“I will ask it of my family. Now, if ye will kindly excuse me, it appears I have packing to do and fare-weels to give.”
He watched her walk out of the office and had to bite his lip to keep from calling her back. Brian did not think he would ever be able to forget her expression as he had so politely thanked her and wished her well. She had looked both devastated and furious.
For a moment he had almost leapt up to take her in his arms and try to soothe the pain he sensed he had inflicted. That would have been the greatest folly and he knew it. Once he had her in his arms he would not have been able to let her go. It was one reason he had not made love to her despite having been able to and wanting to for at least a sennight.
“I did the right thing,” he said aloud.
He poured himself a tankard of ale and wondered if he had enough so that he could just hide in this room and get stinking drunk until she was long gone. It could be the only way he stopped himself from running after her. Considering the way she had looked at him, if he did run after her, he would probably also have to get down on his knees and beg her forgiveness. Getting drunk was less painful.
Chapter 20
“What are ye doing?”
“Packing,” replied Arianna without looking at Fiona. “I am nearly done and then I will go and help my boys pack all their things.”
“May I ask why?” Fiona sat on the bed and watched Arianna fold a gown with far too much care.
“’Tis time to leave, or so I was told. Time to return to my family and the life that I deserve because I was born to it. Somehow my birth demands that I marry only certain men and live only in a type of untold luxury that my parents have ne’er enjoyed and ...”
Arianna grabbed the gown she had just packed and threw it across the room. That felt so good that she rapidly did the same with everything she had packed until all her clothing was scattered from one end of the room to the other. Cursing softly, she sat down on the bed and glared at the floor.
“Feel better?” Fiona asked as she pushed the saddle packs aside and moved closer to Arianna.
“Nay, not much, and now I shall have to do my packing all over again.”
“Brian told ye to leave, did he?”
Just hearing Fiona say it sent pain slicing through her heart, but Arianna nodded. “Aye. He thanked me kindly for how I cared for him but he is healed now and my family is anxious to see me. Told me how honored he was to help me and even said I could call for him again if I was in trouble. I told him I would just ask my family and left, saying something about needing to pack. Those things I was just saying are what I ken he was thinking, what he has said to a lot of people.”
“And do ye always do what he says?”
She looked at Fiona. “What choice do I have? He wants me gone, Fiona.”
“Nay, he doesnae. He is just doing what he thinks is right. Brian is far too aware of the fact that he is a younger son without land or much coin, a mon of one and thirty who has earned his knighthood yet still lives in his father’s house. Ye, Lady Arianna, are a verra high reach for such a mon.”
“So his pride will send me home? His pride will bar us from even trying to reach for more than an adventure and a few nights of passion? Why doesnae his pride tell him that he is good enough for me? What good is pride when ye are all alone?”
“None, but I think there is a wee bit more than that to it all. Ewan says Brian has seen a lot of sour marriages, ones made for land, title, or money, and has always said he would never marry for that. Mayhap he fears that is what everyone would think he was doing if he wed you. Worse, he might fear that even ye would begin to think so.”
“Why would he think I am so unable to ken what I want or what I can be content with? Aye, the way I let Claud and his kin treat me may have made me look weak, but I have certainly shown him o’er the last few weeks that I have a mind of my own and can make decisions. If he cannae see that after all the time we have spent together and all we have gone through, then how can I e’er make him see it?”
“Look at me. I am called Fiona of the ten knives and pulled a sword on my husband the first time I met him, yet he still tries now and then to make decisions for me. Men cannae help themselves. They often think they ken what is best for us without even asking. That is why we must occasionally let them ken, in the strongest way possible, that we have minds of our own and can make our own decisions about what is best for us.”
“I would have thought ye had all the MacFingals fully aware of that by now,” she said, and managed to share a brief smile with Fiona.
“I also think that, if ye just walk away now, ye will regret it for the rest of your life.”