“I want my girl back,” he says, cupping my cheek. I stare at him in confusion, trying to work out the message behind the comment. I don’t know what he’s talking about, though. “You’re closed off, like you’re scared. What are you so scared of?”
“You,” I say and instantly regret it. “You keep pulling away from me.” I’m careful not to hedge the topic that plagues me the most, at least not until I’m ready.
“You frighten me,” he says. “I care about you, a lot. But you scare the shit out of me. Every time I think you’re going to get some sense into you and run the other direction, you adapt.”
“It’s a survival skill,” I say. He’s so close now, close enough to brush his nose with mine.
“It’s more than that.”
“You’re afraid I’m becoming too much like you, like you’re somehow ruining me.”
“I am,” he says and presses his lips into my cheek. “I’m worried because I like it. What does that make me—that I like how I’m defiling you?”
My heartbeat speeds up, and I can barely breathe. God, he’s fucking sexy like this. The way people used to talk about him around me would make me think he’s this stone wall of silence. Nic never even hints at Duke talking about his feelings, and Ryan certainly doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who’s up for a heart-to-heart. I know Holly and Grady talk about things like this, to an extent, but it’s never really all that deep or drawn out. Holly says that she and Grady just get each other, which is lovely in its own right. It’s funny to think of my sweet Holly with the sergeant at arms. She’s so big on open communication, as long as it suits her, and he seems so closed off. I guess you just never know about people, because they definitely work as a couple even if it is surprising.
“Human,” I say. I’ve been meaning to share this piece of me with him. I just hadn’t gotten around to it until now. Oh, now I’m even lying to myself. It’s not that I haven’t gotten around to it yet—it’s more like I’ve been avoiding it. But I can’t avoid it forever.
“I wasn’t that girl who partied or experimented. I was actually kind of lame in high school. Other girls thought about college and a career, how they’d live in a big city when they graduated. I never really saw that in my future.”
“What did you see?” He drags his lips lightly up my cheek to my temple. It’s such an intimate move. I’m having second thoughts about sharing this with him.
“A house with a white minivan. A big family, lots of kids, and my husband, the accountant.” I try to hide my face, but he won’t let me. Admitting this to him makes me feel so inadequate and silly.
“Don’t hide from me. I like knowing you,” he whispers. A smile cracks on his face. “An accountant—really?”
“I was a dumb kid,” I say in defense. When he doesn’t keep on teasing me, I continue what I was trying to say to begin with. “And the kids thing doesn’t matter anyway.”
“Why not?” His brows pull together.
“There was too much damage,” I whisper, feeling shame in my heart. I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it happened anyway and having to admit that my body can’t do what it was made to do is upsetting. Ian’s face forms a frown and he mouths, “I’m sorry.”
“Anyway. I wanted what every other teenage girl wants—I wanted to fall in love. And then, surprisingly, I did. Heath was a few years older, and he was pretty great. We got married right after I graduated high school, and I thought I was living the dream. Heath was not an accountant—he was an undergrad. But campus jobs don’t pay the bills.
“Before he asked me to marry him, he joined the army so he could support us while I went to school. His parents were so angry with him—I can still hear their voices in my head. He didn’t care, though. Heath was big on making a commitment and sticking to it. We were married less than three months when he deployed. Before we could celebrate our one-year anniversary, I had a couple of men in uniform at my door telling me my husband was dead.
“I didn’t deal with it well. I was depressed. I just wanted to feel better, and that led me down the rabbit hole.”
Ian places a kiss to my temple and hooks a hand around the back of my neck.
“I did things I wish I could forget. If you knew the things I’ve done, you wouldn’t worry about corrupting me. You’d know I came to you that way. You’re so consumed with the idea that I won’t be able to handle your darkness, but what about mine?”
Chapter 24
The rest of the drive to the breeder is uneventful. Mindy’s words play in my head over and over.
What about mine?
The words are on the tip of my tongue as I fight with myself to have the courage to say them.
Nothing and no one will stop me from loving you.