I needed to find beauty in my situation.
Instead, all I saw was the reflection of the ugly, the deep wallowing pit of despair, that nothing in my life, or Val’s, would ever be the same.
Because of choices made long ago.
We were already… dead.
Swirling in a sea of endless hate.
I did hate something more than cancer.
I hated words.
I hated contracts.
I hated the situation.
But most of all, I hated that she would never look at me the way I secretly craved — with the opposite of hate — love.
The more I hate, the more he follows me —A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Valentina
I WOULD NOT cry.
Not over him.
That was twice.
Twice in one day that he’d either told me he thought of me as a child or as his sister, and he was telling other people, consciously saying the words out loud over and over again, unaware that each time I was within earshot.
The words stung so badly.
More now, because he’d kissed me.
He’d kissed me.
I’d done nothing, too terrified to move, afraid he’d pull a knife on me, or worse yet, change his mind.
His lips had been so soft, pliant, and if I were being completely honest with myself, wicked, like he knew how to please women. I had been one kiss, one caress away from exploding beneath his touch.
I was that easy.
And then, just when he was starting to press his hard body against me, he’d pulled back and muttered something about proving a point.
I was so embarrassed that I wanted to cry.
Rejected again.
I’d rather he hate me than give me little glimpses of the man I thought he could be only for him to hide them away again. I’d rather he leave me the hell alone.
Instead, I felt like a toy.
A toy that was convenient to play with when he was finally in the mood to let down his own walls.
I don’t even know how long I sat in my room.
Wanting to believe that I truly hated him, but knowing it was useless in the end. Knowing that I needed to be the mature one, accept fate, marry the guy, and just move on with my life.
Life. Huh, whatever that meant.
My uncles had given me the next two days off at my request.
They hadn’t asked about the movie.
But they did ask where Sergio was.
Business, always business these days. I’d gone to get him only to hear him laugh about being married to a child.
I looked down at my clothes.
Nothing about what I wore was womanly.
Maybe that was the problem.
I was in jeans and a T-shirt, hardly sexy.
Was that what he wanted?
If only I could see what his wife had looked like, maybe that would help. I made a face. Or maybe it would fill me with such insane jealousy that I’d hide under my bed for the next few hours and slit my wrists.
I bet she was beautiful.
Just like him.
It killed me a bit to know that he was always going to compare me to a woman I would never measure up to.
How was that fair?
A knock sounded on my door.
“Who is it?” If it was Sergio I was going to lose it.
“Dante.”
“Come in. You always do anyway,” I grumbled, wiping at my cheeks and then pinching them to make sure that I didn’t look as horrible as I felt.
Dante walked into the room with a package in his hands. He was frowning, it aged him, and at the same time made me more aware of the weight he’d been carrying all these years.
“What’s that?” I tried to keep my voice chipper; the last thing he needed was to keep holding the weight on his own.
Dante tossed the box in my direction. “No idea, it’s from Neiman Marcus. Been shopping?”
I laughed. “Yeah right, like I could afford Neiman Marcus.”
He didn’t say anything. Which was weird.
“Dante?”
“Hmm?” His head snapped up. Was his jaw swollen. “Are you okay?”
“Yup, just… tired.” He faked a yawn, the little liar, then started slowly backing out of the room. “Oh hey, how was the movie?”
I swallowed the thickness in my throat as the distance grew between me and my twin, but, maybe it had always been there, he’d just hidden it from me out of concern.
He was all I had.
Him and my uncles.
And now it felt like I had nobody.
“Good,” I lied. “It was… awesome.”
I didn’t even remember what movie we went to.
“Good, sis.” He exhaled in relief. “You deserve to be happy.”
“So do you.”
“What makes you think I’m not?” he snapped.
“I didn’t say that.” What was happening to us? To my family. “You’re right, you seem tired, go lie down.”
He mumbled something under his breath and shut the door quietly behind him while I sucked in the last of the tears I had and stared down at the brown box.