Mother brought them books, imagination, and beauty, and they have it all locked away so no one can touch it. Just like the First library. Only noncorruptibles allowed. My next breath doesn’t feel quite so unrestrained.
We walk in single file, the pictures and paintings decorating the hall a stark contrast to the bare walls that make up the rest of the Mountain. It feels odd to have things adorning the walls like medals of honor all around me. The City is bare except for slogans and statues to remember Liberation. A few portraits of Yuan Zhiwei and Chairman Sun, like the one of Howl with his father in the City Center. Anything else would be selfish. Except for the picture window in the First library. I always assumed it was there to catalog the excesses of Before, and I was a little embarrassed at how much I liked it. Maybe the other Firsts liked it too; they just didn’t want to share with anyone else.
We finally come to an office, a small window in the sloped ceiling letting in natural light. A heavy desk sits facing the door, and a plaque hangs on the wall, a single syringe displayed like a trophy in the middle of the wood.
Howl starts to follow me in, but Dr. Yang shakes his head. “Operations has an assignment for you, Howl. Would you go over there now? I would like to talk to Sev alone.”
My friend stays in the doorway for a moment, pressing his lips together as he looks at the doctor.
Dr. Yang laughs. “We’re fine. She’s fine. I promise. No more miscommunications.”
A twinge of discomfort thrums through me when Howl doesn’t leave. But then he nods and turns back down into the hallway, closing the door after him. Dr. Yang opens his desk drawer, fiddling for a few minutes before placing a leather cord in front of me, a shard of red jade twinkling in the natural light. My stomach drops, and a wave of anger turns my cheeks hot. It’s the jade piece Mother gave me. The necklace that disappeared.
Before I can say anything, Dr. Yang reaches across the desk to touch my arm. “She took it when we left, so she could feel close to you.”
My voice is as cool as I can make it, though I’m sure the fury at what he’s saying bites through. Mother, wanting to feel close to me? How dare he? “Why am I here, Dr. Yang? Even Howl couldn’t make up an answer to that one.” He doesn’t stop me when I reach out and brush the cold jade with one finger, not sure if I can bring myself to pick it up. “You don’t usually let Sephs in here, do you?”
Dr. Yang smiles sadly, ignoring the offensive word. “Your mother was a good friend. I’ve been watching out for you as best I can. I’ve never regretted anything more than being too late to help your sister. Getting you out was the only way to save you this time.”
The necklace draws me toward it, my fingers tracing the smoothed edges, dead faces flicking through my brain. Aya, blood dripping into her open eyes as she lay in the City street. Father, burning under the Arch. “What did you want to talk about, then? My missed appointments in Yizhi? That Howl is convinced I should continue to miss them?”
“Howl has been living in a very stressful situation for a very long time. Can you imagine passing information about your own father? He’s paranoid. Worried he’s one wrong step, one wrong look away from a shot between the eyes.” Dr. Yang sits back in his chair. He takes a breath and lets it out slowly. “Be patient with him. Careful. I have high hopes for him.”
The anger simmering inside of me bounces from the necklace to this dismissal of Howl to the doctor’s calm assurance that everything he’s saying is true. Or that I’ll believe him, anyway. Could it be that Howl is just paranoid? I think about the way Howl stood in the doorway only a few moments ago, tension creased across his forehead. I know he doesn’t trust Dr. Yang, didn’t even when we were back in the City. Is that paranoia or a healthy attachment to life?
The thought curdles deep inside of me. Is my life, Howl’s life, on the line here the way it was back in the City?
Yang steeples his fingers atop his belly. “There is a way you can help, you know.”
“Help Howl?”
“Help me. Howl should recover.” He purses his lips, thinking. “This might sound like an odd request, but I need to know what your mother said to you when she came back. Right before the Circle took her. She went to see you first.”
The wave of anger turns into an ocean, a brutal storm. I may be here in the Mountain, but I don’t have to pretend my mother was some kind of god. And Dr. Yang pretending she was just makes me that much less interested in trusting him. “I was Asleep, remember?”
He nods, sitting forward to drum his fingers against the desk. “And you can’t recall anything from that time? Nothing at all?”
I remember her being there, relief at hearing my mother’s voice. I wanted to die rather than lie there any longer, unable to move or reach out, open my eyes. Listen to people speculate about whether or not I would wake up, unable to even wave the flies away when they crawled across my face. Mother brought a moment of peace in that awful prison, but her words are just a garbled mess. A broken record telling me everything is going to be okay over and over again. I look at Dr. Yang. “Nothing that would matter to you.”
The drumming fingers stop. “She and I were working on something very important when they put her to Sleep. I just wondered . . .”
He just wondered whether the last words she’d spoken to the child she’d tried to kill were about some science project? If some hypothesis would be her top priority on the way to poisoning half of the First Circle? Even if this project was more important to her than I was, as it clearly seemed . . .
Dr. Yang shakes his head and smiles at my incredulous look. “You’re right. Why would she tell you anything?” He stands and walks over to a water cooler, draining some water into a cup. “Would you like a drink?”
I shake my head.
“They’ve got you on Mantis, I take it?
“About that. Did I hear something about infected not being allowed in? I’m happy to be an exception, but—”
“We don’t have the resources to take in just anyone, Sev. I wish we did.” He removes his spectacles, rubbing his eyes. “How are you fitting in? Do you like the Menghu?” He speaks as though the conversation is already over. Just formalities to be played out, and he can’t be bothered to pay attention.
I brush some of the mud from my arms on to his pristine carpet, letting my thoughts run. Disconnected from everyone, everything. Helix trying to force me to go to Yizhi and the white coats that ghosted after me. My mother being dragged from my subconscious to writhe like a dying snake every time someone recognizes me. “Sure. Everything is fine.”
Dr. Yang glances toward the door. “I’ve asked Raj to take you down to Yizhi for those tests. Just immunizations and a blood draw to check to see what you brought in with you. In the interest of keeping everyone here safe, we need to know what we’re dealing with.” Something in his face is tight, the words too tidy and clean. He’s lying.
With those words, he confirms what I already knew but hoped wasn’t true. I’m not safe here. But I just don’t know why.
I grab the necklace and jump up. “I’d better go, then. My roommate Cale seemed like she might dismember me or something if I didn’t get it done.”
“Raj should be waiting out in the hall.” Dr. Yang smiles, gesturing to the door again. “Cale’s a delightful girl. You’ll do well with the Menghu.” He nods to himself and sits back down at the desk. “Your mother would be proud.”
CHAPTER 25