“I’m an Abandonato,” I said proudly.
“Hear, hear!” Nixon lifted his whiskey into the air and winked while Chase clinked his glass.
”Damn it, I hate being outnumbered.” Tex pouted.
“Enough gossiping.” Phoenix eyed me. “I say we initiate our two new members… family style.”
My eyes widened. “I can’t kill someone.”
Everyone was silent and then burst out laughing.
“Capture the Flag,” Nixon said, through his laughter. “Paintball style.”
“In the dark?” I was excited just thinking about it. Then again, they were trained killers so maybe I’d just hide in a dark hole and rock back and forth.
“Suit up!” Chase stood. “Tonight, we war!”
I will roar you as gently as any sucking dove. –A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Sergio
I DROVE IN circles and then drove to her grave.
For the first time since her death, it felt like a grave. There was nothing alive about the marble headstone that stared back at me, just a marker of the life that was lived, and the body the dirt contained.
It started to rain as I fell to my knees in front of the marker and yelled at the top of my lungs. Lightning flashed across the sky, matching my mood.
I’d fucked everything up. And for what?
This?
This grave.
This grave that I’d put a soul into.
That I put a heart into.
A memory that I wound up like a robot and played over and over again in my head until I was bordering on insanity.
Having sex with Val had changed everything.
I craved her.
And, to make matters worse, two nights ago she’d left her door open, and I’d snuck in and just watched her sleep like a total maniac coming off a drug high.
I was worried about her.
I wanted to talk to her, ask her how her day was, see her face light up when she told stories.
Damn it, I really just wanted to hold her hand.
Pride kept me hesitant.
And fear kept me distant.
Because the more I fell for her, the harder it was to remember Andi.
To still love Andi as if she were alive.
Because that’s what I was doing, loving an object that didn’t hold me at night, didn’t comfort me, didn’t do anything except lay peacefully in the ground like bodies are supposed to do. The grass touched more of her essence than I still did.
And yet, the memories they kept her living, breathing, a walking ghost right along beside me.
Maybe that’s how people who are left behind by loved ones go insane; they carry on as if the person is still there, until it becomes their reality, even though there isn’t anyone next to them in bed, they still arrange the pillows as if there was.
I would always love Andi, but it was like Val was fighting for a position in my heart, a position I didn’t even know was vacant, it didn’t feel vacant, not when I closed my eyes and forced myself to think about Andi’s lips, her touch, her laugh.
But the laugh? Wasn’t as strong.
The touch of her lips no longer made my mouth buzz with awareness — because it was air — I was kissing air.
“You’re gone.” There, I said it out loud. “You’re not coming back.”
I closed my eyes as rain poured over my face mingling with the hot tears. I didn’t know what to do or how to fix things.
So I found myself asking. What would Andi do?
Life was beautiful.
Death was beautiful.
She’d be pissed I was wasting away.
Her note said she released me.
What I hadn’t realized, was I’d never needed her permission.
Because first, you need to release yourself.
AN HOUR LATER, I returned to the house. I caught a glimpse of one of the girls dressed in all black, with a pink bandana around her head. I parked the car and got out when I saw Phoenix pop out from behind a bush, face smeared with camo war paint. I barely had any time to run for cover when a paintball hit me in the stomach causing me to double over with a curse.
“Got ya!” Tex yelled thrusting his gun into the air.
“Bastard!” I hissed. “Do I look like I can defend myself?” I held out my hands and waited.
He shot me again.
“That’s it!” I charged him but it was dark, and I couldn’t locate him fast enough before he ducked behind a tree.
“Need someone to save your sorry ass?” Nixon ran up to me and tossed a paintball gun, I caught it midair with one hand. “Also, if you could take out one of the girls, that would be super helpful, we’re losing.”
“The hell!” I yelled. “We haven’t lost in five years!”
“So you see the seriousness of this situation?”
“I’ll take care of it.” I found myself smiling despite the fact that I’d had one of the worst nights of my life since Andi’s death.
“Good man.” He jogged off and called over his shoulder. “By the way, your girl took out Chase.”
My footsteps faltered. “Seriously?” Chase was one of the best, bastard knew how to sneak up on a person, which should be surprising knowing his loud personality, so the fact that she got him was more than slightly impressive.