OUR DORMITORY IS SO QUIET. It seems wrong, as if after all the gunshots and death tonight, my room should be part of the war zone. Mei lies across from me with a pillow over her head. As if nothing happened.
Cale woke up as I carried her in. They have her on a monitor in a sterile white room over in Yizhi. No word on SS levels yet, but they are watching her.
She didn’t look at me once. Wouldn’t even ask what happened. I left with her toothy mask in my hands, not sure what to do with it. I didn’t even remember that I wasn’t supposed to be in the hospital until I caught one of the Yizhi workers pointing at me, two more joining with him to watch as I brushed my way out the door.
The team that brought Kasim in took him straight to surgery, but the healthy warmth in his eyes was back by the time they hustled him past me in the hall. He was cracking jokes with the boys carrying the stretcher and winking at Mei.
They have him locked up somewhere too. Just in case.
I didn’t know what to do next, so I followed Mei back to our room. To sleep.
At least Mei is succeeding.
I can’t close my eyes without seeing the gore’s fluid leap toward me, or Kasim’s blood pooling in the dirt all around him, or the Reds sinking to the ground in slow motion. My mind keeps replaying it all over and over until I have to get up.
As I wander up and down the Menghu halls, my bare feet ache with the cold. This whole place seems to be submersed in ice water. I walk until I’m high up above the Core, dangling my feet out over the hundred-foot drop through the railing. The height pulls at me, pressing at my lungs and tingling in my head. It makes me forget all the things lurking just behind my eyelids.
I look up when someone slides down next to me, shifting his legs over the side to kick beside mine. Howl’s eyes have heavy, dark circles underneath them, making him look years older. But he still has a smile for me.
I turn back to the edge, not sure what to say. Howl knows more than what he told me outside. Knows what it is Dr. Yang wants. But he has deliberately kept it from me. Why? He was arguing for people in the City, arguing not to let the Cales and Helixes in the Menghu ranks near unarmed citizens with a gun. I put a hand to my forehead at the thought of Cale, my stomach writhing with the image of her coat burning, the gore’s jagged teeth as it opened its mouth wide . . .
“Are you all right?” Howl finally breaks the silence.
I close my eyes. “I don’t think I ever said thank you.”
“Thank you for what?” His voice is rough. Tired.
“For getting me out of the City. Away from this.” I hold my hand out, scar stark and white against my skin. Helix’s comments climb up into my thoughts, pitched against the argument I overheard in the Heart, demanding to be let out. But the words don’t come, stamped down beneath the gore’s black eyes.
He takes one of my hands, rubbing his thumb across the brand. “Did it hurt?”
“I don’t remember.” I want Howl to be the person I got to know in the forest. The person who carried me away from the Reds when I had a concussion and cried with June when Liming died. I have to trust someone.
And I choose Howl.
I chose him when I pushed the last hope of Tai-ge out of my mind. And Howl chose me back, not caring where it led him, who would be angry. I finally understand what he meant that first day when he told Dr. Yang that I was the only one like him. He’s the only one like me. Banished from the City. Running away from our pasts. We’re both outcasts from the place we once thought of as home.
“I can’t stand the Menghu,” I say. “I think I’m done.”
Howl raises an eyebrow. “You want to go back?”
“No. Not to the City.” There wasn’t much of a life in the City for me even when the Firsts still were willing to tolerate my presence. I can see that now. With an execution order on my head, I’d almost rather let the gores do it than stand under the Arch with my mother watching from above. “I can’t fit here. I don’t want to. If it weren’t for Mantis . . . I just want to go live in our tree house Outside. With huge electric fences to keep everything out.” My own safe haven. Where I can break myself into little pieces in peace.
Howl catches my eye and puts a finger to his lips. He slips a hand into my pocket, coming out empty. “I couldn’t find you on the telescreen. I saw you from down there.” He nods toward the floor stories below us. “You don’t have your ID card, right?”
I must have left it in Jiaoyang before going Outside with Kasim. “No. Are they . . . ?” I look around the way he did, but no one is in sight. He’s worried about our voices carrying. Whispering as softly as I can, I say, “They’re listening, too? Not just tracking me.”
He nods. “We can talk in Nei-ge. Or Outside. But they are definitely keeping tabs on both of us.”
“Why?” My voice is flat. The idea should bother me, but I can’t find any emotion left over to worry.
“That is a very complicated question.” Howl pulls me up from the balcony and we walk down the hall, a tingle sparking up my side as he slips an arm around my waist. He whispers too, now, “Maybe we should ask June about it.”
June? Does he mean he’s reached the end of wanting to stay here too, and this is the safest way to say it?
“Should we ask her?” I glance self-consciously up at the screens around us, wondering if someone is watching right now. Nervousness and an odd fluttering at the word “we” attempt to penetrate the fuzz coating my brain.
“I think it would be the safest option.” He looks both ways. “The sooner, the better.”
I don’t have any fear, the gore attack blocking out what “going to ask June” would mean. No Mantis. Outside. Facing the unknown. “Maybe if I make it through the night, okay? It’s pure luck that I’m not half-digested right now. We can talk about it in the morning.”
Howl’s angry tone surprises me. “I don’t know what Kasim was thinking. If I had known . . .” He rubs his eyes. “That’s why I’m up, actually. General Root wanted to show me the disk Mei brought in. It’s an SS mine, but nothing like I’ve ever seen before. You found them setting the mines near the base of the Mountain?”
“I found them dragging Kasim away by his ankles. The disk was just a bonus.” I shake my head, an image of Kasim’s leg bent askew shivering through me. “Is Kasim going to fall Asleep? And Cale?”
Howl shrugs. “We’ll see, I guess. It doesn’t make sense. The City knows we have Mantis. And the effectiveness of these things would be tiny, only infecting three or four people at the most.” He pulls something out of his pocket and presses it into my hand, then puts a finger to his lips. “I’ll walk you back to your room.”
“What is . . .”
He shakes his head, glancing at the telescreen.
It’s as long as my pinkie and rubbed smooth, like a river rock. Thick at one end, it narrows to a point under my fingers. There is a leather strap tied around it. A necklace. I keep it balled in my fist, hiding it from anyone who might be watching.
Night-lights follow us as we walk, little points of illumination dribbling out over our feet. As we pass a closed door, Howl squeezes my arm and taps the sign at the side of the door marked SERVICE.
Meeting his eyes, I nod. I’ll remember where the door is. Are we really going to leave? But what about . . . me? SS?
When we get back to the Menghu collective, he bends in close, lips brushing my ear. “Be careful. Don’t talk about it. Three days from now.” And points back down the hallway.
The service stairs must go Outside to the maintenance grid. I nod and hold up three fingers. Establishment celebrations Mei told me about are in three days. Maybe the Menghu will be too distracted to notice we’re gone. He stands there, grim-faced. I want him to laugh, to smile again. “I had fruit for breakfast this morning. It was amazing. Thank you for convincing me it isn’t poison.”
His eyes crinkle up at the corners, full mouth curving into that smile I was hoping for. I want him to come nearer, to turn how close we are into something real. I want everything to be right. His fingers sweep the hair out of my face, messy from my unsuccessful sleep.