Our only moment of silence came as we passed Grady Hospital. Neither of us said Daniel’s name out loud, though it hung in the air anyway.
When we got to the intersection at West Paces Ferry, he pointed to the OK Cafe. “Remember the night we went there?” he asked, as if we had shared countless dinners alone together.
“Of course,” I said.
“Can you believe it’s been almost seven years?” he asked, lowering his voice, staring intently at the road.
“No. I really can’t,” I said, feeling a stab of pain in my chest. “He’s missed so many things.”
“I know. A lot has changed. You’ve changed….I can’t believe I haven’t seen you on any of your trips home,” he said, as he slowed for a yellow light he could have easily made. I had the feeling he was stalling, prolonging our time together.
“I don’t come home that often,” I said, thinking of all the times I’d found an excuse to stay at school or work.
He looked at me sideways, his expression suddenly changing from mournful to playful. “Little drama student turned big city hotshot lawyer.”
“Nothing hotshot about my job,” I said, which was the truth.
“Those heels you’re wearing would say otherwise,” Nolan said, glancing down at my shoes. “They’re nice….Nice legs, too.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling out my window.
“You know…I’d heard that you’d…blossomed.”
“Who told you that?” I said, basking in the compliment.
“Just the word around town,” he said, shaking his head. “Smart, successful, and beautiful.”
I nearly pointed out that he was confusing vigilant grooming, compulsive exercising, and general Manhattan polish with true beauty, but decided not to correct him.
A few minutes later, he was pulling up to my childhood home, where my mother still lived. Josie’s car was in the driveway, and I anticipated a long night of counseling her through the Will crisis.
“Hey, Meredith?” he said as I was getting out of the car.
I looked back at him, feeling an ancient twinge of attraction and residual adolescent hero worship. “Yeah, Nolan?”
“I know you’re here to visit your family…but do you think I could I take you out while you’re home?”
“You mean, like to the OK Cafe?” I asked with a trace of coyness.
“No. Like on a real date.” He cracked his knuckles and shifted in his seat to get a better look at me. “Assuming you think Daniel would be all right with it? He had a pretty strict don’t-date-my-sister rule back in the day.”
I stared into his eyes, my stomach fluttering a little. “Yeah. I know he did…but that was really more about Josie,” I said with a smile, thinking that she was the one Daniel’s friends wanted to ask out. “And besides…I think he’d make an exception for us.” I was sealing our fate, although I didn’t yet know it.
—
WHEN WE TELL “our story,” we always start there, on that night, with the surprise of seeing him at the airport and that innocent lift home. Nolan always brings up my heels—and I laugh and say it was a good thing I’d forgotten to put a pair of flats in my carry-on. We talk about how nice it was to see each other, how we picked up exactly where we’d left off years before.
At this point, we fast-forward past our first date. How we went to dinner at the Lobster Bar, caught a buzz, then returned to his condo, where we drank more wine, then got into his unmade bed, and had sex. If we were to share that part of the story, I’m sure we’d say that it had been a long time coming, that it felt preordained. But in reality, it just sort of shockingly and quickly happened. It wasn’t like me to have a one-night stand, and in the intimate aftermath, my head on Nolan’s chest, I told him as much.
“Well,” he said, stroking my hair, “you can’t really have a one-night stand with someone you’ve known your whole life….And besides, who said it was only going to be one time?”
I laughed, then confessed my ancient crush, the way I’d felt that night in my brother’s room. He pretended to be surprised, then told me he’d felt something, too.
I rolled over, pushed up on my elbows, and looked into his eyes. “Did you really?” I wasn’t sure why it mattered to me at this point, but for some reason, it did.
He nodded. “Yeah. I felt really close to you that whole night.”
“Because of Daniel? Or something else?”
He looked thoughtful and then said, “Yes. Because of Daniel. But not only that. After all, I’m not in bed with Josie, now, am I?”
“No,” I said, smiling at him. “You’re most certainly not.”
I resisted asking him if he had ever been attracted to her because I guessed that the answer was probably yes.
“Are you going to tell her about this?” he asked, sounding tentative.
I told him no, that I wanted it to be our secret.
“Okay,” he said earnestly. “Whatever you want.”