“No, you and your precinct pals got bad guys off the street. I lost my U/C operation and offed my marriage. For nothing.”
“What did you do after I left you?”
Died inside. But she didn’t need to hear self-pity loser shit from him now. “Higher-ups said I had to be off the streets for a while, until things settled. So, I mostly stayed at home and went to hell.”
He had never seen her chew her nails before but her thumb edged between her teeth. “Did you get into drugs?”
Complete honesty, Lucca. “Undercover, I snorted a few times. I tried to stay clear but there were moments.”
He leaned in until she was forced to glance at him. “I didn’t get hooked. It was the alcohol and guilt that did me in for a time. I just tipped the bottle back and tried to drown out everything else.”
“Including me?”
“Especially you.”
“What changed us?” Cole dipped her head. “Was it me?”
“God, no. Gabe happened.”
Cole nodded. “You were close, like me and Becca. It really hurt you when he died. I understood that.”
“Not even close.” Scott raked a hand through his hair. “Sure, I loved my brother. Everybody looooved Gabe.” The emotion in his voice pushed him away from the wall. “But the truth is, more than half the time I hated his guts.”
Cole turned around, her face animated with surprise.
Scott’s face was tight with cold, hard emotion. “That’s right. I hated him.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“Didn’t expect that, did you?”
Scott moved away from her shocked expression.
“You have no idea what it was like to grow up with Gabe for an older brother. Dad never spoke about him without a catch of pride in his throat. Gabe went to military school and won wrestling championships. He aced the ASVAB and got into the Naval Academy. He was chosen for Navy SEALS as a freshman. It was like living with fucking Captain America. Nothing I ever did could equal anything Gabe did.”
Cole didn’t say a word. Instead, she sat down on the bed, and waited.
Scott paced as he talked. “I tried to be like Gabe but I didn’t have his endurance or his daring. Dad could see that early. By the time I was twelve, he was discouraging me from following in Gabe’s footsteps. Said I was more academic. I’d make a good lawyer or doctor. I finished college in prelaw to please my dad, but then I enlisted in the army. I made Ranger but Gabe never let me forget that, as far as a SEAL was concerned, it was second-best.”
Scott paused and stared at the wall. That was a hard admission for him, harder than facing his father’s disappointment when he left the service to join law enforcement.
He shook off that memory with a physical roll of his shoulders.
“When we met, I was a D.C. SWAT. You were right. I loved that shit, the power and status and the knowing that not just the bad guys but the general public took a respectful approach when we SWAT guys were around. Even Gabe was impressed. It was the only time I’d ever felt good about myself.” He glanced at her. “Until you.”
Cole sighed. “The night we met, I was surprised you even noticed me.”
“I couldn’t not look at you. Your eyes were wide open and they were full of me. Not my badge or my status. You didn’t know what I was. You weren’t a badge bunny or a woman on the prowl. You were this serious cute chick, and you wanted me. I was flattered as hell.”
Cole smiled for the first time. “I was impressed as anything.”
“After we married I thought I didn’t care anymore what any of my family thought. Not even Gabe. Let him have the glory. I had my own family. My own place. The best part was you were Blue, too. You knew and understood my life. We were a team.”
“You never told me any of this before.”
He hunched a shoulder. “That’s because I knew how it would sound. I wasn’t as good as Gabe. Everyone walking knew that. Why would I point it out to the one person who thought I was—” He stopped short. He no longer had the right to own that.
“The person who thought you were everything?” A flicker of humor brightened her gaze.
He nodded, his chest burning with emotion he dare not release.
“Scott, do you want to know my opinion of Gabe?”
“I’m sure I can guess.”
“I thought he was a gorgeous self-absorbed prick.”
It was Scott’s turn to register complete surprise.
“Oh, Gabe was charming, when he wanted to be. But he could be ruthless, too. He never let an opportunity to belittle or embarrass you slide. He went out of his way when I was around to show you up.” She shrugged. “I wanted to slug him that day he broke your thumb. He cheated to win at arm wrestling.”
Scott let her words circle until they found landing sites in his thoughts. “You never said any of this before.”
“How could I? You and your parents were so in love with Gabe’s image of himself. I couldn’t come in, an outsider, and start trashing your family’s attitudes. I wasn’t even sure they liked me all that much, in the beginning.”