She kept her eyes firmly planted on his, for some reason the depths of those brown eyes gave her the courage she needed. She lifted her prepared eulogy and tore the piece of paper in two.
“But those memories are mine to keep sacred in my heart, just as the memories all of you have with Jake are yours and yours alone to keep sacred.” She took a deep breath. “There was a time in my life I thought saying goodbye was accepting things were over and I would find any excuse I could not to say it.” She said softly into the microphone as she remembered the time she was referring to.
Nick watched Sam stare at him intently as she spoke and he couldn’t help but wonder if she was referencing to what he often thought about…
The cab driver looked over at him through the rear view mirror.
“Where you headed?” he asked.
“Seattle.” Nick responded numbly. He felt his phone vibrate and he fought to get it out of his jeans pocket. Looking down at his phone, he felt his heart clench at the text that appeared. It was from Sam.
Sam: Nick, I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. I guess I was in denial, and thought you wouldn’t really leave. Have a safe trip. I will always wonder what if? Love you, Sam xoxo.
He stared at the message until the words looked blurry. His finger ran along the reply button, as he struggled with what he wanted to do and what he should do. He hit reply. He closed his eyes and there she was in his head, smiling up at him, her big blue eyes staring at him mischievously. He could still remember the way it felt to run his fingers through the length of her blonde hair. He couldn’t pinpoint when the youngest Lanza, grabbed his attention. It had happened too fast. One minute she was Luke and Jake’s rambunctious little sister, the next she was the leading lady in all his dreams. A part of him realized it years ago when he watched her go to bat for her brothers. They could do nothing wrong in her eyes. He remembered wanting to be on the receiving end of all that unconditional love, Sam radiated. It was one of the things that grabbed his attention early on. When she loved something, or someone, she loved them with everything in her. There was no turning it on and off.
He had resisted his feelings for her for a while. When he started noticing her turn from a tomboy to a woman, he hated himself. He tried to remind himself, she was off limits, that she was like a sister to him, but he knew he was just lying to himself. The truth was that, they had been dancing around each other for years. Flirting and teasing each other whenever the opportunity presented itself. There had been a few times that he would go over to the Lanza’s knowing Luke and Jake weren’t home. He told himself he was checking up on her like one of her brothers would have, but in reality he just wanted to see her. He’d never allow himself to take what he wanted out of respect for the Lanza’s.
Nick swallowed the lump in his throat as his eyes met Sam’s once more.
“Anyway the last time I had to say goodbye to anyone, Jake was there for me. He gave me the strength I needed to understand the words I needed to say. Still, somehow goodbye wasn’t the saddest word I ever said. No,” she shook her head and glanced at her brother’s casket. “Not until today. It breaks my heart to say goodbye to a person I’ve looked up to, and admired my entire life.” She paused and brushed at her tears. “To say goodbye to the one who has always caught me each time I fell.” She gripped the edge of the podium as she tried to brace herself. “I thought I had more time.” She swallowed hard.
She didn’t want to give up, she wanted to push through. It was the last thing she could give her brother. “I wanted to be there when you needed me, to see you through your darkest days, and when you fell, be the one to catch you for a change. I wanted to pay you back for everything you’ve ever done for me.” She let the tears fall down her cheeks and didn’t pay much attention to them. “I wanted to be there for you, through your whole life and when it was time to say goodbye, I always saw us as old and wrinkly.” Sam lifted her head and watched as Luke stood up, he quietly excused himself and made his way to the back of the church. Sam wondered if it was something she said. She waited a beat before continuing.
“Goodbye will be the saddest word I ever say to you, Jake.” She murmured softly before finding the strength to move her weak legs and slowly stepped off down from the altar. She paused beside her brother’s coffin and placed her palm over the beautiful mahogany. “Until we meet again.” She whispered.