Damaged and the Knight (Damaged #2)

“I was thinking of one of those fuckers who hurt me,” I said softly. “I didn’t read him well at all. I thought he was nicer because he didn’t hit me or chock me. He didn’t piss on me or yank me around by my hair. He seemed almost gentle and I looked forward to when it was his turn because he wasn’t so scary.”


Firing again, I grazed the tree. “His name was Alex and he said he would get my necklace back from the fuck who took it for his kid. He said I was pretty and the others didn’t. They said Farah was Cinderella and I was the ugly stepsister. Alex made me feel like I wasn’t the shitty leftovers no one wanted though. I even liked him a little after the first few days, but he’s the one who ruined me.”

My mind was focused on Alex standing on the other side of creek, waiting to die. I never thought of Judd standing behind me or what I was saying. I just wanted to hurt Alex for making me nothing.

“The head guy was Travis and he liked Farah. He enjoyed making her scream and he hated how she would cry when he fucked her. He wanted to punish her and Alex thought it would be funny for me to be part of hurting Farah. I hate the fucker.”

Firing again, I refused to cry. Besides, I wasn’t sad. I was enraged that Farah ever cried or screamed or that I shamed myself in front of her.

“Alex would fuck me in front of the mirror. I didn’t think about that, but one time, he made me come and told me to look at what a dirty whore I was. I did look and he was right. I looked happy. I knew that’s how I looked in front of Farah and I hated myself. I tried to forget, but that’s the face I see in the mirror. The dirty whore coming with some old fucker. The evil bitch that came for Travis in front of a crying Farah.”

When Judd yanked the gun away from me, I turned to him and frowned. “I was getting better at hitting the target.”

He stared at me and I saw such pain in those eyes. “Do you ever listen to what you say about yourself?”

Confused, I stared up at him. “I feel like I have to lie with everyone else, but I don’t want to lie with you.”

Judd wiped a single tear rolling down my cheek. “I need you to be strong and understand my life because you’re part of it. I want you to feel safe and strong, but you’re the biggest threat to yourself.”

Lowering my gaze, I felt ashamed to have him say those words. “I’m sorry.”

“Tawny,” he said softly, lifting my chin so I would meet his gaze, “you are so beautiful and you deserve to look in the fucking mirror and see what I see.”

“I can’t look. When I do, I see that whore coming for every freak in the gang.”

“You’ve imprinted all these lies into your head and I can’t make them go away. I don’t have the power to make you stop thinking like that. Only you do, but I don’t think you can. Not on your own.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, caressing my crucifix for reassurance.

Judd returned the gun to his holster. “When my mom got away from my dad, she suffered from PTSD. She tried therapy and it didn’t really help. Building a new life did help, but she still had those dark moods. Finally, her doctor got her on an anti-depressant and her dark moods weren’t so dark. She still has bad days, but she feels more in control.”

Feeling like he was calling me defective, I just wanted to hide from the world. “You want me to take medication to fix me?”

“No,” he said, cupping my face. “You are fixing yourself already. At first, I didn’t get why you’d work at that job or live in the shithole, but I understand now. If you lived off Cooper, in your mind, your every success would really be his.”

Even afraid Judd was ready to discard me for being a loser, I had to admit he was right about why I wanted to work and live on my own. I nodded as he caressed my cheeks.

“You try so hard and I see you working to dig yourself out of that life you had growing up, but you also have these dark moods where I worry you’ll be the one who destroys you.”

“I was just being honest and using Alex as a target.”

“Not just what you said right now, but the message you left me. Fuck, you can’t know how scared I was that you’d do something before I got back to you. I thought to call you, but what if I said something to make it worse? I just jumped on the bike and came straight to see you because the girl leaving that message didn’t hate me for fucking up. She hated herself for every wrong in the world. It’s not your damn fault those fuckers hurt you and Farah.”