Steven jerks back to glare at me and it’s nearly impossible not to burst out laughing at his outrage.
“With you it was real nice.” I try to relax into him with a dreamy sigh, but he’s having none of it. He pushes me off his lap, his mouth twisting in a snarl.
“What a slutty thing to say.”
“What? Why?”
“You’re telling me about another guy’s dick? Are you kidding me?”
“But I said I like yours better! It was a compliment!”
“You shouldn’t even know the difference! But, oh, I forgot: you’ve had a few dozen inside you. You’re running a slut survey of the world.”
“Steven!” I make my chin shake. “Don’t be mean! I liked it, and I don’t always like it, so it was—”
“Oh, I’m being mean? You just threw some other man in my face the morning after we had sex. Do you think I wanted to know about that?”
“No. I—”
“Do you want to hear about my exes? Because my last girlfriend had a great rack. Way bigger than yours. And, yeah, she was skinnier than you too. Fucking hot.”
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Whatever.” He shoves his plate away and stalks to his bedroom to shower.
I lean against the table, laughing too hard to support my body weight. God, I hope he obsesses about my ex’s penis for days. Weeks.
I finish my breakfast and steal his bacon, then scrape the remains of his eggs into the trash. I leave the dirty plates in the sink to give him one more thing to chastise me about later.
He’s supposed to drop me off early so I can change clothes and put on makeup and still have time to get to work, but the shower keeps running and I figure he’s now aiming to make me late. Whatever. I’m not super worried about my thirty-day evaluation. In fact, it’s going to be very hard to drag myself into work today when all I want to do is watch the video of last night over and over again.
But I shouldn’t. Each time I watch I’ll hope for a different ending. I’ll hope for blood and guts and joyful vengeance, and all I’ll get is disappointment.
When Steven finally emerges to drive me home, I’m waiting with an insulated cup I found in the cupboard. “You didn’t get to drink your coffee.”
“Thanks.” He still seems surly about his size issues, but he accepts the coffee and off we go.
As we drive, I spy a small lake at the edge of his neighborhood and recognize a great chance to put the first step of my plan into action. “Is it too cold to go fishing right now?” I ask.
“It’s never too cold for fishing. If the lake freezes over, just drill a hole.”
“I’d love to go sometime. Your dad suggested a fishing trip.”
“Yeah. We could do that.”
I watch him for a moment, then reach out to touch his shoulder. “Steven? Can I go to the cabin with you this weekend if I promise not to tell your dad?”
His eyes widen with surprise. “You really want to go that much?”
“I want to be with you. And I think it would be romantic. No one needs to know.”
“If I take you, I won’t have a hunting partner.”
“I could hunt with you. I won’t make any noise or anything, I promise.”
“It seems like a bad idea. We’d be out in the woods all day. Where would you pee?”
I roll my eyes. “In the bushes. It’s not that hard.”
“I don’t know.”
“Pleeeease? You don’t have to take me out while you hunt if you don’t want to. I could just wait in the cabin for you.” I circle his biceps with my hands and lean in to kiss his neck. “I love you and I want to like everything you like. I promise I’ll make you happy you brought me.”
He chuckles at that. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You’ll be very, very glad. Cross my heart.” When I make the motion, his eyes fall to my breasts.
“Well, how can I pass that up?”
“Eee!” I kiss his cheek several times. “Can I go?”
“Can you be ready on Saturday morning bright and early?”
“Yes.”
“You’ll need to be all packed and ready to leave.”
“Got it. I’ll be ready. I promise.”
“Bring some sexy underwear.”
“You’re so bad.”
I feel better now. I have a plan and it’s easy as pie. Go to a cabin in the woods. Kill him in the forest. Cover it up.
I even have several choices for how to carry this out. I can make it look like I stayed in the cabin and he accidentally shot himself while hunting. I can pretend he was teaching me how to use the rifle and I accidentally fired and killed him. I can stab him and bury his body somewhere deep in the woods, then find a way to get back to the city and pretend I never left.
It’s an embarrassment of riches, really. So many possibilities.
It’s crystal clear to me now. I wanted to destroy his world without putting myself in too much danger. But he has to die. I can’t let him go on with his smug little life. Meg deserves more than that.
It’s settled. Now I’ll be able to enjoy last night’s video with no regrets.
But I’ll wait until after work. Probably.
CHAPTER 36
Luke’s little brother is having an impromptu dinner party, and Luke wants me to come. I don’t have time. I need to find some hunting gear at the secondhand store. I can afford to buy new, but I refuse to spend that much money on something so stupid. Plus, I really shouldn’t leave any trace of my purchases. Better to hit the Salvation Army and pay cash.
Really, there’s no point in me going to this party anyway. My fun with Luke is over. After this weekend I’ll need to play the worried or grieving girlfriend full-time for a few weeks before I move on. I have to be back in Malaysia in a month.
I like Luke. A lot. He’s great in bed and he makes me feel normal most of the time I’m with him. I’m not ready to give him up, but I have to.
Those are the reasons not to go to this party, but I still find myself saying yes. Have I mentioned that I’m bad at resisting my impulses?
In the hallway at work, I whisper to Steven that I can’t see him tonight because I need to find a coat and boots. He makes a joke about women and shopping. I leave the office at 5:30 and head straight for the store.
The selection isn’t great, but I find boots that almost fit and an ugly camouflage coat that is too large but more than warm enough for November. Good enough.
I put on tight jeans and a nearly sheer gray T-shirt, wind my hair into a tight bun, then accent it all with bright-red lipstick and diamond studs. I told Luke I’d meet him there at 7:30, so I call up a car on my phone and head downstairs.
By the time I arrive, I know Luke has been at his brother’s for a good half hour, but as soon as I get out of the car, he is on the front steps of the little bungalow so I don’t have to walk in by myself. He really is a good guy. It makes sense. That’s why he can’t see how bad I am.
I didn’t have time to find him another gift, and I desperately wish I had something more in my hands than the bottle of wine I brought for his brother. But even when I don’t present a gift, he seems happy to see me.
“You made it,” he says, tugging me into a quick, hot kiss before he reaches to open the door.
“Thank you for thinking of me.”
“Ha. I think about you too much, to be honest.”
I grin at the attention and give him one more kiss as a reward.
“You look beautiful,” he says.
“You have lipstick on your mouth.”
He laughs and swipes his mouth across the sleeve of his dark-blue shirt. “Totally worth it.”
Maybe he’ll miss me when I’m gone. That will be something nice to imagine when I’m alone in a sterile apartment somewhere. Without Meg in my life there’s no one who thinks about me, no one who wonders how I am.
Because I’m fine. I’m always fine. Not thrilled or anxious or joyful or heartbroken. Just fine. This grief is the most I’ve ever felt, and it will fade someday and I’ll be fine again and no one will worry. But maybe Luke will be out there somewhere missing me and I’ll be real for a few moments.