He coughed, looking extremely uncomfortable. It was not a look she’d seen on him before. “You’ve never, uh, - ”
“No,” she smiled, slightly embarrassed herself. “They frowned upon that sort of thing at the convent.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Kane’s hand ran through his hair before he caught himself. “I thought maybe before...”
“No,” she shook her head. As the daughter of such a wealthy man her activities had been closely monitored, a precaution against those who would seek to use her against her father. Rebecca Harrison’s virtue had been as closely guarded as the rest of the family’s considerable assets.
Kane shook his head. “I’m really not the right person to be asking about this.”
“Who should I ask?” Rebecca countered with a wry grin. “Should I call up the convent and ask the sisters? Or maybe my brother? Because that wouldn’t be weird at all.”
Kane shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know. Maybe Taryn – no, not Taryn. Definitely not Nicki. Lexi, maybe. Or Maggie. Yeah, Maggie’d be a good one to talk to about ... that.”
“I want to know what you think,” she insisted, feeling a bit bolder than usual. She felt more in tune with Kane than she’d felt with anyone else. Like her, he seemed to be just a step off from everyone else. Like her, he’d seen the best and worst of humanity. And, like her, he seemed to give each day the importance it deserved as if he, too, fully recognized that it might be his last.
She wanted his thoughts, because she felt they would most closely align with her own.
If she was totally honest with herself, though, she would admit that it was perhaps more than mere curiosity. Maybe it was also a gentle nudge, a small test to see if there was any chance he was as interested in something more with her as she was with him.
Rebecca had wanted to wait until she found the right man, until it was the right time. Being alone with Kane, isolated in the mountains, with him lounging like a perfect panther and staring at her with those penetrating blue eyes, it felt right on both accounts.
She was falling in love with him. No, that wasn’t right. She had already fallen, hard and fast. It had happened without her knowledge, without her consent. She didn’t think he knew; she had done her best to keep things casual and light, conscientiously ensuring she never did anything to push him away. Rebecca could be content to keep things as they were. It wouldn’t be her first choice, but she could do it if she had to. If there was even the slightest chance, however, she would take it in a heartbeat.
Kane shifted again. As was his way, he took a long time considering before he answered. “Sex can be beautiful, I think,” he finally said, his words slow and spoken with carefully measured tones, “with the right person. Otherwise, it is something fleeting and purely physical. Like scratching an itch. Instant relief, but nothing lingering.”
She considered this, tucking her legs up a little farther beneath her. Her eyes were thoughtful as she gazed into the flames for several minutes. Finally she looked back to him. “Is it difficult to abstain?”
He raised his eyebrows, obviously surprised by her question. “I would think you could answer that one yourself.”
She gave a slight wave of dismissal. “I don’t count,” she countered. “You can’t miss what you’ve never had.” But you could crave it. You could dream of it. You could lie awake for hours at night, longing for it.
Kane leaned forward slightly. “And what makes you think I abstain?”
Rebecca dropped her gaze immediately. What the hell had she been thinking, asking him that? Her cheeks flamed hot, and she knew that if she looked into a mirror at that moment they would be crimson.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed...” Embarrassment rushed in, overwhelming her earlier boldness. She had assumed he was uninvolved, but maybe that was only because she wanted him to be. He didn’t have a steady girlfriend – she was sure of that – but maybe there was someone he went to, someone to satisfy his physical needs. To scratch his itch. He was a strong, potent man.
She’d been a fool to hope he’d spend his nights romanticizing about her. And the fact that he had made absolutely no move to do anything non-platonic with her should have told her everything she needed to know.
And once again, she’d pushed him too far, overstepped the heavily bolded, clearly defined line between them.
Kane ran his hand through his hair again. “Jesus, I knew talking about this was a bad idea.”
“I’m sorry.” She bit her lip and turned her eyes back to the fire.
*