Waking up like this is nothing new. It’s the normal—my new fucked up normal. The room smells of smoke, cheap whiskey, perfumed whores, and sex. Fuck I’ve stuck my dick in so much loose pussy in the last week the damn thing smells like week old tuna.
I rub my head over the short stubble on my head. In the week that I’ve been out of the joint, I’ve started letting it grow. In prison it was better to let the Screws keep it cut. There are just too many fucking bugs in that damn hell hole. I’m not sure if I’ll cut it again. Anything different from being there is better. I never want anything to remind me of being in that shit hole again.
I push bodies off of me and move to the edge of the bed. The two chicks in the bed should have got their skanky asses out last night. One of them grumbles in complaint but she rolls her ass over on her girlfriend and goes back out. When I look over at the lily white ass sticking up in the air my hand automatically goes down to my dick and stretches it. Damn thing doesn’t take the hint though. If anything it seems to want to crawl inside of my balls and hide. It’s a shame because it’s a damn fine ass, but what the fuck ever. I stand up and the world spins as my body tilts too far to the left. I right myself and walk towards the bathroom, cursing when my bare feet kick one of the empty liquor bottles in the floor.
Fuck that hurt. I lean over to pick the bottle up and the world tilts again. This time I overestimate my coordination and fall. I maneuver at the last minute and land on my side instead of my mother fucking head. I lay there a minute looking up at the darkness. It hurts to breathe, not really from the fall. Hell it’s hurt to breathe for so long I can’t remember when it was ever any other way. Why the fuck I couldn’t just swallow a bullet and get it over with I don’t even know. I’m so fucking tired of fighting it all. So fucking tired…
“Dancer open up man!” The pounding on the front of the old hotel door jumps with the vibration of the pounding it receives.
My head goes down, both hands raking over my it again. Fuck, I don’t want my brother here. Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? I told them fuckers that I….
“Dancer open this fucking door or I’m kicking it in.” Crusher yells as he pounds the damn door again. I wince at the pain the noise brings.
I start getting up. I may not have had shit to do with my brothers since I got out of the joint, but I know that he’s not going to give up. Before I can right myself enough to pick my ass up out of the floor, the door slams open and bounces off the wall with huge cracking noise. I wince at the pain that brings and close my eyes against the glaring light that is now in the room.
“Fucking hell! Close the damn-fucking-son-of-a-bitching door.” I groan not bothering to turn around and look at Crusher. It’s better to keep my back against the light. Fucking shit is bright enough like this.
“Oh God.”
I turn my head against my will when I hear that voice. I know that voice, that voice is imbedded in my brain, my motherfucking black soul. I’m going to fucking rip Crusher’s head off. My eyes lock with the one person in this world that I never expected nor wanted to lay eyes on again.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
She jerks back like I just physically hit her. I’ve never hit a woman in my life, but if I was going to start--it would be with her ass.
“Hi, Jacob,” she whispers into the room and it fucking makes me want to scream and roar at her. I don’t want her here. I don’t want to see her, I don’t want to deal with her and I sure as fuck don’t want to hear that sweet ass voice saying my fucking name. She’s poison; she’s a fucking knife to the gut that repeatedly stabs. She’s the reason my head is all fucked up, that my life is all fucked up and most of all she is the reason I want to fucking swallow a bullet.
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ROOM!” I roar pulling myself up and charging towards her.
She gasps and backs up against the hotel door. I’m almost to her. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I reach her. I really don’t. I might even strangle the life out of her. I know I will push her out of my fucking room, out of my space, out of my life. I know it. In the end the point is moot though because Crusher jumps in front of me and stops me from reaching her.
We’re pretty evenly matched but if I had been sober he wouldn’t have been able to stop me. As it is, he contains me and looks over his shoulder.
“Carrie wait for me by my bike Darlin’.”
“Okay Alexander.” She whispers and gives me one more tortured look.
Her green eyes are filled with tears, but I don’t fucking care. Her and her tears can rot in fucking hell. I think that and then my mind shifts back. Alexander? What the fuck?
“Are you sinking your dick in that cunt?” I ask in disgust, pushing away from Crusher.