She lifted the beer bottle from the bar, bringing it to her lips, but before she could tilt her head back and take a sip I took the beer from her hand and placed it back on top of the bar.
“Dance with me?” I asked, swallowing hard trying not to sound so desperate. I may not be able to bring myself to speak what was on my mind and in my heart, but I could show her in other ways that I cared. It was a shitty consolation prize, but it’s all I had in me.
She paused a beat studying me before her lips curved into that sweet smile that seemed to own me. “Only if I get to pick the song.”
“Fair enough.” I said helping her off the stool and guiding her towards the jukebox. I dug into the pockets of my jeans and handed her a handful of quarters. She took them and flipped through the catalog of songs that the jukebox offered taking her time to select a song. I stared at her looking at her as if for the very first time trying to memorize everything about her.
A memory of the little girl I once thought of as a tagalong flashed through my mind reminding me that somewhere along the way she grew up to become the woman of my dreams. I wished I were the type of guy that deserved happiness that deserved someone like her in my life. I suddenly felt the urge to put my fist through something angry at the fact that the one thing I wanted more than anything was in arms reach and I still couldn’t reach out and take her.
She pointed to the screen of jukebox at the song she had chosen and I leaned forward, squinting to read the tiny lettering. The song was called If I Lose Myself by Corey Gray I had never heard this rendition of the song but I knew One Republic’s version. Something told me, Nikki was sending me a message by choosing this particular song for us and so when it started to play I played close attention to the words.
She took my hand and led me to the empty wooden dance floor. I wrapped my arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around my neck. She lifted her head, her eyes finding mine for a moment before laying her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and swayed along to the music listening as the song spoke of someone losing themselves to the person that was standing before them. The words of the song making me wonder if everything I’ve known my whole life to be about the heartache the loss the constant sense of feeling like I’m inadequate if I could just let it all go. Would I be a better man? Could I rise above the labels I had self-imposed?
My hands subconsciously began to caress Nikki’s back as we continued to dance just as her fingertips tapped against the back of my neck. She lifted her head from my shoulder, looking up at me like I was everything to her. The look in her eyes so fucking believable that I did what I thought I was incapable of and started to let go of the demons that haunted me. I brought one of my hands around lifting the back of my hand so that my knuckles softly caressing her cheek before I leaned down and brought my mouth to hers. I kissed her gently unlike all the times before when I was so desperate for her. This kiss was unhurried as I savored the moment my tongue gliding across hers sweeping through the recesses of her mouth touching every single crevice. Her lips were soft and full, her tongue still tangy from the lime and the tequila as she kissed me back following the rhythm I set.
I pulled back slowly watching as her eyes fluttered open and met mine. I didn’t know at which point of the song we had stopped dancing and simply stood in the center of the dance floor kissing or at what point Nikki had completely gutted me but both things did happen. I wanted her to ask me what the way to my heart was again because this time I had the answer I’d tell her all she had to do to win my heart was just be herself.
Just Nikki.
Everything she was everything she stood for was everything I wanted and needed to make me whole. She didn’t ask me though, and I didn’t offer chalking it up to it being best if I kept that to myself deciding I was doing her the ultimate favor by sparing her of me and my heart.
I held onto Mikey for balance as he opened the door to Aunt Gina’s house. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea to do all those shots, but I was desperate to make myself numb. I knew better than to try to drown my feelings in tequila yet still I opted for that over allowing myself to come to terms with what I was feeling for Mikey. I had only meant it as a joke when I had asked him what the way to his heart was but as the words slipped from my mouth I instantly wondered the answer to my question. I stared into his eyes and expected a real answer because in that moment I realized that he had already stolen my heart.