"But I do remember the way I felt when you asked." She reaches down spinning her rings around her finger. "I loved you," she says, completely devoid of emotion. "I want to feel like that again." She finally looks into my eyes, and I see a flash of something genuine before they go blank again.
I can barely breathe. My chest feels like it’s going to collapse at any second. I know what I'm about to say, and it is scares the hell out of me. I can't do this emotional roller coaster anymore. I don't want the drama, the longing, the feeling that I'm constantly waiting for something to change. I may not be able to give up on her as a person, but I can finally let my Sarah go.
"I loved you too." I suck in a breath. The past tense of those words is enough to bring me to my knees, but I have to finish. "Sarah, I'll always be here for you. Every single Thursday for the rest of your life, I'll be knocking on your door. You can act like a bitch, you can call me names, you can try to lock me out, but I'll always come back. You would have done that for me. But there will never be another Brett and Sarah Sharp.
“You moved on four years ago, and tonight..." I pause terrified to finish the sentence. It needs to be said though, for both of us. "Well, tonight I'm moving on too." I wait for my words to sink in. Surely this will have some emotional effect on her, but she stands stock still seemingly unfazed.
Just as I'm about to repeat myself, a small mischievous smile creeps across her face. "Okay," she says, walking out of the kitchen and into her bedroom locking the door behind her.
Oh shit, this isn't good.
"Sarah!" I knock on her bedroom door. I just unknowingly issued some sort of challenge and she was all too happy to accept it. "Open the door." I continue to knock.
She never answers, and after a few minutes I have no choice but to leave it alone for now. I decide to head home, and deal with this tomorrow. Awesome, more drama to look forward to.
When I get outside to my car, I have an overwhelming urge to drive directly to Jess's apartment. It's been a week since we started dating, but I've already become addicted. She always makes me forget everything else. It's more than just a distraction, though. My life has been on auto-pilot, nothing in my control. I have no choice but to go along for the ride. For a man, it's a damn near crippling feeling. Jesse grounds me. She looks at me like I'm the prize, but she has no idea that I'm the winner every time we are together. I want to rush to her right now, falling asleep buried inside of her. But that's not fair to her. We agreed to take this slow and not rush into something I can't give her when my life explodes again. The same way it always does.
I walk into my apartment, wasting no time heading directly to the phone. If I can't see her, I damn sure am going to talk to her. As soon as I hear her pick up my whole load is lightened.
"Hang on Brett!" she shouts distantly. "Okay, I'm back...hello."
"Well, you sound busy."
"No, I was just trying to catch Paprika."
"Um, I'm not exactly a chef but does paprika run away often?" My words cause her to giggle, and it's as if that small sound makes the world tilt back on axis.
"No, Paprika is a cat that Kara adopted from the shelter."
"You got a cat?"
"Well no, Kara got a cat, but we can't keep him. Our landlord has a strict ‘no pets’ policy, but Kara thought she could get him to cave. He lets the girl downstairs with the big boobs have a Chihuahua. Apparently, Kara is not well endowed enough for his tastes."
"What the hell! He said that?"
She starts laughing again, "No, he didn't say that exactly, but you know how Kara is. She flirted him up hardcore and still got the door slammed in her face. She told me I should give it a try next. She thinks I'm more his type."
"Jesse, you are not going anywhere near your landlord."
"Oh I know, that guy gives me the creeps. He's like thirty-five and always staring at my boobs."
"Gorgeous, I'm thirty-two and always starting at you boobs."
"I never said you weren't creepy too."
"That is a title I will gladly accept, because unlike your pervert landlord I get to actually touch those boobs." She laughs again. I would do anything to hear that sound.
"Well anyway, we have to give the cat back tomorrow so we are just hanging out playing with all the kitty toys we bought earlier. You should see him, he is so cute. He's white with a few orange speckles. Kara said she was going to call Nell and see if she wants him."
She continues rambling about the cat for a few more minutes. I grab a beer and collapse onto the couch, closing my eyes and listening as her words free me from the stress that keeps me weighted down. It's funny to hear her get like this. A few days ago, she would have been saying nothing but uh and um, but now she has barely stopped talking long enough to breathe.
"Jeez, I'm talking a lot," she says. "What have you been doing tonight?"
"Not much, just lying on the couch wishing you were here with me." The words come out before I really think them through, but it's the truth. Damn it, I should have gone to her place.
"You want some company?" she asks, reading my mind.