“His friend. Your friend. Don’t see how it makes a difference who I share my cookies with at snack time.” His attempt at lightening up this conversation works, earning a giggle before I shake my head and look down at my clasped hands.
“You know I tried to get in contact with him, so many letters . . . It was ridiculous how blinded by love I was. Never once did I give up faith that he would come to me. I saw everything, even with the pain of losing my mom and dad, with a little extra sparkle knowing he would come back for me.” I laugh lightly, looking up and meeting his serious eyes, “Never once did I give up that hope. It wasn’t until almost two months later when I started panicking and worrying.” With a deep sigh and a wobble in my voice, I look back up before continuing. “He hadn’t been gone long, so I didn’t really have much cause for concern. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to talk often, but I thought for sure he would call, find a way to reach out to me when he found out about my parents. God, was I stupid. So stupid . . .”
I don’t realize that I have zoned out, staring off into space, until Maddox coughs, clears his throat, and interrupts my mental trip down memory lane. “What happened next, Izzy?”
I turn my head and look into his deep, dark eyes, just look into his understanding face for a few moments before I whisper my biggest sorrow. “What happened? I finally had some light brought back into my life and more motivation to find Axel. I was pregnant, Maddox. Seventeen, alone, and pregnant with a baby I loved more than anything in this world. Even with as much as I missed Axel, I was finally smiling again because I had a small part of our love growing inside of me. I was happy. Even without my parents and without Axel physically by me, I was able to feel whole.”
His mouth is wide open in shock, eyes large and bugging out, and the wheels are turning so fast, I worry he might start flying off track. I have stunned this big man.
“Uh . . .”
He coughs a few times, pausing to collect his thoughts. Or maybe he is picking up the pieces of his mind I just blew all over the room. Not what he was expecting to hear, I’m sure. Greg was shocked, and he didn’t even know who my Axel was then.
“Pregnant?” He looks down at my stomach like he is expecting me to still be pregnant twelve years later. “Izzy, what happened to the baby? You sound like you wanted the pregnancy, and forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember seeing any babies.” His tone is light, and I know he doesn’t mean to cause the sharp pain that jolts through my body. I can’t help the flinch that rocks me back in my seat. I feel like he slapped me, and even though I know he didn’t mean it, I can’t help the tears that rush to the surface.
Smiling sadly at him, I continue my story. “No, you didn’t see any baby. I lost my little miracle when I was three months pregnant.” The tears are flowing now. As much as it hurts to talk about this, I start to feel a little lighter from finally letting someone else in.
“Oh, girl . . . come here.” He pushes his big body from the table and holds his arms open to me. I crawl into his lap and hold on tight, letting out the sorrow of my loss, letting him take in the pain, and purging the grief from my system.
We stay like that for a while. He rubs my back and becomes my anchor while I just let it out. He doesn’t push, doesn’t ask me any more questions; he is just there. I know in this moment that Maddox will forever be part of my ‘family.’
I finally calm down and am just starting to get up when he clears his throat. I look over at him, shocked by the moisture in his eyes, the unchecked sadness his face holds. “Izzy, you have to be one of the strongest chicks I know. Hear me when I say this, and please don’t take this the wrong way. I feel you, girl. I feel your pain. Cuts me deep, you and Reid. But you two need to talk because I promise you . . . he has no clue. Not my story to tell, but girl, no clue. That wire I thought was crossed is more like a ball so fucked up that if you don’t sit down and work it out, you might never get it unraveled. You two hurting, and hurting for no reason . . . A shame girl. A damn shame.”
Sometimes it sounds like he is talking in riddles. I don’t see how this could be misconstrued. It’s pretty cut and dry if you ask me. I know Axel doesn’t know about our angel, but he can’t play dumb about not following through with our plans and coming to me.
“I don’t know, Mad. I think if there were something else at play here, he would have tried harder to find me. I’ll think about it, but no promises okay?”
“All I can ask. Can’t hold that shit in forever. Might have been easier when he wasn’t around, but now, not going to be able to hold it in.”
“Mad, you know . . . You know you can talk to me too, right? I won’t push, but I know something is eating at you, and I would guess it’s something big.” Maddox is always so closed off, and I know that this moment of sharing my past is big for him. I just wish he would let me in, let me help him.