My heart melts at the expression on his face. This is a whole new side of Gabriel Maddox. One that I’m sure not everyone gets to see, but he is letting me in, and I know that’s huge for him.
“They usually liked to send us off to expensive summer camps,” he continues. “So they could have their fun without us. Anyway, they were stuck with us this time, so we went sailing for about a week. Parker loved it. Well, I guess we all did. When you’re young you sort of want those kinds of memories with your family. For one week, we all had fun together. Dad taught us how to sail, and mom mostly sunbathed… but it was good.”
“It sounds nice,” I murmur, squeezing his hand and encouraging him to continue.
“When we got back home, we begged them to take us again sometime. Especially Parker, he wouldn’t relent. We all found it hilarious at the time, but they never did take us on a vacation with them again. I guess they thought their time together was more precious.”
His tone takes on a bitter edge, and the resentment inside of him is palpable. I never noticed it before, but it’s clear as day now. And I realize, this probably has a lot to do with the front he puts up for everyone.
“Anyway, back to my point,” he says distractedly. “That’s why we all get together on April 1st every year. To pretend we are one big happy family for Parker’s sake. It’s how my parents say they will remember him. Because I guess it’s easier for them that way. But, truthfully, I dread it every year. Pretending to be something we aren’t. And I know Parker would have hated it too. He would have much rather had us just be ourselves.”
I feel a sharp twinge of pain in my stomach, knowing exactly what it’s like to lose someone important. I clear my throat nervously, trying not to sound choked up as I speak. It’s nearly impossible, though, listening to him, feeling everything he feels.
“What happened to Parker?”
Gabriel shifts beside me, his eyes going cold as he regards me intently. He looks… well… angry. And that was not my intention at all. I bide my time, thinking of what I should say or do. And then he speaks, but it isn’t anger in his voice. It’s raw and pure grief.
“Parker committed suicide. When he was nineteen.”
I choke back the tears that are too close to falling. “Gabriel, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”
He relaxes beneath me, stroking my hair in a comforting gesture. I’m not sure who it’s comforting more, but I’m thankful nonetheless.
“Parker was the oldest out of all of us, the firstborn. He was smart and outgoing, and ridiculously funny. He could always make you smile, even when you didn’t feel like it. But I guess deep down, he was also the most sensitive. He took things to heart and bottled them up inside. He was the one who struggled the most with our parents. They couldn’t understand that he was acting out in order to get their attention. My mom especially isn’t very maternal. I don’t know why she even had four kids… I guess it looked good to everyone on the outside.”
I curl in closer to him, losing myself in his deep voice as he unburdens himself.
“Parker started acting out a lot when he was in high school. Getting into trouble… drinking, partying, embarrassing them. My mother hated it. She always wanted everything in a neat little box, and when it didn’t fit, she couldn’t stand it. She sent Parker away to boarding schools, wilderness camps, that sort of thing. He always managed to get kicked out or run away. He just wanted to be home with us. But she was insistent that she was going to punish him. My Dad went along with it like he always does. And when Parker turned eighteen, they kicked him out. They told us they were going to give him some tough love. By cutting him off from all of us.”
“That’s horrible,” I choke out. “Your poor brother must have been so scared.”
“I guess they thought he would come around to their way of thinking eventually,” he continues. “I hated them for it because I knew how Parker was. He needed us, he needed his family. But he never came back and I couldn’t figure out why. I went looking for him every day after school. For months, I looked everywhere. And then one night, I finally found him, sleeping on a cardboard box in front of the homeless Shelter. He was dirty and gaunt, track marks up and down his arms. I didn’t recognize him at all until he spoke.”
Gabriel’s chest trembles as he holds in his feelings, his eyes squeezing shut. I wrap my arms around him, melding us together as I try to hold back my own emotions.
“I tried to talk to him, but he was angry that I found him. That I saw him that way. He was my big brother, and I always looked up to him. We were the closest out of all of us. He told me to stay away from him, that he was a piece of garbage, just like mom and dad said. They’d actually made him believe that.”