I couldn’t handle it at all.
I didn’t care that Flint had more than shown that I belonged to him, that he was proud to have me on his arm. And I didn’t care that he would never in a million years have Eliza as anything more than a sister-in-law. I knew how he felt, and that was more than enough to shatter whatever childish dreams I had invented and replayed every single minute of every single day.
Watching him breathe so deeply, as if he could inhale her. That was mine. And if I’d had to witness the branding blaze of his eyes when he opened them, I would have more than self-destructed.
Thankfully, Quarry chose that exact moment to offer me an escape.
“Ash!” he yelled from several yards away. He was waving his hands and pointing at the clown making balloon animals for the kids. “Told you!”
“Excuse me,” I addressed the group, and then I hurriedly clomped away.
The one fucking day I wore heels, I had to march across what might as well have been a football field of grass. Although I only actually marched for about three steps before my ankle rolled and sent me crashing to the ground.
“Ash!” Flint shouted, chasing after me.
“Fuck,” I hissed, quickly pushing back to my feet and wiping the dirt from my dress. “I’m good,” I said with a smile that should have won me a goddamned Oscar nomination.
“Stop,” Flint said, taking my wrist.
“Stop what?” I snapped, trying to pull it from his grasp.
“Getting upset.”
I looked up to find a group of people curiously watching us, so I pasted on a grin and replied, “Don’t be silly. I’m just going to see the clown.”
Flint didn’t buy it for even a second.
Before I could utter another excuse, his arm folded around my hips and dragged me down onto his lap. “I swear to God, Ash. I will not have this conversation with you out here on the lawn, but you will not fucking run away without allowing me to explain, either. So you have two choices. You follow me inside and talk to me. Or I will tie you to this chair and carry you inside to talk to me. One is tedious, time consuming, and embarrassing. But I am more than willing to give it a go for you.”
“What the hell? You got a spool of rope in your pocket?” I snarked.
“I have a belt,” he retorted.
Normally, I would have sassed back, but I could tell by the determination in his eyes that he wasn’t kidding. While being tied to Flint didn’t seem like a bad option at all, I decided against the embarrassment factor.
“Lead the way,” I bit out, pushing myself off his lap.
He nodded toward the huge house. “After you.”
I walked a little more carefully through the grass, smiling as we passed the onlookers.
“I’m gonna take Ash inside to get cleaned up,” Flint called out, following closely behind me.
Instead of going to the front door, he directed me around back toward a long ramp that led inside. A huge room nicer than anything I had ever seen greeted me on the other side of the automatic door. Everything was new, and there was more than enough space for Flint’s wheelchair to maneuver around. It was obvious, based on the empty bookshelves that lined the walls, that it used to be his room. He must have had it really bad to be willing to leave that place in exchange for his tiny apartment.
Yeah, bad . . . In love with her.
“Talk,” he demanded as I continued to take in the room and expansive connecting bathroom.
“I don’t have anything to say.” It was both a truth and a lie. I had tons to say, but the thoughts and feelings were so jumbled in my head that I couldn’t pinpoint where to start.
“Ash, don’t do this. I know that made you uncomfortable out there.”
“Maybe just for a minute. I’m okay now.” Now that was definitely a lie.
“Liar,” he whispered, stopping in front of me and taking my hand. “You don’t have to be jealous of her.” He kissed my knuckle.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied without meeting his gaze. “Come on. Let’s go back out. I’ve never seen an actual clown before.”
“Wait. Look at me.”
My traitorous eyes followed his order.
“I shouldn’t have told you what I did about her. It’s not a big deal anymore.”
And with that, all of my thoughts finally aligned.
And they were pissed.
“How exactly is it not a big deal that you’re in love with her? Because it’s a really big freaking deal to me!” I snapped with entirely more attitude than I had anticipated.
“Listen to me. It doesn’t matter anymore—”
“It matters to me!” I shouted before closing my eyes, wishing I could magically transport myself out of there. Although I wasn’t sure where I would go, because the only place I truly belonged was sitting in front of me. “I love you,” I admitted with my eyes still squeezed shut. I’d wanted to say it, but I didn’t want to see the absence in his own eyes when he was unable to return the sentiment.