don’t out him for having a romantic relationship with a patient. “I understand,” I say. “Any feelings that I had for him were really just me being desperate and delusional.”
She raps the metal table with her fingertips in approval and dips her head toward her briefcase. When she rises, she holds a manila folder, a pen, and a yellow legal pad. She places everything on the table and then pulls the notebook in front of her. She peels back the cover, picks up the pen, and taps the point against the first sheet. “Okay.” She inhales and then exhales audibly, as though we have a long night ahead of us. “Let’s go over our story from the beginning.”