Looking into his eyes, I can see the honesty there, but I can also see the desperation. I’ve done this to him, to us, and a lesser man would’ve given up a long time ago.
“I don’t deserve you, Beck.” I don’t, I know this. I’ve been a bitch; I’ve pushed and pushed, closing him out. I can see it now, and my heart breaks for all the time he’s wasted on me. “Why didn’t you just give up? I’m so messed up, Beck . . . so messed up. I can’t even remember half the times you came running when I called because the desire to let the fear get the best of me was too strong. But you did, every single time. Even when I tried bringing other men around to make you mad enough to leave for good, you wouldn’t budge. How can you stand by my side, even from a distance, for so damn long, and not hate me? Hell, I hate me.” I take a deep breath, and wipe away a few tears before looking up and meeting his gaze. When I see the emotion and adoration in his eyes, I let out a small gasp.
He pushes his chair back and stands, walking the short distance to my chair. I don’t look up, but keep my eyes still trained to the spot he just vacated.
“Dee, stand up.”
I don’t move.
“Dee . . .”
I can’t move, I just let it all hang out and I’m not sure if I’m ready to hear what he’s about to say.
“Denise.” His tone is harder this time; clearly, he’s losing his patience.
I sigh, push my chair back, stand, and turn slowly to look at his chest.
“Eyes up here, Dee.” His tone is still hard, but I can hear it, the emotion giving his voice a slight wobble.
When I meet his eyes they are shining brightly, and his lips are curved into a small smile. My breath catches in my throat. He’s looking at me like Axel looks at Izzy and Greg looks at Melissa.
He’s looking at me as if I’m the only woman on earth.
“I stand by your side because this is where I’m meant to be. I stand by your side because you didn’t have the strength to hold yourself up. That’s what you do for the person you love. Right after the attack, we were so fresh, but I knew that our relationship was worth fighting for. For months, you would have nightmares, and every time you would wake up, it was my name you were screaming to help you. You aren’t messed up, Baby. You lived through something terrible, and you needed time to process that. Your mind needed time to heal. I’m not going to lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt when you pushed me away. I had just spent eight months at your side trying to be who you needed, but I understand that you had to find your own way.” He frames my face in his warm hands, his thumbs brushing the tears that are falling from my eyes in rapid succession.
“Every single time we would get back together, I thought for sure you were back, you would be ready for us. And I won’t lie. When I would wake up in the morning expecting to find you naked in my bed, only to meet cold sheets? That hurt. Then I would see you a few days later, and that pain would still be there like a neon sign in your eyes. That pain is gone now. Not even one trace of it is left. Even after all the stuff that went down in your office, it’s gone now. You need a little more time to figure it out for yourself? That’s fine, but you’re going to be doing it, with me, right here.” He bends down and presses the softest of kisses against my lips before pulling back and smiling. “Understand now?” I nod. “Good, now let’s eat.”
I sit lamely and eat my breakfast, because after all that, I’m positive I wouldn’t be able to form a word anyway, much less argue with him. Every single thing he just said is true. I don’t remember a lot of the early months after Brandon’s attack, but I do remember needing him like a life raft. And after all the running, the therapy, the fear, I can also feel that the webs I’ve been trapped in have cleared. It’s almost as if this recent attack has proven to me that I am strong enough to fight for my own happiness. Most importantly, I feel like it’s possible now.
*
After breakfast, I clean up our mess and continue to try processing what the hell just happened. Ever since his grand speech, my mind is spinning, and my heart is beating like a marching band has invaded my chest.
Can I forget everything I’ve ever thought? Is it possible that, maybe, I’ve just had the worst luck possible when it comes to men, and that he really is this perfect? Even the reasons I’ve used to push him away in my mind don’t hold true anymore. There’s no way that he could ever be like Brandon, that bastard. There is no way that he would ever treat me like my father treated my mother and me. All he’s ever shown me is love.