“You really will keep me in here won’t you?”
“I think you know where I stand when it comes to my threats.” He leaned forward again submerging his fingers beneath the water, I tensed at the first touch and then relaxed as a slow rhythm built within my body, images of her, images of him, images of everything flashed in my mind. One last touch.
One last vision of them holding hands.
In bed.
Married.
“I hate her!” I yelled slamming my hands against the water. “I hate that she ruined this! I hate that she left me! She abandoned me! My best friend! She lied to me! She betrayed me!” My voice was going hoarse. “And she had you!” I sobbed. “She had you, all of you! And I get the pieces! I don’t want the pieces, I know I said I’d try to make you happy and I’d work to make everything okay but I can’t function that way, I tried, and I can’t do that. I can’t live in constant comparison with a girl that up until today used to be my idea of perfection! You were married to the perfect girl, and now you have me, and I’m angry, so angry, that selfishly I hate being second best. I want to be first, Sergio. You were my first and….”
His mouth fused against mine as he gripped my body and pulled me against him, water spilled out onto the floor as his frenzied kiss had my arms flying around his neck, my legs fighting to wrap around his body as fast as I possibly could.
With one hand holding me, and the other pushing against the tub he stood and took a step out of the tub, pulling me with him, he didn’t let go as he pushed my body up against the tile wall and slid into me.
It was painful at first and then, my world split into two, like I was watching myself get completely taken by this man, this man that I was falling for, this man that I could love, this man that I wanted to love, this broken man.
He thrust his hips slowly, painfully slow, and then dug his hands into my flesh as he angled my body down onto him, his eyes locked on me, and I was lost, completely without armor as I let him see how I felt about him, allowed him in, his mouth found mine again.
And I knew that I was a liar.
I would take the pieces.
I would search for them.
I would keep them close.
I would mend them back together.
I would cut myself on them when he hurt me.
And the process of scattering them would repeat.
Only for me to collect the pieces all over again and continue the torturous cycle of being Sergio Abandonato’s wife — of being second.
Muscles bulged as he reared back, his eyes wild, like every ounce of control he’d held onto was slipping.
“Please,” I whispered.
I needed him, all of him, just this once. I lied again, because I’d always want all of him.
“Yes,” he hissed, punishing me with a harsh kiss only to thrust deeper, harder, until I thought I was going to pass out from the intensity of the feeling.
I clenched around him, holding on for dear life as my body collapsed against his, completely worn out, the tension in his shoulders released, still connected he kissed me tenderly and whispered, “I vow to never make love to you…”
My breath caught as anxiety built up.
“Where I made love to her.”
I sagged in relief.
“Val.” He kissed me again and again. “You aren’t her. I don’t want you to be her. I want you to be you. Just like I want us to have a chance to start with something good, something new. She would expect your anger, in fact, I’m sure she probably planned for it. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to be angry, but don’t hold back from me out of fear.”
“I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you.”
“Want to know what I’m afraid of?” His eyes closed and then opened again, glassy. “Losing someone else. I can’t do it again, Val. I can’t—” He shook his head. “You get one chance. If you leave now, I’ll let you. I won’t chase you. I swear it. But if you stay in my bed tonight, you are mine. Wherever you go, I’ll find you, no matter what you say to push me away; I’m going to push right back. I don’t care if living with me is a version of your own personal hell. I want you. Here. Because I care. Because I see myself falling faster than I should. Because when I hold your hand, the world goes from gray to color. Because when I kiss you, I forget all about the pain of loss and remember the joy in being found.” He kissed my lips softly. “Because when I’m with you…I don’t want to be anywhere else. And that’s my confession, my truth. This, here, you, us, is what I want. No do-overs. No should haves, would haves, no if onlys. Just. Here. Now.”
“I want that too,” I said in a shaky voice. “I want us.”
“About damn time you start making sense, Val.” His smile was back. “Now, get in my bed.”
I must not have moved fast enough, because the minute he pulled away from me he was grabbing my arm and dragging me back toward the bedroom.
“Put on clothes and you’ll be punished,” he said in his threatening voice. “I’ll be back in five minutes.”