“No, nothing like that,” I reassure her. “He was good, really good. But I just don’t know how to keep my distance, from getting too attached I mean. I don’t want to feel rejected every time I have to leave his apartment.”
“Ah, Victoria, I know it’s hard. I can’t make up your mind for you, sweetie,” she says gently. “All I can do is tell you what I think. You have to decide if it’s something you want to try. I don’t know this guy, he could be great, but I just want you to be careful. I don’t want you going back down the same path as before with men. Letting them treat you like shit. It’s one thing to dominate you in the bedroom, but he better treat you like a princess everywhere else.”
I sink back into the couch, trying to digest her words.
“As for the emotional stuff,” Alanna continues, “sometimes you can’t shut it off. You are just such a caring person. But you also need to make sure that whatever guy you give your love to is actually worthy of it. I don’t want you to put yourself in another situation that could be traumatic for you in any way. After that whole ordeal with that fucker Chris, I don’t ever want to see you with someone like that again.”
I glance up at her, noticing her open disdain as she mentions my ex-boyfriend. Well, I don’t know if I could even call him that. He was the guy I was madly in love with for years. He was more or less the man who used me for sex whenever one of us was passing through. He definitely didn’t love me, and it took me a lot of heartbreak to finally accept it.
“Chris wasn’t a bad guy, he just had problems. Anyway, I’ve moved on from that. Why do you think Gabriel would be like him?” I ask nervously.
Alanna gives me a sympathetic smile and reaches for my hand. “I don’t. Honestly, I don’t even know the guy. I’m just trying to look out for you. So are you sure you liked what you tried today and weren’t just doing it to appease him?”
“No, it definitely wasn’t like that.” I shake my head. “I mean, it’s kind of weird, but I like the way he talks to me. So blunt and open about what he wants. Even though he infuriates me sometimes, it’s kind of hot when he talks to me that way. But at the same time it kind of feels wrong. I mean, I don’t know I just feel torn.”
“Toto, being dominated isn’t wrong if you enjoy it. It’s nothing like what you went through, I promise you that. It took me a long time to realize that too. As long as it’s with the right person, and they know what they’re doing. But you have to be able to trust that person, and to relinquish control. Some women really like it, and some couldn’t wrap their heads around it if they tried. I personally love it when I find a man who takes control… in the bedroom, I mean.”
“I’m so lucky to have such a sexually adventurous friend.” I tease. “I mean who else would I turn to with these kinds of questions?”
Alanna laughs in response. “I know right?”
“Well, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do tonight. But I don’t think you have to worry about Gabriel. He doesn’t seem like the typical assholes I attract, just a kinky one.”
“And mega rich,” she adds. “And hot to boot.”
I roll my eyes, and Alanna takes it in stride.
“Listen, Toto, if you want to try it with him, just remember you don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know. But I’m still in shock that I’m just now finding out that you like to be dominated.” I smirk. “I have all sorts of crazy images running through my head now, images I never wanted to see.”
“You would say that.” She giggles. “Maybe I’m a little fucked up in the head too, but I enjoy it.”
I relax back into the couch for a moment, lost in thought when the doorbell rings. Alanna pays the delivery man and then lays out an impressive carb-laden spread of Chinese comfort food. I spend the day in my pajamas watching Gilmore Girls and then watch as Alanna happily skips off to another date later that evening.
I haven’t heard anything from Gabriel, and I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m disappointed. I try to remind myself over and over this is supposed to be casual. But at this point, I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Not with him anyway.
I have an important decision to make, and I decide that I need to do some research of my own. I need a better understanding of what kind of man Gabriel is. I sit down on my bed and fire up my laptop, taking a nervous breath as I type his name into Google. For the next forty-five minutes, I mill through gossip blogs, photos, and news articles. By the end, I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Looking at the women he’s dated in the past-famous models and actresses-I feel even worse than before.
In my heart, I know I can’t do this. I’m already feeling too emotionally invested. It shouldn’t be this complicated just to have sex. And I know if I go through with it, somehow I’ll end up getting hurt.
While my mind is clear and focused, I grab my phone and punch in his number. I fumble with the keys as I type out the message.
I’m sorry, but I can’t meet you again.