Damaged and the Outlaw (Damaged #4)

Studying her young battered face, I realized there was no avoiding this conversation any longer.

“Yeah, sometimes,” I admitted, feeling like an asshole saying it out loud. “I think about how different my life would have been if I hadn’t done what I did that night. It does make me feel guilty to consider how I might be happier if you were dead.”

“You gave up a lot to help me.”

“No, not really,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “That’s the thing. I missed my old life because it was what I knew. The new one is unknown. I didn’t leave anything worth holding onto though.”

Harlow took my hand. “I heard about your mom. I remember you calling her when we got to the first hotel. You sounded scared and I could tell you were worried you wouldn’t see her again. You did lose a lot helping me.”

“You got things wrong, kid. You’ve got this idealistic view of what happened that night. I wasn’t your white knight. I killed those fuckers because I was pissed. I’d hated them for a while, but that night was the last straw. You need to stop viewing me as a great guy.”

“You were an avenging angel,” she said, ignoring my anger. “You could have looked the other way and did your job. I know that better now. I didn’t realize how much you gave up back then. I know now and I’m sorry you never saw your mom again. You didn’t deserve to be punished for helping me and hurting bad men. You deserved a reward, but you were exiled and hunted instead.”

“You’re putting me up as a hero and I’m not.”

Harlow stared at me with her tired eyes. “You saved my life. Not only that day, but by bringing me here. You gave me a chance to have a new family and grow up. You can say you’re not a hero. Hell, you can say anything you want, but you are my hero.”

Sighing, I gave her a grudging smile. “You killed a guy?”

“Some people need dying,” Harlow said, letting go of my hand. “You know that and I know it too. It was either Winona and me or that man. It wasn’t a hard choice. The first time I hit him with the tree branch was the hardest part. Once I hit him, it got easier. My anger made it easier and I just kept hitting him. Winona had a rock…”

Harlow’s gaze unfocused, she remembered taking a life.

“It’s weird really. How one second the guy was strong and in charge. He was a threat and we were the victims. Then, he was weak and begging. He laughed when we begged, but I didn’t laugh when he begged. I just kept hitting him until he shut up. Winona did too. We weren’t going to be his victims.”

Shaking off the memory, she sighed. “I was angry today like you were that night. Being pissed off doesn’t make what we did wrong. My anger gave me the fire to get the job done. I think your anger back in Tucson gave you the fire to kill men you were expected to protect. You went against your training and did what your heart said was right. That takes balls, Vaughn. I’m proud of you.”

I chuckled. “You sound like a mom talking down to her kid.”

“You didn’t grow up enough,” Harlow said, giving me a little smirk. “I think you stopped growing in your head at some point and still need to find your way.” Harlow kicked at the ground then gave me a big smile. “I heard you’re getting married. Guess you can’t really be an outlaw anymore then. Can’t be on the outside when you belong to something. Maybe you’re finally growing up.”

“Look at you, Little Miss Know-it-all.”

“I wonder about you a lot,” she said, glancing at the approaching Harleys. “I make myself think about that night. I try to face it because it’s my weakness. I want to be stronger than my mother who couldn’t face her weaknesses. I want to be powerful, but that night makes me scared again. I force myself though and I remember how you were. I wish you could see you the way I do, but I guess life isn’t like that.”

Seeing Harlow so confident, I felt a sort of fatherly pride in her. “No, it’s not, darling. I’m glad you killed that bastard, but I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish those ugly times were long ago.”

“Our past doesn’t want to let us go. You’ll finish it though. I know you will because you’re not one of the Devils anymore. You need to end that part of you and be a new man. You can finally stop being an outsider or an outlaw. It’s important to belong.”