Her shoulders stiffen. The incredulous look she was sporting a second ago, turns into something much colder. She's pissed. I knew she would be. She puts her coffee down, staring at the tabletop. "Why didn’t you tell me?"
"It wasn't…it wasn't something to sit around and dissect over a tub of ice cream, Pip. It wasn't something I was exactly proud of? either."
"What does that mean? My God, you weren't raped were you?"
"No, no, of course not. But…" This is the part where I either tell her the whole truth or I go for a watered-down version. I’m a complete coward in the end. She would never think badly of me for what I did but I just can't bear the shame of admitting it. I sold my virginity for information. Information that I didn't even get, which means I sold it for nothing. "I didn't know the guy. I didn't even know his name. I…I was drunk and we did it in the dark. I couldn't have even told you what he looked like until yesterday."
Pip closes her eyes and presses her fingertips into her forehead.
Please don't think I'm a slut. Please don’t think a slut.
“Sloane, jeez…” she groans.
"I know, I know."
"I don't even know where to begin with this."
"How about after the judgemental part?"
"Oh, babe. I would never, ever judge you. I'm just…I just wanted something special for you. Y’know, romance, red roses, champagne, fireworks…"
I should have known she would never judge me. I push my bagel crumbs around on the plate sitting in front of me, pouting. "Oh, there were definitely fireworks. None of the other stuff, but definitely fireworks."
She sighs and then reaches across the table, removing the plate so she can hold my hands in hers. "So this has been playing on your mind for two whole years and you didn't tell me why?"
"Because it wasn't exactly normal sex, if you get me."
Pippa looks like she doesn't understand, and then realization dawns on her face. "So…you let some guy screw you and he was into some freaky stuff?"
"Pretty much."
"And wait, you said you didn't even know what he looked like until yesterday. What happened yesterday?"
"He came into the hospital. His friend tried to kill herself."
She exhales. "I need another coffee for this." She orders one for herself and one for me, and when she comes back she has more questions prepared. "I just don't get it. How did you know it was him?"
"His voice is quite distinctive. I practically came out and asked him if he was the guy and, well, he didn't deny it."
"Okay, so aside from the obvious conversation we should not need to have about you making smart choices, why are you cheering your nails off over this guy? You haven't heard a peep out of him since this happened?"
"No."
"So what?"
"So…he kind of kissed me."
"Ah.”
"And it was kind of while…" I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing. "While he kind of had me pinned up against the wall…with his hand around my throat." Pippa’s eyes are probably the most expressive part of her body—they almost double in size.
"He attacked you?"
"It was more of a threat."
"Why on earth would he do that?"
"He doesn't want his friend to be sectioned. Probably thought I could pull some strings and have the whole incident brushed under the carpet."
She snorts. "Well, good luck with that, buddy. Girl tries to kill herself, she gets automatic couch time with a professional at the very least. But anyway, he forcefully kissed you?"
"No. I sort of…allowed that."
"Fuck, Sloane. I don't know, this almost sounds like grounds to call the cops to me. Why the hell did you let him do that? Is he unhinged? Are you unhinged?"
I let out a bitter laugh. "That's a possibility on both counts."
She laces her fingers together, frowning. She's not supposed to frown; it gives too much away. "You already know what I'm going to say to you, don't you?"
"Yeah. I do." I sigh. The weight of this whole thing is an impossible burden on my shoulders. It feels good to have shared even a small part of it, and I’m not done yet. "There’s something else, Pip. He might know something about Alexis."
This information freezes her in her seat. I don't often talk about Lex; I rarely even mention her name, so the fact that I've brought her up now is a really big deal. "How?" she asks calmly. "Did this guy have something to do with her disappearance? Oh my God."
"No. Or at least I don't think he did. I can't…I can't really explain it right now."
She doesn't like that, not one bit. She huffs out a long breath, staring at me like have gone mad. "I have a bad feeling about this, Sloane. Aside from the fact that you still know nothing about this guy—” she pauses, as though something has just occurred to her. "Do you even know his name now?" I shake my head, no. She looks mortified. "Okay, well he hasn't offered any information to the cops about Lex being snatched, and you won't tell me how you think he might know this mystery information. That leads me to believe he is probably involved in some bad shit. Up to his neck in it, no doubt. And he tried to choke the life out of you?"