Against my better judgment, I reached out and ran my fingers down his spine. He tensed at my touch, but didn’t ask me to stop. Removing my hand, I turned over on my side facing away from him. I stayed that way for a long time, thinking about losing Saint. I also tried to imagine leaving Ellsberg. Neither option felt right.
When trapped with Playboy, I thought to run. I even considered going to the police and ratting him out. I'd imagined my brother and sister stuck in foster care. Would the club put me in a grave to keep me from causing more trouble? Even when I thought to run away, I realized I’d end up turning tricks to survive. One hell or another, I refused to choose. Eventually, Playboy made the choice.
Would things have turned out better if I hadn’t been too afraid to choose? I’d never know the answer. With Saint, either I decided or he’d leave and decide for me. I might again make the coward’s choice. Of course, I could leave with him and end up miserable anyway.
Dozing off, I imagined a life where Saint was happy in Ellsberg. I could remain surrounded by family and friends while keeping this amazing man. In my fantasy, everything was easy. I hoped my thoughts turned into dreaming of us together.
Instead, I suffered through a feverish dream about shoe shopping. I hated shopping especially for shoes. Waking up, I found Saint sleeping soundly next to me. We’d changed positions in the last few hours and were now facing each other. Remembering how we’d gone to sleep tense, I decided to leave him to rest.
I tiptoed to the bathroom then slipped into the kitchen for a glass of water. Even tired, I feared returning to bed. Saint was too tempting. When he wanted something, I needed to give it to him. When he was upset, I needed to make him happy. I hadn’t felt such responsibility with anyone outside of my family before. Saint was perfect, but his power over me wasn’t enough to convince me to leave my home.
Accepting Saint would be gone soon, my chest hurt and I couldn't catch my breath. I panicked when I imagined never seeing him again. How could I go on knowing he existed in the world without me?
I returned to bed, barely coping with the pain of losing him. I’d grown up since we'd met. I was stronger, less angry. Mostly, I was confident. If I could face down a man like him, I was strong enough to deal with any trouble life threw my way.
Except losing him.
Saint didn’t look like an angel in his sleep. Not even a fallen one. He looked like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Sleeping with a pout on his slightly tense face, Saint never escaped his demons. They hounded him relentlessly, yet he hid his pain better when awake.
The world broke his heart. A good man with big dreams of changing the world was ruined by the evil that lives in lesser people. The men who destroyed him were filth, yet they’d won in many ways.
I wished I could fix his pain. I wished to sooth the painful scars in this man. Life didn’t work that way. Just as I'd always be trapped in the memories of watching my family die, Saint would never truly escape his hell.
I watched him sleep for a long time, already saying goodbye. Why the hell couldn't I be strong enough to leave Ellsberg?
Waking up startled, Saint seemed to know he was being watched. He scowled darkly at me. I only stared back at him. Even when he was angry, the man was irresistible.
“What are you doing?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Planning how to kill you in your sleep.”
A small smile appeared then faded. “Bad dream?”
“No. I wanted a drink.”
Saint leaned over and took a gulp from his always-present Gatorade. Resting back against the headboard, he studied me again.
“Why are you watching me sleep?”
“I was thinking about how much I’ll miss you when you leave town.”
“I’m not leaving though.”
“You keep saying how much you like the city, not small towns.”
Saint rested his hands his stomach. “I want you.”
“You can have anyone.”
“Don’t do the pouty insecure bit. Not with me.”
Smiling slightly, I crawled closer. “I don’t think I can function without my family.”
“You can do anything you want.”
I lost my smile. “How long will you wait for me?”
The minute the words left my lips, Saint wasted no time. In a smooth motion, he leaned forward onto his knees and cupped my face. No words necessary, he answered me with a kiss. Gentle, yet commanding, Saint leaned me back onto the bed. My hands slid into his thick hair. My legs wrapped around him as he leaned over me.
“You taste like heaven,” he murmured, kissing my jaw and neck.
“I’m afraid of holding you too close. I'm also scared of letting you go. I haven’t been this scared since I got to Ellsberg.”
Saint hovered over me, large and intimidating. Even a monster of a man, he caressed my bare belly as if his fingers were the wind. I shivered at the feel of him, but said “no.” He didn’t stop, instead kissing my forehead and cheeks before finding my lips.