I was lost. I was afraid. And worst of all, I was alone because I pushed the greatest thing to ever happen to me away when I let my fear take control. The worst part, next to losing Beck, was that I couldn’t even pull myself back in. I didn’t want to pull myself back in. Darkness had become my best friend, and everything bright and happy just seemed to vanish.
Time turned into an endless cycle of gray. I went through the motions, and acted like everything was okay when everyone was around, but the second I was alone, and the webs of my depression weaved their way around me in a cocoon tight enough to suffocate me, the only thing I wanted was for it to all just stop. I wanted the end, and each morning when I woke up and realized I hadn’t gotten it, I slipped a little deeper.
And I had no one to blame but myself.
PART TWO
Healing
&
Acceptance
CHAPTER 6
Beck
Almost Two Years Later
“You’re turning into the old cat lady on the street.” Coop laughs, picking up one of the kittens that appeared on my porch one day a few months ago. “Which one is this? Pussy or Trouble? You know, it’s basically the same damn thing. Pussy is trouble, and trouble always comes from pussy.” He laughs at his own joke, but I stay silent. I’m always fucking silent these days.
“Yup. You want a beer before we head out?” He just looks at me, so I shrug and head over to the fridge, snagging us both bottles. When I hand him his beer, he’s looking at me as if I’ve grown two heads, not exactly a look I’m used to being on the receiving end of.
“You feeling okay? I know it’s been a rough run the last year or so, but drinking before lunch? Not exactly a normal Mr. Perfect move there, Beck.” My skin feels like it’s too tight as he looks at me with his worried eyes. Jesus, when did I become this guy? Hell, I know exactly when. I just don’t know what to do about it.
“I’m fine . . . just have a lot on my mind right now.” He looks at me for a couple more beats before shaking his head and looking out the garage door. I busy myself with cleaning up the tools from my latest woodwork project, cleaning off my worktable, and sweeping up the sawdust. I should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to let this go. I know they all worry about me. I see the way that they watch me, waiting for me to crack, or maybe, waiting for me to explode. At this point, I’m pretty sure both are options.
“How long are you two going to play this game, Beck? You don’t think I know how you spend your nights, sitting at home like a fucking old man? You don’t date; you work, which I’m sure everyone loves since you do all the hard shit before we ever even crack the file open to start a new case. But you aren’t doing yourself any favors. If Dee doesn’t want a relationship, or whatever the hell you’re fighting this one man war for, I think it’s time to move on.” He walks over, puts his beer back in the fridge, and takes a deep breath before continuing. The whole time, I’m statue still. “Whatever her issues are . . . they aren’t yours to worry about.”
What can I say that won’t be betraying her confidence? I wish I could scream the truth in his face, because he doesn’t even know half of it. For almost two years I’ve watched the woman that owns my heart struggle to keep her head above water. Not even her best friend sees the pain she’s carrying on her back, because she hides it so well. But not from me. No one else was there to pick up Dee’s broken soul and fight to keep her whole after Izzy’s ex-husband attacked them. No one else saw how many times her beautiful, dark eyes completely lost their spark. And, while everyone else has moved on after the incident, I was the one by her side for months before she finally pushed me away.
The only thing I’ve thought of is the deep-seated worry that, one day we would show up at her house, and she would be gone. I do what I can from the sidelines, but even I know that isn’t enough. Izzy is too busy with Axel and their son, Nate, to even notice how far Dee is slipping away from us. Greg and his new wife, Melissa, and son, Cohen, are enjoying their new life as a family. Honestly, after everything those two have gone through recently, it isn’t a shock to me that he hasn’t noticed. Having your son kidnapped can do that to someone.
No, the two people closest to her, who that would be able to see through the veil of bullshit she wears around, are too busy. And the one person who wants more than anything to be there for her, has been locked out. So, yeah I’m just a little screwed up at this point.
“I can’t help it, Coop, and I know you don’t understand, so spare me the bullshit. I can’t just turn this shit off.” I finish sweeping the last pile of sawdust, and after dumping it in the bin, I look back over at Coop. “She needs me. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I look at her, even when she’s smiling and laughing with the girls, all I see is the need.”