“It’s okay. you’re okay.” My words are meant to reassure her, but I’m doing a shit job of it. It doesn’t feel okay, and with the way she’s sobbing in my arms right now, she doesn’t feel like she’s going to be okay either.
I don’t know how we got here, but we’re here, and there’s no going back. I should have left her alone after her attack. I should have respected her father’s wishes and not forced myself on her and her family when she was in the hospital. I shouldn’t have shown up at her house the day she went home, and I shouldn’t have shown up every day afterwards for months on end. I should have left her alone, but I’m a selfish bastard? and I didn’t want to be away from her for too long. But then I left her anyway, and by that time, it was too late.
Getting close to people only leads to pain. It starts out innocently enough. You meet someone, you like them, they like you, and next thing you know you’re stuck cleaning up their messes and dealing with their crap. I have enough relationships within the club and my own fucked-up makeshift family. It’s not like I need a relationship for sex, and even if I did, I wouldn’t go after Mindy for that. At least, I’ve tried to keep the two separate. Mindy would run a mile in the other direction if she knew half the shit I think about doing to her when she’s being cute. She’d probably run straight out of the county—and with how fast she can run, it wouldn’t take long—if I told her what I want to do to her when she’s being ornery. Maybe I should have shown her that instead of forcing myself to be gentle. But now isn’t the time to think about Mindy being ornery? because she’s in my lap and hysterically crying. And I fucking refuse to think about whipping her when she’s this upset.
“I’m taking you home.” My voice is gruff but low. I don’t want to upset her any more than she already is. When she nods her head, I rearrange my feet beneath me and stand. It’s not easy, but I’m careful not to jostle her too much in the process, keeping one arm under her legs and the other behind her back. Firmly held in place against my chest, she lies motionless, as if unaware of what’s going on around her. She’s not unaware, though. I can tell by the way her heartbeat speeds up when we rise from the floor and then breaks out into a frantic pounding when we walk out of the bathroom and past the small crowd that’s gathered.
My brothers are a bunch of nosy fucks, but the looks on their faces don’t display an insatiable curiosity. Instead, I see worry and sorrow marring their features. Even Ryan, who by all accounts is as self-consumed as our grandfather, Rage, stares at the woman in my arms with a sadness in his eyes. It’s the same look he gets with my sister. He loves Alex—I have no doubt about it now. I’m just continually being surprised by his growth over the last year. Before Alex stormed into our lives, he would have walked away from Mindy’s freak-out, telling everybody, including her, that the “bitch needs to get her shit together.” He’s fucking lucky he’s grown up since those days. Asshole knows how I feel about that shit, and I’d hate to make Ma bury her favorite son. Well, he used to be her favorite, but with Michael in the picture now, he’s probably second in line.
Ma nods her head at Chel, who’s closest to the bar, and retrieves Mindy’s wallet-wrist-strap-thing—what the fuck is that thing even called?—and her keys. I stretch out the index finger of the hand that’s holding her back up to make a hook. Chel hangs the wallet and keys on my outstretched finger and gives me a sad smile. Like everybody else, Chel likes Mindy. She’s hard not to like.
Rink is at the front door, propping it open for me as I walk us into the parking lot. Mindy’s car is a little white Acura that’s about as old as she is. It’s way too small for me to be able to lower her into it. Damn it. Maybe I should have grabbed Ma’s keys and taken the Suburban.
“I’m going to set you down so we can get in the car.” I lower my face so I can see her eyes. They’re glassy and red, and her mascara is smeared. Black lines trail down her cheeks from the makeup she’s cried off.
I did this to her.