“Olympia . . .” He stopped talking when she touched her fingers to his mouth.
“Listen to me. I will love you forever but I want the whole man. I will not share him with the ghost of another woman or that living, breathing guilt that lives deep in your heart. Clean your heart, Brant. Shed that hair shirt you wear like some armor. Say good-bye to Faith and beg her forgiveness if that gives you ease, although I have never thought you had much to be forgiven for. Come to me when you are ready, when there is not such a weight on your heart, and I will marry you without hesitation.”
He watched her walk out of the room, unable to think of a thing to say to stop her. He was still sitting there when he heard the carriages pull away. Brant drank his wine, stood up, and left the house. For a moment he just stood on the side of the road staring blindly in the direction she had gone.
“I hope you are not thinking to take my carriage again,” said Orion as he stepped up to Brant’s side.
“It would do no good to chase her down,” Brant said. “She will not marry me.”
“Truly? I am surprised.”
“She said I have to come to her with a clean heart.” Brant could feel himself start to get angry.
“Ah, of course.”
He glared at Orion. “Of course? Of course? What does that mean? A clean heart? Did I not just offer it to her? Is that not enough to show it is hers? She speaks of ghosts and guilt and all and then leaves.”
“Did she refuse your marriage proposal completely or only for now?”
“Only for now. I am to clean my heart. Sister told me the same and damned if I know what they are talking about.”
“The past, m’lord. You are clinging to the past. As for guilt? Oh, yes, you carry a load that should have broken you by now. I have heard all about what you have endured and what your mother was. Time you fully accept that, with an enemy like that, sometimes one can only accept that nothing could have been changed. And sometimes, ugly as it is, Fate herself has a part. Your mother is at fault for all you suffered. No one else. That is what you have to accept. Cast aside the I-could-have, I-might-have, I-should-have thoughts and accept that it happened.”
“There are a lot of I-could-haves.”
“And there always are and always will be. But they are just guilt’s voice. It happened. Simple as that. It happened and you have done all you could to fix it. If it requires you to bleed yourself dry reliving every single thing you feel guilty about, do it. You will be the better for it for you will see that you weigh yourself down with unearned guilt. Then you can go and get your Olympia.”
Brant watched the man cross the street and climb into his carriage. Inside were Olympia’s street boys and he returned their waves. Brant wondered if Orion was nursing a few I-could-haves concerning how Giles had been treated. Then he realized the man probably was, but had the sense to shed them as useless.
“Clean my heart,” he muttered as he told his driver to take him home and climbed into his carriage. He had a faint idea of what needed to be done now but was not sure how successful he would be. If it was the only way to make Olympia legally his, however, he would work until he got it right. And then he would go and get her and she had better have meant it when she said she would marry him without hesitation for he would allow her none.
“Are you certain that was the right thing to do?” asked Enid as the carriage left the city and headed toward Myrtledowns.
Olympia sighed and rested her head back against the squabs. “Yes. It is. I thought it over and over and over. I know he loves me and that, by the way, is the most marvelous of feelings.” She smiled when Enid nodded. “But he is allowing guilt over so much to eat at him, day after day, and that will be a slow poison to whatever we might be able to share. He has to shed it.”
“I suppose you are right. In a way, it would be like having the ghost of some other woman in your bed. He is still tied to his Faith because of guilt.”
“Exactly. She will always be in his heart. I know that. I can accept that. But, because he will not accept that he did no wrong there, that he could not know that a vicar, her father and a highly respected man, would lie to him, he holds himself responsible for her death. That keeps her chained in his heart and makes it hard for me, for Ilar, for any children he and I could be blessed with, to find our place.
“And because the guilt appears to come from his inability to protect everyone close to him all the time and from everything,” she nodded in agreement with Enid’s scornful noise, “he could act in ways that slowly strangled the love I feel for him.”