Dylan’s business slowed during the cold winter months, but I remained busy with Lark. Until she brought the twins home, I’d only held a baby once and it ended with me sobbing. The twins left no time for tears or panic attacks. Lark claimed the babies already tag-teamed any adult watching them. Whether she was paranoid or perceptive, we created a system to keep the twins cleaned, fed, and as quiet as possible.
Often we sat on the couch with the twins and simply looked at them. Lark traced her baby’s face, studying its features. I copied her with whatever baby rested on my lap. Soon, I was comfortable touching a baby and looked forward to holding one.
Leo preferred Lark and cried when I cared for him. Instead of crying too, I learned to ignore his displeasure while I changing his diaper or preparing a bottle. Phoebe was easy-going. When she stared at me while I fed her, I found myself thinking about Jonah. I’d never felt a connection with him. Not when he was inside me or when I held him. When I looked at pictures of him, I felt no parental pride. He was my son, yet didn’t belong to me.
One day I woke up next to Dylan and decided I wanted a baby of my own. I craved what my friends experienced. After a year of marriage, I knew I was ready to love a baby like it needed to be loved. Dylan was nervous because he loved only me. A baby was an abstract idea, but I was real and he wanted me safe. In the end, Dylan relented when I refused to give up my dream.
Harlow returned to Ellsberg for the births of my children. I knew she’d always worry about me because I was the fragile sister. Each time she arrived, I saw the concern in her eyes. By the time she’d leave town again, Harlow trusted in the life I’d built with Dylan.
When I was pregnant with Shelby, Dylan decided he needed a tattoo to celebrate our love. The Johanssons and Nick tattooed their women’s names on their wrists. Dylan wanted something grander. After he and Aaron worked on a design, I was presented with a colorful and rather feminine Winnie the Pooh on his chest. The tattoo was so perfect that I asked him to rest on his side facing me, so I could fall asleep looking at it.
For each of our children, Dylan added a honey pot with the baby’s name. Later, Shelby and Shane learned to spell their names from studying Daddy’s tat. Dylan often declared himself a genius to have come up with the idea. I had to agree.
Many days, I still couldn’t believe Dylan loved me. He felt like a dream and I often reached out in the morning to touch him to be sure he was real. This touch often led him to touching me. Soon, touching was all we thought about and our days tended to start rather late. By the time I crawled lazily out of bed, I was very certain my dream guy was real and he was very much mine.
Epilogue ~ Dylan
Six months into our marriage, I had a light bulb moment. I never understood why Winnie freaked out about certain things or people, but not others. When a giant biker from the club picked her up and spun her around, she only laughed. Yet the pimply teen pizza guy sent her into a panic. I saw no rhyme or reason to her fears.
One day while Winnie worked on my business invoices, I sat admiring her beauty. Suddenly, she flinched and looked out the window. With anyone else, I’d think their gut was warning them. With Winnie though, nothing happened. Her instinct was all wrong.
The Vandals didn’t only damage her confidence. They also destroyed her instinct. She feared innocent things, yet embraced scary things when she shouldn’t.
This realization helped me view Winnie’s problems like a disability. If she had poor sight, I wouldn’t get frustrated when she couldn’t see something. If she couldn’t hear and needed things repeated, I wouldn’t expect her to get over it. Her inability to know a true threat from an imaginary one was just another broken sense.
Over the years, Winnie figured me out too. If I was tense, she’d bounce around and pretend to fight me.
“You need to fight someone or fuck me. Either way, you’ll calm down.”
The choice wasn’t difficult and I always chilled out after she gave me her ultimatum. Yeah, Winnie had my number.
Plenty of people felt we rushed into marriage. My dad was one of them, always making shotgun wedding comments. Once I showed him how Aaron reworked my demon tattoo into a Grim Reaper, he backed off. I officially had no allegiance to my dad anymore. My heart belonged to Winnie and my loyalty to the club. Larry was a bad memory from my past.
Three months into our marriage, we adopted a kitten Winnie named Cookie. Eight months into our marriage, we brought home a bulldog I wanted to name Monster. Instead, Bailey suggested Horny Toad and her suggestion stuck. When the kids came along, we shorted the dog’s name to Toad.
On our first anniversary, Winnie decided she wanted to have a baby. Once she got an idea stuck in her head, I didn’t waste time disagreeing. Like our first night together, Winnie decided something and I enjoyed the results.