She was so honest and direct. For all her trauma, Mindy loves openly and pursues what she loves without worry. I envy her that—her strength. In comparison, I’m such a fucking pussy. She deserves better, more, but I’m too selfish to let her go. Who can I be for her? How can I really give her safe and happy when I can’t even tell her how she fucking owns me?
Unlike Mindy, I don’t love openly. I’m not sure that I even know how. Maybe I have more trauma than I thought. In the absence of words, I spend every day trying to show her how I feel. I’m careful with her, always trying to make sure I haven’t hurt her feelings. I give her space when I can tell she needs it, and I do everything I can to not suffocate her. Even though I want to. I just get so caught up in my own head that I lose my ability to be there in the moment with her. I don’t even know what to do or say about the kids thing. I remember overhearing conversations her doctors had about the damage from the rape, but I never knew how it ended up. I don’t care, not really. The main thing that fucks me up is that she can’t have something I know she wants.
All this time I was so worried about my own damage, and hating the person I see in the mirror, that I never stopped to wonder what she sees staring back at her. I’ve only ever looked at her and seen what I want to see. Mindy is beautiful and strong. She amazes me with her ability to grow. It’s taking a while, but I’m slowly coming to terms with the idea that maybe her darkness complements mine.
“What about this one?” Mindy asks as Joey, the head breeder, leads us past an older German shepherd who’s napping in the hallway.
I walk close behind her, letting her do her thing. I’ve been on point for Forsaken when it comes to Joey and his business for years now, but the moment we got out of the SUV and she saw a kennel full of puppies, I lost total control of the situation. I don’t tell her that, but I realize when I’m fighting a losing battle. If she keeps eyeing every fucking dog we pass the way she has been, we’re not going to have room in the SUV for us to make it home. Maybe I can pass dogs out as early Christmas presents or something. I don’t know.
“Beau ain’t going anywhere. He was one of our studs back when he was younger, but now he’s my wife’s pride and joy,” Joey says, ushering us into a room at the end of the hall. There’s a loud noise that stops him in his tracks. He tries to back up, but Mindy is right behind him, and he has to stop himself from running her over. I grab hold of her quickly and pull her behind me. Metal slams against metal, and a hard thump sounds on the floor, followed by the painful cry of a young dog. There’s growling and a commotion that sends Joey flying into the room and ordering me to keep Mindy in the hallway. Motherfucker best get to remembering who he’s talking to and soon.
“A dog sounds like it’s getting hurt,” Mindy says and moves to step around me. I turn around and grab her by her upper arms, stopping her from making it past the closed door.
“It’s not our business. Joey doesn’t step into my club and tell me how to run my shit, so I’m not gonna come here and tell him how to handle his shit.” Another horrific yelp comes from inside the room, followed by a deep, angry growl.
“Cesar, put the fucking thing down!” Joey screams.
Mindy’s eyes nearly bulge out of her head. She takes a step away from me as she pulls a hair tie out of her pocket and secures her hair back in a loose ponytail. “They’re going to kill it,” she says with an impressive edge about her. “You can help me stop it or get the fuck out of my way.”
My stomach rolls at the noises coming from beyond the closed door. Until Joanne Jennings, I’d never taken a woman out before. I didn’t want to do it, but she was complicit in what her sick-fuck husband had done to Mindy, so she had to die. I’ve never taken down an animal either, and I never plan to. Shit. If Mindy hadn’t taken a stance against whatever’s going on in there, I would have reached my limit soon.
“Stay behind me,” I say and take a deep breath. This is going to fuck with business, I just know it. We don’t even know what’s going on, but there’s no way I can keep my girl in the hallway while all hell is breaking loose on the other side of the door.
I open the door slowly, checking that the room is safe for Mindy to be in, before completely entering with her behind me. There’s a large metal table in the center of the room and an industrial looking counter-cabinet combo in the corner. A swinging door bridges this room from the next. Through the small window in the swinging door, I see a row of cages in the adjacent room. I’ve been in this room before, but it’s been a few years.