Katherine hated to admit that every time there was a noise, she ran to the windows and plastered her face against the glass hoping in vain that it would be Benedict's curricle outside, meaning he had come to call again.
After rejecting him again this morning when all the lovely books arrived, she hadn't the heart to do it again.
Granted, she was hurt, upset, and at the most ridiculous moments felt that she would burst into tears.
Could she trust him with her heart? He had said as much. He had promised they would marry and be happy.
But he hadn't promised fidelity. Nor had he fully explained his situations with the many mistresses.
Then again, it was natural that he would have done some horrendous things a gentle bred lady wouldn't hear about. After all, he hadn't just obtained his nickname from all his many scandals and running around his house in the nude.
The question that burned at the back of her mind was… what if? What if he was to change? What if he wanted to change? What if he was trying?
Yet, it seemed so foolish. Surely every girl thought such things when wanting to reform a rake of the first order. Every girl wanted to be the girl who was so special she would change the devil into an angel. And she wasn't so certain she was pretty enough or exciting enough to hold his attention.
The knocker on the door announced another visitor. With great self-control she managed to sit and pretend to read one of the many novels Benedict had given her, when the door to the sitting room opened, and Benedict was announced.
She slowly put the book down. Benedict's face lit up, a smile broke out across his features, and in two strides she was in his arms, being pressed against the wall with such force she was sure her form would be permanently glued to the wallpaper. His kiss was hungry yet affectionate, as he parted her lips with his tongue and caressed her face with his hands.
Her butler cleared his throat, causing Benedict to stop, and place her once again to rights. With a few choice words, he walked to the door, shooed her butler out and turned the lock.
"I have to say something."
Katherine fumbled with her hair, averting her eyes. If she didn't look directly at him, perhaps she could be stronger and not cry.
"I'm not sorry."
Well, that was a lousy start.
She opened her mouth to speak, but he continued.
"To be sorry seems too easy. You make a hash of things and say you're sorry, but the value of that person's apology is measured against their past indiscretions. So then you ask yourself, is that person sorry for their actions or merely sorry they had to deal with the consequences of getting caught?" Benedict laughed. "I think my entire life I've been blind. I've always felt fulfilled, never truly guilty over my actions. I boasted in my debauchery and rejoiced in the power it gave me. Until recently, I would have been merely sorry I was caught."
"And now?" Katherine asked timidly.
"Now?" He laughed bitterly. "Now I'm so blasted ashamed of myself, I want to ask the first man I see to shoot me."
"Or woman?" she volunteered.
"Yes." He laughed outright. "Or woman. The thing of it is I have lived selfishly from amusement to amusement, never truly realizing how hollow my existence was. Until I met you, that is. Before you, I was perfectly happy."
Katherine stiffened. Splendid, so now she was the reason for his discontent?
"Don't take offense. I compare my prior existence to a man living in a thundercloud, until one day the clouds disappear and the most beautiful sun begins to shine light on everything. What was once acceptable in the dark, even glorified, is no longer beautiful, but ugly and distasteful. The things that seemed to be important were merely shadows, faded into my old life. I would do anything to stay in your sunlight. I would give my very soul to be your center of gravity." Benedict approached her, his trembling hand reaching out to touch her face. She closed her eyes. "So I wish to tell you, I know the true meaning of being sorry. I will not be that man, because you see, I no longer am him. I am someone new because the sun now shines. Tell me, Katherine. Tell me the sun will stay. Tell me the sun will bring light."
"I lov—"
"Open this door immediately!" a man's voice shouted.
Benedict cursed and walked slowly to the door and unlocked it.
Paisley burst in.
"It's Agatha, we have to go, now!" Paisley grabbed Benedict and ushered him out before Katherine could finish what she was saying. Without as much of a word to anyone, she grabbed her pelisse and reticule and followed them out of the house.
She had no idea by the time they arrived they would be too late.
Nor had she quite understood the depth of anguish a man would face when his last remaining relative save his cousin, was taken from the world.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back