“Don’t leave,” I said again.
“I won’t. I’ll stay,” he said, and at that point, he took off his jeans and shirt and got under the covers beside me. It would be the only time we ever shared a bed, but nothing about it felt awkward, not even when he rolled over in the middle of the night and put his arm around me. It only felt warm, comforting, safe.
Until just before dawn, when my bedroom door opened and Will walked in. He took one look at us and announced, in no uncertain terms, that he and I were done.
chapter ten
MEREDITH
For days following Josie’s announcement, I find myself trying to pinpoint exactly why I’m so angry with her. Yes, I think her plan is ill-advised, half-assed, and selfish. And yes, I think that her child will, at some point and in some manner, become my burden and responsibility. But deep down, I also believe that Josie is right—that is what family is for, to help and support one another. And I truly do want my sister to experience the awe of motherhood. So why can’t I just get on board, wish her good luck, and be happy for her?
One night, as Nolan and I are getting ready for bed, I pose the question to him, bracing myself for an answer I might not like. He’s been surprisingly quiet on the topic, perhaps because he doesn’t want to tell me that he’s actually on her side. “Why do you think I’m so pissed off at her?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he says, rinsing his toothbrush, then tapping it on the edge of the sink. “You know I don’t understand your relationship with your sister….”
I put on my oldest, most comfortable, and perhaps least attractive nightgown. “Do you think I was too harsh?” I ask.
Nolan gives me a sheepish look, shrugs, and says, “Yeah. Maybe a little…You went into attack mode pretty quickly.”
I know he’s probably right, but still resent his answer.
“Can’t you see that she just wants what you have?” he continues.
I sigh, thinking that this is how my mother always paints things. How they both insist that Josie’s jealous of me.
“I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy that,” I say.
“Well, regardless. Can’t you roll with it?” he says, undressing down to his boxers.
“Roll with her having a baby?” I pick up his clothes from the closet floor, where he always leaves them, then drop them into the hamper.
“No, roll with her announcement. Humor her….For one thing, the chances are only about fifty-fifty that she actually goes through with it. At best.”
“You really think so?” I ask, feeling mostly hopeful that he’s right, but also an unexpected dash of disappointment, perhaps because I do realize that being an aunt is more fun than being a mother.
“Well, let’s think about this,” Nolan says. “Did she get the PhD or master’s she’s always talking about?”
I shake my head.
“And remember her big plan to move to California?” he asks, walking into the bedroom.
“Yeah,” I say, following him.
“Never happened…And what about the fact that she pays rent every month when she’s talked for years about buying a place?…Enough examples?”
I smile and tell him I’d like one more, please.
“Okay. How about Will Carlisle? She certainly didn’t close the deal there, did she?” he asks, as we stand on our sides of the bed and pull down the covers.
“No,” I say. “She certainly did not.”
“I’m glad I closed the deal with you,” he says with a wink before climbing into bed.
I smile, then get in next to him, both of us reaching up to turn off our bedside lamps. He gives me a quick kiss on the lips, then rolls over, dropping his head to his feather pillow, while I do the same on my hypoallergenic one.
“Good night, Mere,” he says, his back to me.
“Good night, Nolan,” I say, relieved he doesn’t want to have sex tonight. I wonder if he’s tired of being turned down or simply too tired, and hope it’s the latter. I try to recall the last time I initiated but can’t. It’s been that long. I feel a pang of guilt, commingled with worry, but tell myself this is all very normal, happening all over town. “I love you,” I add.
“Love you, too,” he says, his voice muffled.