I was a grimy, stinking mess when I finally admitted this to myself. I crawled behind a smelly dumpster and sobbed until my belly ached. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave him. At least I couldn’t do it without telling him how sorry I was.
The next morning, startled awake by yet another nightmare, I stood on shaking limbs and began my trek back north. It took me eleven days to reach Bakersfield and when I bumped into Derek, I just could not refuse his offer of a ride. I knew it was foolhardy, but I had to get to Zach. The need within me had grown desperate.
I slowed to a stop outside his house, the white door so familiar. I had walked through it for several study sessions in the little time we’d had together. His parents were so cool. I loved the warmth of his house, the comfort it provided. Sure, it did remind me of a sweet childhood that was snatched away from me in an act of brutality that left a gnarly scar on my soul. I had found that part unsettling, but it hadn’t been enough to stop me from coming back. I entered Zach’s world and fell in love with it
I wanted those feelings back, even though I didn’t deserve them.
Biting down hard on my bottom lip, I shuffled towards the door. My finger was shaking as I pressed the doorbell. I thought I might throw up as I waited for someone to answer the door. What if it was his parents? I ran my dirty fingers through my greasy hair and cringed. How was I going to explain myself?
I nearly left. I nearly turned and fled on my weak legs, but the door clicked and swung open to reveal the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
Zach.
Man, I’d forgotten how gorgeous he was. Those gentle eyes of his, that square jawline holding his perfect features in place. I wanted to touch him so bad, but knew I had no right. I squeezed my fingers together, trying to control myself.
I had to say something. He was bugging out big time.
“Hi, Zach.” The words barely made it out of my mouth.
He swallowed, gripping the door and just staring at me like I was an apparition.
“I um…” My voice was stumbling and tripping all over the place. Why hadn’t I rehearsed a speech or something? I was usually so prepared, but for one of the most important conversations in my life, I’d thought of nothing? I was such an idiot! I licked my bottom lip, buying precious seconds. “It’s been… Well…”
“What are you doing here, Dani?” His voice was just a little icy. Soft, but cold.
I winced.
He called me Dani.
Man, I had so much explaining to do.
I just had to get over myself and get on with it. I’m sure my heart stopped beating as my mouth opened, but the words finally began to flow.
“I know I don’t have any right to be standing at your door. There’s no apology big enough to make up for running away like that and there’s no apology big enough for coming back.” I grimaced. I knew what coming back could mean for him. Would he let me stay if he truly understood how much danger I was putting him in? If I loved him then I should turn and walk away, but I couldn’t. Now that I was this close to him, I wanted to launch myself into his arms and never let go.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” My chin trembled as I sucked in a breath. “I’m scared and running’s always kept me safe in the past. But it doesn’t seem to matter how far I go, I…you…” I paused, my lips quirking to the side. “You are impossible to run away from.”
It was true. He’d consumed my every thought from the second I grabbed my stuff and took off. I hadn’t been able to shake him, not even for one breath.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, hating how grimy it felt. He must think I looked disgusting right now. I repulsed myself! But I couldn’t think about that. I had to get through this. He could turn me away once I’d said my piece.
My insides hitched.
“I guess I just couldn’t live with…” I blinked, looking down to the ground. How was I supposed to get this out? What would make him forgive me for ditching him without so much as a goodbye?
One thought flickered through my brain and my immediate response was a resounding NO. Since my parents’ murder, I hadn’t whispered my name to a living soul. But this wasn’t just any living soul…this was Zach and if I was serious about being back, I needed to trust him…with all of me.
I huffed out a breath and went for it before I could change my mind.
“I never introduced myself to you properly.” I jerked out my hand like a robot and summoned every ounce of courage I possessed. “I’m Lucy Tate.”
There. I’d said it.
I’d finally told someone my real name.
It was one of the scariest things I’d done in the last five years. My hand quivered in the air as I waited. I felt like a guilty criminal in court. Zach was the judge and waiting for his response was pure torture. I couldn’t look at him. My eyes jerked to the ground and I was milliseconds away from dropping my hand and making a run for it when he stepped forward.